\u00a0<\/p>\n
(yitirdi\u011fin her \u015feyde kazand\u0131\u011f\u0131n bir \u015fey var; kazand\u0131\u011f\u0131n her \u015feyde biraz yitirdiklerin. bu y\u00fczden birileri hep \u0131s\u0131n\u0131p dururken dinmez \u00fc\u015f\u00fcmelerin…)<\/p>\n
ben de benim olmayan \u015feylerle var\u0131m; benim olan zaten benimse, olmayan \u015feylerle… varsam, buradaysam belki de onlar i\u00e7in… y\u00fcz\u00fcn i\u00e7in belki de, y\u00fcz\u00fcn nerede?<\/p>\n
birbirini tekrarlayan g\u00fcnlerin yasl\u0131 bo\u011funtusunda nedir arad\u0131klar\u0131 insanlar\u0131n? bu ko\u015fu\u015fturmada, bin tela\u015fla! herkes birileriyle bir mutluluk d\u00fc\u015f\u00fc kuruyor; o d\u00fc\u015fle \u0131slan\u0131yor, o d\u00fc\u015fle uyuyup uyan\u0131yorlar; sonra d\u00fc\u015fleri de yak\u0131yor g\u00fcnler. bu kez yeni bir d\u00fc\u015f daha kuruyorlar; sonra bir daha, bir daha! b\u00fct\u00fcn d\u00fc\u015fleri yak\u0131yor g\u00fcnler.<\/p>\n
ya\u015fam yan\u0131ltman\u0131n, insanlar yan\u0131lman\u0131n ustas\u0131 olduk\u00e7a yine yeni d\u00fc\u015fler deniyor ve deneniyorlar…<\/p>\n
i\u015fte her d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn pe\u015fine bir \u015fark\u0131y\u0131 tak\u0131yorlar. d\u00fc\u015f gidiyor, pe\u015fis\u0131ra \u015fark\u0131 da. bir de(n) parampar\u00e7a olu\u015funu g\u00f6r\u00fcyorlar d\u00fc\u015flerin. her d\u00fc\u015fle bir \u015fark\u0131y\u0131 yak\u0131yorlar… \u015fark\u0131lar yak\u0131yorlar; \u015fark\u0131lar onlar\u0131 yak\u0131yor sonra.<\/p>\n
\/\u0130nsan,
insan\u0131n diyalekti\u011fine t\u00fck\u00fcr\u00fcyor; insan\u0131 yak\u0131yorlar!\/<\/p>\n
bunlar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum ve ak\u0131p gidiyor g\u00fcnler siyah beyaz resimler h\u0131r\u00e7\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda. sormu\u015ftun ya, i\u015fte her \u015fey ortada, her \u015fey! \u00f6nce ku\u015flar\u0131 vurdular orada, parampar\u00e7a par\u00e7alar\u0131 bir yana; bir bir savruldu yang\u0131nlar\u0131n ortas\u0131na kanatlar\u0131 da! ben soluk solu\u011fa d\u0131\u015far\u0131day\u0131m, seni buldum… seni buldum ya, bu kez seni vurdular orada, seni!<\/p>\n
her \u015fey s\u00fcrd\u00fc yine, her \u015fey! bakt\u0131m daha durmu\u015f da uzay\u0131n rengini demliyor asalak d\u00fcnya; bakt\u0131m ki da\u011flar ve g\u00fcller yine akraba; daha bembeyaz uyuyordu kad\u0131nlar o esmer uykularda. oysa seni vurmu\u015flard\u0131, seni, orada!<\/p>\n
sonra gelip ge\u00e7en her sabahla \u00f6yle susad\u0131m ki y\u00fcz\u00fcne yoklu\u011funda… y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6zledim, y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc, anlasana!<\/p>\n
anlasana diye yazd\u0131m ve \u00fc\u00e7 nokta koydum yan\u0131na, ama bo\u015funa, bo\u015funa; bo\u015funa! diye yazd\u0131m ve kalk\u0131p d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. saat 0.5’i birka\u00e7 dakika ve bir miktar saniye ge\u00e7iyordu; a\u011faran g\u00fcn\u00fcn teninden sa\u011fanak d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcyordu.
y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m…
y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m: kalan ku\u015flar sen bu kentteymi\u015fsin gibi u\u00e7uyorlard\u0131. insanlar kalabal\u0131k ve kabar\u0131kt\u0131; silahlar\u0131 ellerine, tetikleri parmaklar\u0131na g\u00f6re se\u00e7iyorlard\u0131.<\/p>\n
u\u00e7aklar pike yaparken bu kentin g\u00f6klerinde, bak dedim, bakacak bir g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz bile kalmad\u0131 i\u015fte!<\/p>\n
y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcnde…<\/p>\n
y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m: sabah\u0131n tenine birer birer da\u011f\u0131l\u0131rken i\u015f\u00e7iler; y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m rastgele at\u0131l\u0131rken kahve \u00f6nlerine iskemleler. g\u00fcnler siyah beyaz resimler h\u0131r\u00e7\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ve ben burada bir eski \u00e7a\u011f enkaz\u0131nda!<\/p>\n
k\u0131zlar, boyan\u0131p ku\u015fan\u0131p k\u0131z k\u0131za dansederken d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnlerde, y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m, kendi olan y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnlerde… sonra gelinler korkular\u0131n\u0131 atm\u0131\u015flard\u0131 e\u015fiklere; yorgunluktu sonras\u0131 i\u015fte, y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m gelinlerde…<\/p>\n
y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc arad\u0131m, ge\u00e7tim…<\/p>\n
ge\u00e7tim: \u015fark\u0131lar\u0131 parampar\u00e7a g\u00f6rmekten, bu sat\u0131rlar\u0131 yazmaktan ge\u00e7tim! oysa hep kalemimle de\u011fil, bir g\u00fcn kan\u0131mla k\u0131pk\u0131z\u0131l yazmak istedikleri vard\u0131 benim de; onlar\u0131 hen\u00fcz yazmam\u0131\u015f olmaktan ge\u00e7tim… \u00e7al\u0131\u015fma masamdan kalkarak elimdeki fincan\u0131 duvara \u00e7arp\u0131p parampar\u00e7a etmekten ge\u00e7tim!<\/p>\n
ge\u00e7tim: sabahla birlikte kaynayan \u00e7orba kazanlar\u0131n\u0131n kokular\u0131ndan, yol boyu uykular\u0131n\u0131 alamam\u0131\u015f k\u00f6peklerin korkular\u0131ndan; siyah \u0131\u015f\u0131klardan, \u00e7o\u011falan \u00e7ocuklardan, azalan a\u011fa\u00e7lardan, arabesk feryatlardan ve ucuz umutlardan…<\/p>\n
iyiyim, sa\u011fol, sen nas\u0131ls\u0131nl\u0131 merhabalardan; a\u011f\u0131r a\u011f\u0131r yay\u0131lan \u00e7\u00f6p kokular\u0131ndan, farlar\u0131n\u0131 kapamay\u0131 unutmu\u015f ta\u015f\u0131tlardan, feodal \u015fatolardan ve yasalara yelkovanl\u0131k yap\u0131p, kendinin saniyesi bile olamayanlardan!
h\u0131zla kirlenen bir d\u00fcnyadan h\u0131zla ge\u00e7tim…
ge\u00e7tim: sensizli\u011fin tahri\u015f olmu\u015f s\u0131z\u0131lar\u0131ndan, eksoz homurtular\u0131ndan, cami avlular\u0131ndan, d\u00fc\u015fleri i\u011fdi\u015f orospulardan, yasad\u0131\u015f\u0131 i\u015f yapan yasa memrular\u0131ndan… ellerini \u00e7ald\u0131rm\u0131\u015f ellerime bakmaktan ge\u00e7tim; sensizli\u011fe inanmamaktan…<\/p>\n
sis kaplam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 kenti; da\u011f\u0131lsa sanki bir ..k varm\u0131\u015f gibi! sisleri yar\u0131p ge\u00e7tim… yoktun, kendimden ge\u00e7tim; k\u0131zd\u0131m, da\u011f\u0131tt\u0131m, sana k\u00fcf\u00fcrler ettim… bir bilsen sana ne g\u00fczel k\u00fcf\u00fcrler ettim; yoksa kederden geberecektim!<\/p>\n
g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc t\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc de a\u011f\u0131r a\u011f\u0131z izledi; g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn renginden ge\u00e7tim…<\/p>\n
sonra yeni ku\u015flar \u00fc\u015f\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcne. bir sevindim, bir sevindim; g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc y\u00fczlerce kanatt\u0131 i\u015fte! ama sen, sen orada bir ser\u00e7e gibi \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor muydun yine?<\/p>\n
\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyordun ve bunu biliyordum; \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc her \u015fey ortada, her \u015fey! bak, kimin temiz bir g\u00f6\u011f\u00fc varsa kirletip b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015flar avu\u00e7lar\u0131na… bu y\u00fczden insanlar elleri ceplerde \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorlar sabahlara. co\u015fkular deprem, sevin\u00e7ler s\u0131tma…<\/p>\n
s\u00f6yle senin y\u00fcz\u00fcn nerede, y\u00fcz\u00fcn?
nerede ba\u015flar bir a\u015fk ve biter, nerede? nerelere g\u00f6merim seni ben, nerelerde \u00f6l\u00fcrs\u00fcn oysa sen!<\/p>\n
nerede, y\u00fcz\u00fcn nerede?<\/p>\n
sonra \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p bu kentin u\u011fultusuna \u00e7arp\u0131yorum; bu kent de u\u011fultusunu bana \u00e7arp\u0131yor, \u00e7arp\u0131\u015f\u0131yoruz, kimseler g\u00f6rm\u00fcyor…<\/p>\n
bir sorudur: kurtar\u0131c\u0131lar i\u015fg\u00e2lci olabilir mi? ya da i\u015fg\u00e2lciler kurtar\u0131c\u0131? sonra oturup y\u00fcreklerden damlayan terin hesab\u0131n\u0131 tutuyorum… hesab\u0131n\u0131 kimselerin bilmedi\u011fi bah\u00e7elerin duda\u011f\u0131nda kanayan uzak g\u00fcllerin. sevgiye b\u00fct\u00fcn misillemelerin, gecelerin, seslerin, kederlerin… karacada\u011fl\u0131 bir \u00e7ocu\u011fun kan \u00e7\u0131ban\u0131n\u0131n, \u015femdinlili bir a\u011f\u0131d\u0131n, kasrik’ten esen poyraz\u0131n, peru’da bir bal\u0131k\u00e7\u0131n\u0131n ve botan’da yak\u0131lan k\u00f6y evlerinin…<\/p>\n
\u00f6yle ac\u0131 ki her \u015fey unutmak istiyorum! kendimi bir menek\u015fenin rengine, bir g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015fe k(at\u0131p) unutmak! unutma d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesini bile unutmak!
yitirmi\u015ftim o a\u015fk\u0131n kimli\u011fini, h\u00fck\u00fcms\u00fczd\u00fc… h\u00fck\u00fcms\u00fcze h\u00fck\u00fcml\u00fc bir a\u015fk\u0131 unutmak istiyorum… sonra asker \u00e7ocuklar\u0131, mapus \u00e7ocuklar\u0131, ayya\u015f babalara sitemsiz \u00e7ocuklar\u0131, yitirilmi\u015f \u00e7ocuklar\u0131…<\/p>\n
u\u00e7ar\u0131 bir \u00e7ocuklu\u011fu yitirmi\u015f benim de y\u00fcz\u00fcm; y\u00fcz\u00fcm, zamans\u0131z ihtilallerde. ihtilalleri tutun \u00e7ocuklar erken ya\u015flanmas\u0131nlar!
yaray\u0131 tutun, yaray\u0131! g\u00fc\u00e7leri \u00f6p\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcr\u00fcn, g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcr\u00fcn; yoksa \u00f6l\u00fcn\u00fcr aln\u0131nda g\u00fcn\u00fcn! \u00f6lmeleri hani sessiz, hani gen\u00e7, unutmak istiyorum!<\/p>\n
eski yolda\u015flar\u0131n g\u00f6zbebeklerinde kaynayan bir d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn d\u00fc\u015f\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc unutmak! unutmasam, ben de kalemimi kendim i\u00e7in k\u0131raca\u011f\u0131m!<\/p>\n
biz kapkara gecelerin g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcnde k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck, ak noktalard\u0131k; bir d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcn, ne akl\u0131klar gizler gece; ne akl\u0131klar \u00f6yle susar gecede, ama \u00f6yle \u00f6yle \u00e7ok gecedir ki gece, akl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 b\u00fcsb\u00fct\u00fcn \u00f6rtecek kadar…<\/p>\n
\u00f6rt\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc
usulca
akl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n
unutmak istiyorum…<\/p>\n
i\u015fte bundan, co\u015fkuyu sevmiyorum art\u0131k \u00f6yle kabara k\u00f6p\u00fcre nehirler gibi; siz orada kalabal\u0131k ve kabar\u0131k kal\u0131n, sa\u011folun, yaln\u0131zl\u0131k iyi, yaln\u0131zl\u0131k iyi…<\/p>\n
yaln\u0131zd\u0131m, \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyordum ey \u00f6zlem! beni bir g\u00fcn belki bu \u00f6zlem \u00f6ld\u00fcrecekti. \u00f6lecektim bir g\u00fcn erken, belki kederden. yak\u0131n o g\u00fcn! beni yak\u0131n! savrulup aks\u0131n k\u00fcllerim dicle nehrinden…<\/p>\n
ak\u0131p ge\u00e7erken g\u00fcnler siyah beyaz resimler h\u0131r\u00e7\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, sormu\u015ftum ya, i\u015fte her \u015fey ortada, her \u015fey!<\/p>\n
\/ben \u00f6l\u00fcr\u00fcm; da\u011flar ve g\u00fcller yine akraba…\/<\/p>\n
art\u0131k g\u00fcn do\u011funca b\u00fct\u00fcn dara\u011fa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 kursunlar, kursunlar, kur-sun-laar! her \u015fey bu kadar g\u00fczelken, b\u00f6yle bir yan\u0131yla s\u0131\u011f ya\u015fanana, bo\u011fulana, savrulana, kirlenene dalkavukluk, \u00e7irkinli\u011fe fig\u00fcranl\u0131k etmekten b\u0131k-t\u0131\u0131\u0131\u0131\u0131\u0131\u0131\u0131m!<\/p>\n
ya ku\u015flar?
sahi, ne demek ister kalan ku\u015flar?<\/p>\n
Y\u0131lmaz ODABA\u015eI<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u00a0 (yitirdi\u011fin her \u015feyde kazand\u0131\u011f\u0131n bir \u015fey var; kazand\u0131\u011f\u0131n her \u015feyde biraz yitirdiklerin. bu y\u00fczden birileri hep \u0131s\u0131n\u0131p dururken dinmez \u00fc\u015f\u00fcmelerin…) ben de benim olmayan \u015feylerle var\u0131m; benim olan zaten benimse, olmayan \u015feylerle… varsam, buradaysam belki de onlar i\u00e7in… y\u00fcz\u00fcn i\u00e7in belki de, y\u00fcz\u00fcn nerede? birbirini tekrarlayan g\u00fcnlerin yasl\u0131 bo\u011funtusunda nedir arad\u0131klar\u0131 insanlar\u0131n? bu ko\u015fu\u015fturmada, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[77],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-1550","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-yilmaz-odabasi"},"yoast_head":"\n