{"id":4265,"date":"2010-02-27T10:48:41","date_gmt":"2010-02-27T07:48:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2010\/02\/27\/bir-varolus-bicimi-olarak-yazi-ya-da-franz-ile-felice-nedim-gursel\/"},"modified":"2010-02-27T10:48:41","modified_gmt":"2010-02-27T07:48:41","slug":"bir-varolus-bicimi-olarak-yazi-ya-da-franz-ile-felice-nedim-gursel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2010\/02\/27\/bir-varolus-bicimi-olarak-yazi-ya-da-franz-ile-felice-nedim-gursel\/","title":{"rendered":"Bir Varolu\u015f Bi\u00e7imi Olarak Yaz\u0131 ya da Franz ile Felice | Nedim G\u00fcrsel"},"content":{"rendered":"

Bir s\u00fcredir karl\u0131 Berlin gecesinde \u2013gecelerinde\u2013 neredeyse unutmaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m T\u00fcrk\u00e7e s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle bo\u011fu\u015furken, lamban\u0131n \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda beyaz k\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131n bo\u015flu\u011funa, u\u00e7umuna do\u011fru \u00e7ekilmeden \u2013d\u00fc\u015fmeden\u2013 \u00f6nce Kafka\u2019y\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Onun yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, kendini t\u00fcm\u00fcyle edebiyata adamak, adayabilmek i\u00e7in katland\u0131\u011f\u0131 ac\u0131lar\u0131, d\u00fcnyadan, a\u015fklardan, yery\u00fcz\u00fc nimetlerinin t\u00fcm\u00fcnden uzak durma kararl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131. E\u011fer yazmak her s\u00f6zc\u00fckle biraz daha derine inmekse, sonu belirsiz bir kaz\u0131ya ba\u015flay\u0131p kendini h\u0131rpalamaksa, \u201cYaz\u0131lmam\u0131\u015f Kitaplar Mezarl\u0131\u011f\u0131\u201dnda s\u00f6yledi\u011fim gibi derin ve karanl\u0131k bir kuyudan \u00e7ekip \u00e7\u0131karmaksa s\u00f6zc\u00fckleri, c\u00fcmlelerle gelen o benzersiz ve b\u00fcy\u00fck yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 kimseyle, hi\u00e7 kimseyle payla\u015fmamaksa yazmak, Kafka\u2019n\u0131n deyimiyle \u201csalt edebiyattan ibaret\u201d bir g\u00f6lgeye, bir varolu\u015f bi\u00e7imine d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fmekse, bu i\u00e7e kapan\u0131\u015f\u0131n elbette bir bedeli olmal\u0131. Benim, yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 daha da \u00e7o\u011faltan, derinle\u015ftiren, ikide bir \u201c\u015feytan\u0131n i\u011fvas\u0131\u201dna uymama, onun pe\u015fine tak\u0131lmama yol a\u00e7an bu karl\u0131 Berlin gecelerinde \u00f6dedi\u011fim bedel, Kafka\u2019n\u0131nkinin yan\u0131nda hi\u00e7 kal\u0131r. Yine de, kar\u0131m ve k\u0131z\u0131mdan uzakta, bir bak\u0131ma bek\u00e2rl\u0131k g\u00fcnlerime d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f \u2013ama ge\u00e7ici bir d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u2013 olarak ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m zamanlar\u0131 \u201ck\u00e2rhaneme\u201d kaydediyorum.Kaydederken de, ister istemez Kafka d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor akl\u0131ma. Onun yazma konusundaki titizli\u011fini, \u00f6d\u00fcns\u00fcz tavr\u0131n\u0131 an\u0131ms\u0131yor, yazarlara neden bek\u00e2rl\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00f6\u011f\u00fctledi\u011fini daha iyi anl\u0131yorum. Ben de, \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr bek\u00e2r\u0131m burada, bek\u00e2r say\u0131l\u0131r\u0131m. Gece ne yata\u011f\u0131m\u0131 payla\u015fan biri var, ne sabah uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131mda yan\u0131mda bir kad\u0131n buluyorum. Ne aray\u0131p soran var, ne i\u015fime kar\u0131\u015fan. Ne de, kafam\u0131 kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131ran. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bazen, genellikle de bir a\u015fk\u0131n ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131nda, kafa kar\u0131\u015f\u0131r, kar\u0131\u015facakt\u0131r. O zaman, sevilen, istenen, ama birlikteyken katlanamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z kad\u0131n, giderek bir saplant\u0131ya d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fck\u00e7e, yaz\u0131n\u0131n d\u00fcnyas\u0131ndan uzakla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131r sizi, teslim al\u0131r. Gecenin, edebiyat\u0131n, size \u00f6zg\u00fc bir d\u00fcnya yaratma \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcn de\u011fil, bir tutkunun k\u00f6lesi yapar.
Y\u0131llar \u00f6nce T\u00fcrk Dili\u2019nin mektup \u00f6zel say\u0131s\u0131 i\u00e7in Kafka\u2019n\u0131n Felice\u2019ye yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131 mektuplardan bir se\u00e7me \u00f6nermi\u015ftim. Bu metinler annemin \u00e7evirisiyle yay\u0131mlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Orada Kafka\u2019n\u0131n, ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131 Felice\u2019e, yan\u0131na kalem k\u00e2\u011f\u0131t al\u0131p bir l\u00e2mbayla birlikte \u0131ss\u0131z ve karanl\u0131k bir mahzene yerle\u015fme hayalinden s\u00f6z etti\u011fini an\u0131ms\u0131yorum. \u201c\u0130nsan yazarken,\u201d diyordu uzaktaki sevgilisine, \u201chi\u00e7bir zaman yeterince yaln\u0131z olamaz. \u00c7evreniz hi\u00e7bir zaman yeterince sessiz de\u011fildir; gece t\u00fcm\u00fcyle gece olmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131r hen\u00fcz\u201d. Pragl\u0131 yazar\u0131n tel\u00e2\u015f ve saplant\u0131 i\u00e7inde, ardarda Berlin\u2019e g\u00f6nderdi\u011fi buna benzer hayaller yuma\u011f\u0131, o umutsuzluk \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar\u0131, yorgunluk ve uykusuzlu\u011funu dile getiren yak\u0131nmalar\u0131, Blanchot\u2019nun deyimiyle \u201cyap\u0131t\u0131n i\u00e7ine meyvedeki \u00e7ekirdek gibi\u201d yerle\u015fmesi, evlenmeyi d\u00fc\u015fledi\u011fi kad\u0131n\u0131n \u015fefkatiyle de\u011fil s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerin yard\u0131m\u0131yla yunup ar\u0131nmas\u0131, bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc uyum sa\u011flayamad\u0131\u011f\u0131 d\u0131\u015f d\u00fcnyadan, g\u00fcnl\u00fck ya\u015fam\u0131n tekd\u00fczeli\u011finden, varolu\u015fun s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131ndan kurtulabilmek i\u00e7in edebiyata s\u0131\u011f\u0131nmas\u0131 derinden etkilemi\u015fti beni. Bu etkinin \u00e7ok uzun s\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc s\u00f6yleyemem. Kafka\u2019n\u0131n tersine hedonist bir ya\u015fam tarz\u0131n\u0131 benimsedi\u011fim i\u00e7in olmal\u0131, yazarken ne kad\u0131nlardan vaz ge\u00e7ebildim, ne de yeme i\u00e7meden. Yine de, ender ama yo\u011fun yazma d\u00f6nemlerimde, hayat\u0131mdaki kad\u0131n\u0131 yan\u0131mdan uzakla\u015ft\u0131rabilmek i\u00e7in her t\u00fcrl\u00fc \u00e7areye \u2013kurnazl\u0131\u011fa\u2013 ba\u015fvurdu\u011fumu itiraf etmeliyim.
B\u00f6yle giderse, ge\u00e7mi\u015f g\u00fcnlerin an\u0131lar\u0131yla ya\u015famaya devam edersem, bir \u00e7e\u015fit \u201c\u0130tiraflar Kitab\u0131\u201dna d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fecek Berlin g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm. S\u00f6z\u00fc Kafka ile Felice\u2019nin ili\u015fkisine, yani k\u0131sac\u0131k \u00f6mr\u00fcn\u00fc Prag\u2019da t\u00fcketmi\u015f, yap\u0131tlar\u0131nda \u2013Bir Sava\u015f\u0131n Tasviri hari\u00e7\u2013 do\u011frudan yer almamakla birlikte hemen hemen yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131 her sat\u0131ra sinmi\u015f bir kentin alternatifini olu\u015fturan ba\u015fka bir kente, Prag\u2019dan sekiz y\u00fcz kilometre uzaktaki Berlin\u2019e getirmek istiyorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc Prag\u2019dan sonra Berlin\u2019in de, yine do\u011frudan olmamakla birlikte, Kafka\u2019n\u0131n yap\u0131t\u0131n\u0131 etkiledi\u011fini, en az\u0131ndan ya\u015fam\u0131ndaki en \u00f6nemli ili\u015fkinin oda\u011f\u0131nda yer ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Berlin \u00e7ok az g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015ft\u00fckleri \u2013g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015febildikleri\u2013 bir \u201crandevu mek\u00e2n\u0131\u201d onlar i\u00e7in, ama \u00e7ok s\u0131k, \u00f6zellikle tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131ktan hemen sonra neredeyse her g\u00fcn yaz\u0131\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6z \u00f6n\u00fcnde tutarsak, (ilk \u00fc\u00e7 ayda y\u00fcz, onu izleyen sekiz ayda iki y\u00fcz mektup g\u00f6nderiliyor Berlin\u2019e) Kafka\u2019n\u0131n g\u00f6z\u00fcnde sevdi\u011fi kad\u0131n\u0131n y\u00fcz\u00fcyle \u00f6rt\u00fc\u015fen bir yer ayn\u0131 zamanda; \u00e7\u0131\u011f gibi gelen, Felice\u2019in sakin ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131 bombard\u0131mana tutan co\u015fkulu mektuplar\u0131n\u0131n var\u0131\u015f noktas\u0131. Bir hedef, diyece\u011fim, sonradan ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131n son g\u00fcnlerini ge\u00e7irmek \u00fczere ba\u015fka bir kad\u0131nla (kendisinden en az yirmi ya\u015f k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck Dora Diamant ile) yerle\u015fece\u011fi, ama ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131 oradayken Prag\u2019\u0131 ve i\u015fini b\u0131rak\u0131p yeni bir hayat kurmak istedi\u011fi kent. G\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde bir kez \u2013yaln\u0131zca bir kez, o da \u00e7ekinerek\u2013 dile getiriyor bu ger\u00e7e\u011fi: \u201cBerlin\u2019i sevmemin tek nedeni F., onun \u00e7evresinde olu\u015fan, denetleyemedi\u011fim imgeler.\u201d Berlin, Kafka i\u00e7in, be\u015f y\u0131l s\u00fcren ve mutsuz bir ayr\u0131l\u0131kla noktalanan Felice saplant\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n, yak\u0131nlar\u0131n\u0131n s\u00f6ylediklerine bak\u0131l\u0131rsa hi\u00e7bir \u00f6zelli\u011fi olmayan bu kad\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 duydu\u011fu korku ve \u00e7ekimin nesnesi. Evet, ne onunla ne de onsuz olmak istemedi\u011finiz sevgilinin, uzakta tuttu\u011funuz ama yitirmekten korktu\u011funuz kad\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6zlemi, onun hayali, salt mektuplardan ibaret varl\u0131\u011f\u0131, s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerde ya\u015fayan, soluk al\u0131p veren yan\u0131lt\u0131c\u0131 varl\u0131\u011f\u0131, bir kentin co\u011frafyas\u0131yla \u00f6rt\u00fc\u015febilir bazen. O co\u011frafyan\u0131n bir yazar\u0131n d\u00fcnyas\u0131ndaki izd\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fcne damgas\u0131n\u0131 vurabilir. Kafka\u2019n\u0131n Prag\u2019daki bek\u00e2r odas\u0131nda, yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa ve yaz\u0131ya g\u00f6m\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fc uzun, \u00e7ok uzun gecelerde \u2013yaln\u0131z ve uykusuz gecelerde\u2013 Berlin \u201c\u00f6teki kent\u201d olma \u00f6zelli\u011fini ta\u015f\u0131yor muydu? Ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 varsayal\u0131m. Bu \u201c\u00f6teki kent\u201d, \u00f6zlenen, arzulanan, \u00f6te yandan da d\u0131\u015flanan, uzakta tutulan, birlikte bir \u00f6m\u00fcr ge\u00e7irmek vaatleriyle be\u015f y\u0131l \u2013evet, tam be\u015f y\u0131l boyunca\u2013 oyalanan gen\u00e7 bir kad\u0131n\u0131n ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 yer de\u011fildi yaln\u0131zca. Kendisiyle didi\u015fen, yazarak varolmay\u0131 se\u00e7en, yap\u0131t\u0131n\u0131 kurarken her gece biraz daha derine, kendi d\u00fcnyas\u0131n\u0131n labirentlerine inen Kafka\u2019n\u0131n uzaktaki sevgilisi, kendi d\u00fcnyas\u0131nda ya\u015fayan yazar\u0131n ger\u00e7ek d\u00fcnyayla m\u00fccadelesiydi. K\u2019n\u0131n bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc ula\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131, Felice\u2019nin uzakl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda simgele\u015fen \u015eato\u2019ydu bir bak\u0131ma. Ya s\u00fcrd\u00fcrmek uzakl\u0131\u011f\u0131, kendi kabu\u011funa, yeralt\u0131ndaki yuvaya kapan\u0131p yazmak, giderek yap\u0131t\u0131n i\u00e7ine yerle\u015fmek, ya da Berlin\u2019deki ni\u015fanl\u0131yla evlenip \u00e7oluk \u00e7ocu\u011fa kar\u0131\u015fmak, herkes gibi olmak, ger\u00e7e\u011fin bir par\u00e7as\u0131na d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fmek. That is the question! \u00c7ok sevdi\u011fi, d\u00f6n\u00fcp yeniden okudu\u011fu, her okuyu\u015funda ba\u015fka anlamlar \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131 Flaubert \u201c\u00e7ocu\u011fu olan herkes ger\u00e7e\u011fin bir par\u00e7as\u0131d\u0131r\u201d demiyor muydu? O da evlenmemi\u015f, t\u00fcm\u00fcyle edebiyata adam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 kendini. Kafka g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde, Flaubert\u2019in \u201cRoman\u0131m zincire vuruldu\u011fum kaya. D\u00fcnyada olup bitenden haberim bile yok\u201d dedi\u011fi bir mektubundan yola \u00e7\u0131karak kendini Madame Bovary\u2019nin yazar\u0131yla kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yor. Yaln\u0131z \u015fu farkla. O Flaubert gibi hi\u00e7bir zaman rahat de\u011fildir, endi\u015fe ve karars\u0131zl\u0131k i\u00e7indedir. Berlin\u2019deki sevgiliyle Prag\u2019daki \u201cyuvas\u0131\u201d aras\u0131nda uzun, \u00e7ok uzun s\u00fcre kesin bir se\u00e7im yapamaz.
Burada, karl\u0131 Berlin gecesinde bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerle bo\u011fu\u015fuyorsam, yo\u011fun ge\u00e7en bir cinsel ya\u015fam\u0131n ard\u0131ndan, k\u0131rk iki ya\u015f\u0131nda koca, k\u0131rk d\u00f6rt ya\u015f\u0131nda baba oldu\u011fum i\u00e7indir. Art\u0131k, \u201cger\u00e7e\u011fin bir par\u00e7as\u0131\u201d say\u0131l\u0131r\u0131m. Ama burada, ailemden uzakta, t\u00fcm\u00fcyle yaz\u0131ya verebilirim kendimi, ilerleyen gecede ilerlemeyen bir kitab\u0131n \u2013\u00e7ocukluk y\u0131llar\u0131m\u0131, dolay\u0131s\u0131yla yak\u0131n aile \u00e7evremi\u2013 anlatan bir kitab\u0131n r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131yla s\u00fcr\u00fcklenebilirim. Ama, pek \u00f6yle olmuyor. Gecenin \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131s\u0131na kap\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131mda lambam\u0131 yak\u0131p yaz\u0131 masama oturaca\u011f\u0131ma d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorum. D\u0131\u015far\u0131n\u0131n, ger\u00e7ek d\u00fcnyan\u0131n i\u00e7inde kad\u0131nlara do\u011fru yol almak, delikanl\u0131 y\u0131llar\u0131mdan bu yana yakam\u0131 b\u0131rakmayan \u015fehvetin kollar\u0131nda (yollar\u0131nda!) \u2013\u201cdaha d\u00fcn annemizin kollar\u0131nda uyurken\/ \u00e7i\u00e7ekli bah\u00e7emizin yollar\u0131nda ko\u015farken\u201d mi diyorduk okullu olmaktan, s\u0131n\u0131flar\u0131 doldurmaktan gurur duydu\u011fumuz o \u015fark\u0131da?\u2013 kaybolmak i\u00e7in. Oysa \u201cyuvam\u0131 yap\u0131p bitirdim, bir \u015feye de benzedi galiba, diye yaz\u0131yor Kafka bir \u00f6yk\u00fcs\u00fcnde, d\u0131\u015fardan yaln\u0131z bir b\u00fcy\u00fck delik g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyor, ama ger\u00e7ekte bir yere \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 yok deli\u011fin, daha bir ka\u00e7 ad\u0131m sonra kayalara tosluyor\u201d. Az ileride de \u015fu sat\u0131rlar var: \u201cBen evimin ta g\u00f6be\u011finde huzur i\u00e7inde ya\u015far\u0131m, d\u00fc\u015fman\u0131m da bu arada herhangi bir yerden a\u011f\u0131r ve sessiz topra\u011f\u0131 oyar, bana yakla\u015f\u0131r.\u201d Peki kimdi bu d\u00fc\u015fman? Sartre\u2019\u0131n deyimiyle \u201cbir cehennem\u201d olan ba\u015fkalar\u0131 m\u0131, De\u011fi\u015fim\u2019de alaya al\u0131p k\u0131yas\u0131ya ele\u015ftirdi\u011fi aile \u00e7evresi mi yoksa? Ya da ger\u00e7ekli\u011fin par\u00e7as\u0131, belki de ta kendisi olanlar m\u0131? Felice, dolay\u0131s\u0131yla Berlin mi? Oraya gitme, sevgiliyle bulu\u015fma hayalleri mi? Yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131 konulmaz \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131s\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 birlikte varolman\u0131n dayan\u0131lmaz hafifli\u011fi mi? Bu sorulara yan\u0131t bulmak i\u00e7in Franz ile Felice\u2019nin \u00f6yk\u00fcs\u00fcne d\u00f6nmem gerekiyor.<\/p>\n

Kafka Felice\u2019yle, Prag\u2019daki tek yak\u0131n dostu Max Brod\u2019un evinde tan\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. 13 A\u011fustos 1912\u2019de. \u0130lk g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fte hizmet\u00e7i san\u0131p hi\u00e7 ilgilenmedi\u011fi bu gen\u00e7 kad\u0131na, g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde \u201ckemikli ve bo\u015fluk izlenimi veren bir y\u00fcze sahip\u201d dedi\u011fi, \u201csert \u00e7eneli, sar\u0131\u015f\u0131n ve \u00e7ekicilikten yoksun\u201d buldu\u011fu Felice\u2019e, neden bilinmez, mektuplar yazmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yor, sanki ani bir kararla ona a\u015f\u0131k oluyor. Salt mektuplarda kalacak, s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle tutu\u015fup alevlenecek bu uzak a\u015fk, yazarl\u0131k arzusunu kam\u00e7\u0131lam\u0131\u015f olmal\u0131 ki, Felice ile tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131ktan ve onun Berlin\u2019e d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnden on g\u00fcn sonra, bir gecede \u201cH\u00fck\u00fcm\u201d adl\u0131 anlat\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 yaz\u0131p bitiriyor. Sonra… sonras\u0131 biraz tuhaf ve olduk\u00e7a kar\u0131\u015f\u0131k. Be\u015f y\u0131l boyunca iki kez ni\u015fanlan\u0131p ayr\u0131l\u0131yor Felice\u2019den, ona y\u00fczlerce mektup yaz\u0131yor. Hepi topu bir ka\u00e7 kez birlikte olabiliyorlar, o da, \u201cduhul\u201d\u00fcn belki de hi\u00e7 ger\u00e7ekle\u015fmedi\u011fi Marienbad ve Budape\u015fte g\u00fcnlerinde. Kafka\u2019n\u0131n \u00f6nceleri s\u0131k say\u0131labilecek aralarla Berlin\u2019e gidi\u015f geli\u015flerinde ayn\u0131 yatakta uyumuyorlar, Felice ailesinin evinde kal\u0131yor \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc, yazar ise otelde. Ama Gr\u00fcnewald\u2019a gidip, o zaman\u0131n romantik havas\u0131na uyurak bir a\u011fa\u00e7 g\u00f6vdesine adlar\u0131n\u0131n ilk harfini kaz\u0131yorlar, Tiergarten\u2019de kol kola girip dola\u015f\u0131yorlar. Felice\u2019ye Mektuplar ve G\u00fcnl\u00fck\u2019den \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131m sonu\u00e7 \u015fu: Kafka, Felice ile be\u015f y\u0131l s\u00fcren f\u0131rt\u0131nal\u0131 ili\u015fkisi boyunca, iki ni\u015fan t\u00f6reni de dahil, tam yedi kez gelmi\u015f Berlin\u2019e. Peki ne yapm\u0131\u015f burada, neler hissedip neler ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f? Yazd\u0131klar\u0131na ve yak\u0131n \u00e7evresinin tan\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131na bak\u0131l\u0131rsa \u00e7ok az \u015fey. Kafka\u2019n\u0131n Dora Diamant ile ge\u00e7irdi\u011fi Berlin g\u00fcnleri hakk\u0131nda daha fazla bilgi sahibiyiz, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc yazar \u00f6mr\u00fcn\u00fcn son alt\u0131 ay\u0131n\u0131, hi\u00e7bir yere k\u0131p\u0131rdamadan ge\u00e7iriyor bu kentte, oysa Felice ile ni\u015fanl\u0131yken, giderek daha seyrek, o da ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rmek ve onunla evlilik hayalleri kurmak, ger\u00e7ekte ise evlenmemek i\u00e7in geliyor Berlin\u2019e. Yine de, Kafka\u2019n\u0131n bu d\u00f6nem s\u00fcresince Berlin\u2019de hem ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131n en mutlu, hem de en kederli, belki de en s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131l\u0131 g\u00fcnlerini ge\u00e7irdi\u011fini s\u00f6yleyebilirim.
Kafka 11 \u015eubat 1913 tarihinde, ilk Berlin yolculu\u011funun d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnde \u201cH\u00fck\u00fcm\u201d hakk\u0131ndaki d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerini yazarken, bu \u00f6yk\u00fcde Brandenburg y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcn an\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n etkisinden s\u00f6z ediyor, ama bu y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f ve sonu\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131klam\u0131yor. \u0130kinci Berlin yolculu\u011funun arefesinde ise, olduk\u00e7a anlaml\u0131 bir karabasan\u0131 not ediyor g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne:
\u201cNereden geldi\u011fi belli olmayan bir kaz\u0131k arkadan evli erke\u011fe girip yere y\u0131km\u0131\u015f onu, delip ge\u00e7mi\u015f. Kollar\u0131 iki yana a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015f yerde yatarken, ba\u015f\u0131 yukarda inleyip duruyor. Az sonra aya\u011fa kalkmay\u0131 ve k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre i\u00e7in de olsa dengede durmay\u0131 becerebiliyor. A\u015fa\u011f\u0131 yukar\u0131 kaz\u0131\u011f\u0131n geldi\u011fi y\u00f6n\u00fc ve ona girdi\u011fini s\u00f6ylemekten ba\u015fka anlatacak hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi yok. Bu anlat\u0131lanlar evli kad\u0131n\u0131 yormaya ba\u015fl\u0131yor sonunda, hele erkek her defas\u0131nda yeni bir y\u00f6n\u00fc g\u00f6sterdik\u00e7e\u201d.
Bo\u011fazkesen\u2019de, Venedikli kaptan Antonio Rizzo\u2019nun kaz\u0131\u011fa oturtulu\u015funu ayr\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131yla yaz\u0131p onun ac\u0131 akibetinin sonuna, roman\u0131n yazar\u0131 Fatih Haznedar\u2019\u0131n a\u011fz\u0131ndan \u015fu c\u00fcmleyi eklemi\u015f olmam bir rastlant\u0131 m\u0131yd\u0131?
\u201cTarihlerde, Rizzo\u2019nun gemisinin Bo\u011fazkesen\u2019den a\u00e7\u0131lan top ate\u015fiyle bat\u0131r\u0131l\u0131p kendisinin kaz\u0131\u011fa oturtuldu\u011fundan ba\u015fka bir kayda rastlamam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Onun boyunu bosunu, yak\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, tat d\u00fc\u015fk\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc, giderek karakter \u00f6zelliklerini hayalimde kurarken beklenmedik bir bi\u00e7imde noktalanan ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131 da d\u00fc\u015flemeye, bu ya\u015fam\u0131n bendeki izd\u00fc\u015f\u00fcmlerini ara\u015ft\u0131rmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Ama, Rizzo\u2019ya giren kaz\u0131\u011f\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 kendi tenimde duydu\u011fumu \u00f6ne s\u00fcrecek kadar de\u011fil.\u201d
Bu kaz\u0131k konusunu evlilikle, daha do\u011frusu evlili\u011fe giden yolda kar\u015f\u0131la\u015f\u0131lan engel ve g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fcklerle kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmamak gerekti\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Ama, evli erke\u011fe nereden gelip girdi\u011fi belirsiz kaz\u0131\u011f\u0131n, yaln\u0131zca Kafka i\u00e7in de\u011fil, onun gibi karars\u0131zl\u0131k denizinde bo\u011fulan bir \u00e7ok bek\u00e2r erkek i\u00e7in de benzer anlamlar ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6ylemeliyim. \u00c7o\u011fu okurun tiksinerek okuyaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bile bile Bo\u011fazkesen\u2019in o b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc yazarken, kaz\u0131k i\u015fkencesini t\u00fcm ayr\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131yla anlat\u0131rken, akl\u0131mda Ivo Andri\u00e7\u2019in Drina K\u00f6pr\u00fcs\u00fc\u2019ndeki kaz\u0131k sahnesi vard\u0131, ama ger\u00e7ekte evlenme hayalleri kurarken beni yar\u0131 yolda, o \u015fark\u0131daki gibi \u201cdipsiz kuyularda yaln\u0131z\u201d b\u0131rakan kad\u0131n\u0131n an\u0131s\u0131yla ba\u015f ba\u015fayd\u0131m. Antonio Rizzo\u2019ya giren kaz\u0131k bu kad\u0131n\u0131n y\u00f6n\u00fcnden geliyordu, Kafka\u2019n\u0131n yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi her defas\u0131nda ba\u015fka bir y\u00f6n\u00fc g\u00f6stersem de.
Kafka, ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131n neredeyse tek saplant\u0131s\u0131 haline gelen Felice\u2019i g\u00f6rmek \u00fczere Berlin\u2019e gitmeden \u00f6nce, g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde ayr\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131yla yer alan bir d\u00fc\u015f g\u00f6r\u00fcyor. Giderek karabasana d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fen, yazar\u0131n ruh halini ve evlilikten (evlenmek, bir ev edinmekten) nas\u0131l endi\u015fe duydu\u011funu, korktu\u011funu, b\u00f6yle bir olas\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n onu nas\u0131l umutsuzlu\u011fa s\u00fcr\u00fckledi\u011fini a\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7a yans\u0131tan bir d\u00fc\u015f. Bir sabah, kald\u0131\u011f\u0131 pansiyondan Felice\u2019in evine do\u011fru yola \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor. O zaman sevgilisi kentin do\u011fusunda, ailesiyle birlikte Immanuelkirchstrasse\u2019de oturmaktad\u0131r, Berlin\u2019in burjuva semti Charlottenburg\u2019daki (Wilmerdorferstrasse 73) geni\u015f ve ferah evlerine ta\u015f\u0131nmam\u0131\u015flard\u0131r hen\u00fcz. Resmen ni\u015fanlan\u0131p m\u00fcstakbel yuvalar\u0131n\u0131 hangi mobilyalarla d\u00f6\u015feyecekleri konusu da, yani daha sonradan aralar\u0131n\u0131n a\u00e7\u0131lmas\u0131na yol a\u00e7acak bahanelerden en \u201ckonformist\u201d olan\u0131 da g\u00fcndemde de\u011fildir. Ama yazar, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnde, bir s\u00fcr\u00fc sokaktan ge\u00e7se de, Felice\u2019in evini bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc bulamaz. Ne var ki i\u00e7i rahatt\u0131r, tuhaf bir \u00f6zg\u00fcven duygusuyla dola\u015f\u0131r durur oralarda. Hatta \u201cya\u015fl\u0131 ve k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 burunlu\u201d bir polis memuruna adresi sorup ayr\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131yla not eder. \u00d6nce metroya, sonra tramvaya binecektir. A\u015fa\u011f\u0131 yukar\u0131 yar\u0131m saatlik bir yoldur, ama polis memuru kendisinin oraya \u201calt\u0131 dakikada\u201d ula\u015fabilece\u011fini s\u00f6yleyince hem \u015fa\u015f\u0131r\u0131r hem \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcr. Yan\u0131nda s\u00fcrekli biri vard\u0131r, bir arkada\u015f ya da kendi g\u00f6lgesi. Ama Felice\u2019in evini bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc bulamaz, K\u2019n\u0131n t\u00fcm \u00e7abalar\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131n \u015eato\u2019ya ula\u015famamas\u0131 gibi. Ger\u00e7ekte oraya var\u0131p evin (evlili\u011fin) e\u015fi\u011finden i\u00e7eriye ad\u0131m\u0131n\u0131 atmak idam sehpas\u0131na g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fclmekten daha korkun\u00e7 bir olas\u0131l\u0131kt\u0131r. G\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne evlilik konusunda yazd\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131, \u00f6rne\u011fin \u201cbir kad\u0131nla birle\u015fmeyi, birlikte ya\u015fama mutlu\u011funun bedeli, hatta cezas\u0131\u201d olarak g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc, annesiyle babas\u0131n\u0131n yata\u011f\u0131ndan tiksindi\u011fini, edebiyat\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda her \u015feyden, aile ziyaretleriyle sohbetlerden, hatta edebiyat \u00fczerine konu\u015fmaktan bile s\u0131k\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, ancak yaln\u0131zken \u2013mutlak bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131k i\u00e7indeyken\u2013 kendisi olabildi\u011fini g\u00f6z \u00f6n\u00fcnde tutarsak, Kafka\u2019n\u0131n Felice ile nas\u0131l bir k\u00f6rebe oyunu oynad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, kedinin fareyle e\u011flendi\u011fi gibi onunla e\u011flendi\u011fini, ne var ki bu tehlikeli oyunun sonunda hem kendini hem de Felice\u2019i mahvetti\u011fini daha iyi anlar\u0131z.
Kafka, Berlin\u2019e \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc kez geli\u015finde (8-9 Kas\u0131m 1913) Felice ile ancak birka\u00e7 saat birlikte olabilir. Cumartesi ak\u015fam\u0131 21.30\u2019da Anhalt gar\u0131nda trenden indi\u011finde kimse kar\u015f\u0131lamaz onu, ertesi g\u00fcn de, 16.30\u2019da Prag\u2019a d\u00f6nmeden \u00f6nce, sevgilisinden uzun s\u00fcre haber bekler. Sonunda bulu\u015fup Tiergarten\u2019de gezintiye \u00e7\u0131karlar. Bu gezi s\u0131ras\u0131nda ortak gelecekleri a\u00e7\u0131s\u0131ndan \u00f6nemli \u015feyler konu\u015ftuklar\u0131, daha do\u011frusu Felice\u2019in bu oyundan b\u0131k\u0131p evlilik projesini g\u00fcndemden \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131 anla\u015f\u0131l\u0131yor. Bunun \u00fczerine arac\u0131lara ba\u015fvuruyor Kafka, bir mektubunda yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi, ne onunla olabiliyor ne de onsuz. \u0130ki \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcm \u00f6ng\u00f6r\u00fcyor g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde: \u201cEvlilik ya da Berlin, ilki daha emin bir \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcm, ikincisi, \u015fimdilik daha \u00e7ekici.\u201d Asl\u0131nda \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcms\u00fczl\u00fck \u00fcreten bir k\u0131s\u0131r d\u00f6ng\u00fcde Berlin\u2019e gidip gelmeleri s\u00fcrd\u00fcrecek, son ve kesin ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011fa, yani 1917 y\u0131l\u0131na dek bu git-gel i\u00e7inde hem kendini, hem sevdi\u011fi kad\u0131n\u0131n sabr\u0131n\u0131 bitirip t\u00fcketecektir. Ayr\u0131ld\u0131klar\u0131nda, y\u00fczlerce (Felice\u2019in kaybolan mektuplar\u0131n\u0131 da sayarsak belki binlerce) sayfal\u0131k mektupla\u015fman\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda, Berlin\u2019de ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bo\u011funtulu g\u00fcnlerin an\u0131s\u0131 kalacakt\u0131r. Bir de, uykusuz ve yorgun gecelerin, kendini bunca h\u0131rpalaman\u0131n sonunda gelen \u00f6l\u00fcmc\u00fcl hastal\u0131k.
Onlar\u0131 1914 y\u0131l\u0131n\u0131n sonbahar\u0131nda, Tiergarten\u2019de yapraklar\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6ken a\u011fa\u00e7lar\u0131n alt\u0131nda kol kola y\u00fcr\u00fcrken hayal edebiliyorum. Sava\u015f\u0131n eli kula\u011f\u0131nda ama, \u201cmuztarip\u201d sevgililerin d\u00fcnya umurlar\u0131nda de\u011fil. Varsa yoksa kendi mutluluklar\u0131. Daha do\u011frusu mutsuzluklar\u0131, birbirlerine \u00e7ektirdikleri ac\u0131lar. Evlenelim mi, yoksa b\u00f6yle s\u00fcr\u00fcp gitsin mi ili\u015fkimiz, Prag\u2019a yerle\u015firsek evimizi nas\u0131l d\u00f6\u015feyelim, Berlin\u2019de karar k\u0131larsak Franz yeni bir i\u015f bulabilir mi? Odas\u0131na kapan\u0131p, gece lambas\u0131n\u0131n \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda yazabilir mi? Filistin\u2019e mi gitmeli yoksa, neden olmas\u0131n, ilk kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmalar\u0131nda Franz, fazla inanmasa da, b\u00f6yle bir \u00f6neride bulunmam\u0131\u015f m\u0131yd\u0131? Y\u00fcr\u00fcyorlar. Yaz\u0131n gelmesine, milyonlarca insan\u0131n fel\u00e2keti olacak B\u00fcy\u00fck Sava\u015f\u2019\u0131n patlak vermesine pek az kalm\u0131\u015f ama ne gam! Franz g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne \u201cAlmanya Rusya\u2019ya sava\u015f il\u00e2n etti. \u00d6\u011fleden sonra y\u00fczme havuzuna gittim\u201d diye yazmam\u0131\u015f hen\u00fcz. Evet, g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrde parka gelen di\u011fer sevgililerden farkl\u0131 de\u011filler. Franz, \u00fczerinden \u00e7\u0131karmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 hep ayn\u0131 giysinin i\u00e7inde \u2013ince, uzun bacaklar\u0131na uygun \u00fct\u00fcl\u00fc, dar pa\u00e7al\u0131 pantolon, gri kost\u00fcm, siyah ya\u011fmurluk, kolal\u0131, beyaz yakal\u0131 g\u00f6mlek ve siyah kravat\u2013 \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor gibi, Felice ba\u015f\u0131nda geni\u015f kenarl\u0131, kocaman \u015fapkas\u0131yla biraz d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceli. Franz\u2019\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131nda da, g\u00fcr ve siyah sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6rten f\u00f6tr \u015fapkas\u0131 var. O da siyah. Tepeden t\u0131rna\u011fa, yarasa gibi siyahlara b\u00fcr\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015f bir karanl\u0131k adamla sonbahar yapraklar\u0131n\u0131n h\u00fczn\u00fcn\u00fc ta\u015f\u0131yan ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131 kol kola y\u00fcr\u00fcyorlar. Derken bir tart\u0131\u015fma \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor aralar\u0131nda. Kafka\u2019n\u0131n d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fte g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne yazd\u0131klar\u0131na bak\u0131l\u0131rsa, Felice ad\u0131mlar\u0131n\u0131 h\u0131zland\u0131r\u0131p aray\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131yor, Franz ise pe\u015finden ko\u015fup onu yakalamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor, al\u00e7almaya, yalvar\u0131p k\u00f6pekle\u015fmeye haz\u0131r, evlilik \u00f6nerisine olumlu yan\u0131t vermesini istiyor, \u0131srarla, bunun hi\u00e7bir zaman ger\u00e7ekle\u015fmeyece\u011fini bilse de. \u201cEvet de ne olur, diye hayk\u0131r\u0131yor, bana duydu\u011fun sevgi evlenmemiz i\u00e7in yeterli de\u011fil biliyorum, ama ben ikimiz i\u00e7in de seviyorum seni. De\u011fi\u015fece\u011fim, s\u00f6z. Yeni bir adam olaca\u011f\u0131m.\u201d Felice\u2019in kendisini art\u0131k eskisi kadar sevmedi\u011fini biliyor, onu kazanmak, sonra da yads\u0131mak i\u00e7in her yola ba\u015fvuruyor. Ve aradan \u00e7ok ge\u00e7meden, yine Berlin\u2019de, 1 Haziran g\u00fcn\u00fc, ailelerin kat\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 sade ve son derece s\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 bir t\u00f6renle ni\u015fanlan\u0131yorlar. Ne var ki, pek fazla mutluluk vadetmese de bu ba\u015flang\u0131\u00e7la de\u011fil, bir yarg\u0131lamaya d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fen, Kafka\u2019y\u0131 bir mahkemenin kar\u015f\u0131ndaym\u0131\u015fcas\u0131na su\u00e7luluk duygusuyla titreten bir ayr\u0131l\u0131kla sonu\u00e7lan\u0131yor bu giri\u015fim. Prag\u2019a d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnde g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne \u015funlar\u0131 yaz\u0131yor Kafka:
\u201cBerlin\u2019den d\u00f6nd\u00fcm. Bir cani gibi elim kolum ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Bir k\u00f6\u015fede, \u00f6n\u00fcmde n\u00f6bet tutan jandarmalarla ger\u00e7ek zincirlerle ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015f olarak t\u00f6reni izleseydim, kendimi bundan daha k\u00f6t\u00fc hissetmezdim.\u201d Bu durum, edebiyat tarih\u00e7ileriyle Kafka uzmanlar\u0131n\u0131n \u201cAskanisher Hof Mahkemesi\u201d diye adland\u0131rd\u0131klar\u0131, Franz ile Felice\u2019in ilk ayr\u0131l\u0131klar\u0131yla sonu\u00e7lanacak yedinci Berlin yolculu\u011funun da nedeni oluyor.
Temmuz ba\u015f\u0131nda g\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne \u201c\u00c7ok yorgunum\u201d, 5 Temmuz\u2019da da \u201cBunca ac\u0131y\u0131 \u00e7ekmek ve \u00e7ektirmek\u201d c\u00fcmlelerinden ba\u015fka bir \u015fey yazmayan Kafka, 12 Temmuz 1914\u2019de arkada\u015f\u0131 Ernst Weiss\u2019in e\u015fli\u011finde Askanischer Hof\u2019ta, bug\u00fcn yerinde yeller esen K\u00f6niggratzer Strasse 21 numaradaki o be\u015f katl\u0131, so\u011fuk ta\u015f yap\u0131da, Felice ile bulu\u015fuyor. Bir a\u015fk bulu\u015fmas\u0131 de\u011fil bu, Franz\u2019\u0131n yarg\u0131land\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir duru\u015fman\u0131n ilk celsesi. Felice\u2019in yan\u0131nda en k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131zkarde\u015fi Erna ve yak\u0131n arkada\u015f\u0131, Franz ile aralar\u0131n\u0131 bulmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan Grete Bloch var. Franz, gizliden Grete Bloch\u2019u da seviyor, hatta Elias Canetti\u2019nin yazd\u0131klar\u0131na bak\u0131l\u0131rsa, bu gizli a\u015fktan dolay\u0131 su\u00e7luluk duygusu i\u00e7inde \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131yor. Her neyse, Dava\u2019y\u0131 yazmadan \u00f6nce, Berlin\u2019de bir ba\u015fka dava sonucunda, istedi\u011fi, nicedir bekledi\u011fi \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011fe mahk\u00fbm ediliyor. Art\u0131k, ikinci ni\u015fan t\u00f6renine dek, mutlak yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131na kavu\u015fmu\u015f, deyim yerindeyse \u201cmurad\u0131na ermi\u015f\u201dtir. \u00d6\u011fleden sonra Felice\u2019in anne ve babas\u0131n\u0131 ziyaret edip izin istiyor, iki kez y\u00fczme havuzunda yorgunlu\u011funu yenmeye, direnme g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc yeniden kazanmayan \u00e7abal\u0131yor, ak\u015fam Felice\u2019in k\u0131z karde\u015fi Erna Bauer ile, Stralau k\u00f6pr\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00fczerindeki Belv\u00e9d\u00e8re lokantas\u0131nda, nehir gemilerine bakarak, bir kadeh \u015farab\u0131n e\u015fli\u011finde yemek yiyor. G\u00fcya Felice\u2019den kesin ayr\u0131l\u0131yor ama, bir bak\u0131ma, aileyle ili\u015fkisini s\u00fcrd\u00fcr\u00fcyor. Ertesi g\u00fcn, Berlin\u2019den ayr\u0131lmadan \u00f6nce \u201cBeni k\u00f6t\u00fc an\u0131msamay\u0131n\u201d diye bir telgraf g\u00f6nderiyor Bauer\u2019lere. Kendini idam sehpas\u0131nda s\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 bir nutuk atan hatibe benzetiyor. \u0130\u015fte Kafka\u2019n\u0131n kaleminden o \u201cme\u015fum\u201d g\u00fcn\u00fcn izlenimleri:
\u201cOtelde duru\u015fma. At arabas\u0131yla d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f. F.\u2019nin y\u00fcz\u00fc. Elleriyle sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fczeltirken esneyi\u015fi. Birden uzun zamand\u0131r saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131, \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcp bi\u00e7ti\u011fi, aleyhimdeki s\u00f6zleri tartarak s\u00f6ylemeye ba\u015fl\u0131yor. Mlle Bl. ile d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f. Oteldeki odam, kar\u015f\u0131 duvardan vuran s\u0131cak. Bir kemer olu\u015fturmadan \u00f6nce pencereyi ku\u015fatan yan duvarlardan da s\u0131cak vuruyor. Ayr\u0131ca \u00f6\u011fleden sonra g\u00fcne\u015fi. Garson canl\u0131 hareketleriyle, Do\u011fudan gelmi\u015f bir yahudi gibi. Avludan makine g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fcs\u00fcne benzer sesler geliyor. K\u00f6t\u00fc kokular da var. Ve bir pire. Ezip ezmemeye bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc karar veremiyorum.\u201d
Ertesi g\u00fcn, Unter den Linden\u2019de bir kahvenin teras\u0131nda yaln\u0131z ba\u015f\u0131na oturduktan sonra, Askanischer Hof\u2019un bah\u00e7esinde ak\u015fam yeme\u011fi boyunca, onu izleyen merakl\u0131 bak\u0131\u015flardan \u00e7ekinerek, ham bir \u015feftaliyle m\u00fccadele ediyor. \u015eeftaliyi b\u0131\u00e7akla kesmeyi ba\u015faramay\u0131nca uzun s\u00fcre, neredeyse on kez, Fliegende Blatter gazetesinin sayfalar\u0131n\u0131 kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yor. \u015eeftaliyi di\u015flemekten de geri kalm\u0131yor bu arada.
Kafka\u2019n\u0131n Berlin ser\u00fcveni \u00fczerine, \u015fimdilik yazabileceklerim bundan ibaret. Onun bu kente gelip yerle\u015fti\u011fi g\u00fcnleri de anlatmak isterim elbet. Dora Diamant ile kart bir bek\u00e2r gibi de\u011fil, uysal bir evli yazar gibi oturdu\u011fu evleri gidip g\u00f6rd\u00fckten, Berlin\u2019de Kafka\u2019n\u0131n izini s\u00fcrerken kendi hayaletimle kar\u015f\u0131la\u015f\u0131p hesapla\u015ft\u0131ktan sonra. Evet, b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlardan ve beni bekleyen yaln\u0131zl\u0131k gecelerinden sonra.<\/p>\n

Nedim G\u00fcrsel<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bir s\u00fcredir karl\u0131 Berlin gecesinde \u2013gecelerinde\u2013 neredeyse unutmaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m T\u00fcrk\u00e7e s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle bo\u011fu\u015furken, lamban\u0131n \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda beyaz k\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131n bo\u015flu\u011funa, u\u00e7umuna do\u011fru \u00e7ekilmeden \u2013d\u00fc\u015fmeden\u2013 \u00f6nce Kafka\u2019y\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Onun yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, kendini t\u00fcm\u00fcyle edebiyata adamak, adayabilmek i\u00e7in katland\u0131\u011f\u0131 ac\u0131lar\u0131, d\u00fcnyadan, a\u015fklardan, yery\u00fcz\u00fc nimetlerinin t\u00fcm\u00fcnden uzak durma kararl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131. E\u011fer yazmak her s\u00f6zc\u00fckle biraz daha derine inmekse, sonu belirsiz bir kaz\u0131ya ba\u015flay\u0131p […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[134],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-4265","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-kuram"},"yoast_head":"\nBir Varolu\u015f Bi\u00e7imi Olarak Yaz\u0131 ya da Franz ile Felice | Nedim G\u00fcrsel - narteks.net<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2010\/02\/27\/bir-varolus-bicimi-olarak-yazi-ya-da-franz-ile-felice-nedim-gursel\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"tr_TR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Bir Varolu\u015f Bi\u00e7imi Olarak Yaz\u0131 ya da Franz ile Felice | Nedim G\u00fcrsel\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Bir s\u00fcredir karl\u0131 Berlin gecesinde \u2013gecelerinde\u2013 neredeyse unutmaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m T\u00fcrk\u00e7e s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle bo\u011fu\u015furken, lamban\u0131n \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda beyaz k\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131n bo\u015flu\u011funa, u\u00e7umuna do\u011fru \u00e7ekilmeden \u2013d\u00fc\u015fmeden\u2013 \u00f6nce Kafka\u2019y\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. 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