{"id":4752,"date":"2010-11-01T11:50:05","date_gmt":"2010-11-01T08:50:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2010\/11\/01\/hic-icin-metinler-samuel-beckett\/"},"modified":"2010-11-01T11:50:05","modified_gmt":"2010-11-01T08:50:05","slug":"hic-icin-metinler-samuel-beckett","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2010\/11\/01\/hic-icin-metinler-samuel-beckett\/","title":{"rendered":"Hi\u00e7 \u0130\u00e7in Metinler | Samuel Beckett"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"text-align: justify;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/upload.wikimedia.org\/wikipedia\/tr\/3\/39\/SamuelBeckett.jpg\" border=\"0\" width=\"155\" height=\"205\" style=\"float: left;\" \/>B\u0131rak, b\u0131rak t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131 diyecektim. Kimin konu\u015ftu\u011funun ne \u00f6nemi var, biri kimin konu\u015ftu\u011funun ne \u00f6nemi var dedi. Biri kalk\u0131p gidecek, giden ben olaca\u011f\u0131m, ben olmayaca\u011f\u0131m o, ben burada olaca\u011f\u0131m, buradan uzaktay\u0131m diyece\u011fim, ben olmayaca\u011f\u0131m o, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemeyece\u011fim, bir \u00f6yk\u00fc anlat\u0131lacak, biri bir \u00f6yk\u00fc anlatmaya \u00e7abalayacak. Evet, yads\u0131m\u0131yorum art\u0131k, her \u015fey d\u00fczmece, hi\u00e7 kimse yok, anla\u015f\u0131ld\u0131 de\u011fil mi, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yok, t\u00fcmceler de kalmad\u0131, hadi al\u0131kla\u015fal\u0131m, t\u00fcm zamanlar\u0131n, t\u00fcm zaman kiplerinin al\u0131\u011f\u0131 olal\u0131m, sona ermesini beklerken bunun, her \u015feyin ge\u00e7ip sona ermesini, seslerin kesilmesini, yaln\u0131zca sesler var, yaln\u0131zca yalanlar. Buradan, gitmek buradan ve ba\u015fka bir yere varmak, ya da kalmak burada ama bir a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 bir yukar\u0131 dolanarak. \u00d6nce k\u0131m\u0131lda, bir beden gerekli, eskisi gibi, yads\u0131m\u0131yorum bunu, yads\u0131mayaca\u011f\u0131m art\u0131k, bir bedenim var diyece\u011fim, aya\u011fa kalkaca\u011f\u0131m, ya\u015famak diyece\u011fim buna, benim diyece\u011fim, aya\u011fa kalkaca\u011f\u0131m, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeyi b\u0131rakaca\u011f\u0131m, i\u015fimle dolu olaca\u011f\u0131m, ayakta durmakla, ayakta durmay\u0131 s\u00fcrd\u00fcrmekle, yer de\u011fi\u015ftirmekle, katlanmakla, yar\u0131na, gelecek haftaya sa\u011f \u00e7\u0131kmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmakla, yeterli olacak fazlas\u0131yla b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar, bir hafta, ilkbaharda bir hafta fazlas\u0131yla yeterli olacak, ya\u015fam \u015f\u0131r\u0131ngalayacak i\u00e7imize. Arzulamak yeterli bunu, arzulayaca\u011f\u0131m ben de, bir bedenim olmas\u0131n\u0131 arzulayaca\u011f\u0131m, bir kafam olmas\u0131n\u0131 arzulayaca\u011f\u0131m, birazc\u0131k kuvvet, birazc\u0131k da cesaret, \u015fimdi koyuluyorum i\u015fe, bir hafta \u00e7ok \u00e7abuk ge\u00e7ti, sonra d\u00f6nd\u00fcm buraya, \u015fu kar\u0131\u015f\u0131k yere, g\u00fcnlerden uzak, g\u00fcnler uzak, kolay olmayacak. Peki neden t\u00fcm bunlardan sonra, hay\u0131r, hay\u0131r, b\u0131rak, ba\u015flama yeniden, dinleme t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131, t\u00fcm bunlar deme, her \u015fey eski, her \u015fey e\u015fde\u011ferde, yazg\u0131lar\u0131 b\u00f6yle yaz\u0131ld\u0131.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">Ayaklar\u0131n\u0131n \u00fczerindesin i\u015fte \u015fimdi, do\u011frulu\u011funa ant i\u00e7erim, senin bunlar, benim bu, ant i\u00e7erim, oynat ellerini, dokun kafana, usun orada i\u015fte, bir \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmasa \u00e7uvallard\u0131n an\u0131nda, ba\u015fka yerlerine ge\u00e7elim \u015fimdi, daha a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 b\u00f6lgelere, onlara da gereksinmen var, s\u00f6yle bakal\u0131m neye benziyorsun, bir tahminde bulun, nas\u0131l bir adams\u0131n, bir erkek gerekiyor, ya da bir kad\u0131n, bacakaran\u0131 yokla bir, g\u00fczellik zorunlu de\u011fil, g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fcl\u00fck de \u00f6yle, bir hafta k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre, kimse sevmeyecek seni, korkma sak\u0131n. Hay\u0131r, b\u00f6yle de\u011fil, \u00e7ok ani oldu, korkuya kap\u0131ld\u0131m. Ama ba\u015flamak i\u00e7in debelenmeyi b\u0131raksan, \u00f6ld\u00fcrmeyecekler seni, kimse seni sevmeyecek, kimse seni \u00f6ld\u00fcrmeyecek, belki Gobi \u00e7\u00f6l\u00fcnde bulacaks\u0131n kendini, yuvanda hissedeceksin orada. Seni burada bekleyece\u011fim, hay\u0131r, yaln\u0131z\u0131m, yaln\u0131z\u0131m ben, bu kez benim gitmem gerekiyor. Nas\u0131l yapaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilmiyorum, bir adam, bir t\u00fcr adam, ya\u015f alm\u0131\u015f bir \u00e7ocuk olaca\u011f\u0131m, zorunluyum buna, bir dad\u0131m olacak, \u00fcst\u00fcme titreyecek benim, kar\u015f\u0131dan kar\u015f\u0131ya ge\u00e7erken elimden tutacak, parklarda \u00f6zg\u00fcr b\u0131rakacak beni, uslu duraca\u011f\u0131m, bir k\u00f6\u015feye sinip kedi gibi oturaca\u011f\u0131m ve sakal\u0131m\u0131 tarayaca\u011f\u0131m, d\u00fczle\u015ftirece\u011fim onu, daha yak\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131, biraz daha yak\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131 olmak i\u00e7in, b\u00f6ylesi ne g\u00fczel olurdu ku\u015fkusuz. Gel yavrum, d\u00f6nme zaman\u0131 geldi, diyecek bana. Sorumlulu\u011fum olmayacak hi\u00e7, t\u00fcm sorumlulu\u011fumu o \u00fczerine alacak, Bibi olacak ad\u0131, Bibi diyece\u011fim ona, b\u00f6ylesi ne g\u00fczel olurdu ku\u015fkusuz. Gel yavrum, uyku zaman\u0131 geldi. T\u00fcm bildiklerimi kim \u00f6\u011fretti bana, kendi ba\u015f\u0131ma \u00f6\u011frendim, avarelik y\u0131llar\u0131mda, do\u011fadan \u00e7\u0131karsad\u0131m her \u015feyi, yaradan\u0131n yard\u0131m\u0131yla, ben de\u011filim biliyorum, ama \u00e7ok ge\u00e7 art\u0131k, bunu yads\u0131mak i\u00e7in \u00e7ok ge\u00e7, bilgi birikimim burada, i\u00e7indeki k\u0131r\u0131nt\u0131lar, f\u0131rt\u0131nada s\u0131rayla, g\u00f6z k\u0131rp\u0131p duruyor belli aral\u0131klarla, beni aldatmak i\u00e7in. B\u0131rak ve git, gitme zaman\u0131 geldi, bunu s\u00f6ylemek gerekiyor ne olursa olsun, zaman\u0131 geldi, nedeni bilinmiyor. Kendini tan\u0131mlama bi\u00e7iminin ne \u00f6nemi var, burada ya da ba\u015fka bir yerde olmak, gezmek ya da yerinden k\u0131m\u0131ldamamak, boylu, insans\u0131 bir bi\u00e7ime sahip olmak ya da bir bi\u00e7imden yoksun olmak, karanl\u0131kta kalmak ya da g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131yla ayd\u0131nlanmak, bilmiyorum, \u00f6nemi var g\u00f6z\u00fck\u00fcyor, kolay olmayacak bu. Her \u015feyin karard\u0131\u011f\u0131 o ana d\u00f6nseydim yeniden ve oradan ba\u015flasayd\u0131m, hay\u0131r, bir yere varamazd\u0131m buradan, bir yere varamad\u0131m hi\u00e7bir zaman, bellekten silindi gitti o an, kocaman bir alevdi, sonra karanl\u0131k, b\u00fcy\u00fck bir sars\u0131l\u0131\u015ft\u0131, sonra a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131ktan ve katedilecek uzamdan soyutlan\u0131\u015f. Bir yal\u0131yardan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 atmay\u0131 denedim kendimi, soka\u011f\u0131n ortas\u0131na \u00f6l\u00fcml\u00fclerin aras\u0131na y\u0131\u011f\u0131ld\u0131m kald\u0131m, bir sonu\u00e7 alamad\u0131m vazge\u00e7tim. Beni buraya getirip b\u0131rakan yola yeniden koyulup, sonra da geri d\u00f6nmek, ya da daha uzaklara yol almak, bilgece bir \u00f6\u011f\u00fct bu. Bir daha yerimden k\u0131m\u0131ldamayay\u0131m diye bu, O ben de\u011filim, do\u011fru de\u011fil, o ben de\u011filim, ben uzaktay\u0131m, diye, on y\u00fczy\u0131lda bir m\u0131r\u0131ldanarak, sonsuza kadar a\u011fz\u0131mdan salyalar ak\u0131tay\u0131m diye. Hay\u0131r hay\u0131r, gelecekten s\u00f6z edece\u011fim \u015fimdi, gelecek zaman kipinde s\u00fcrd\u00fcrece\u011fim s\u00f6ylemimi, aynen eskiden geceleri kendime, Yar\u0131n sar\u0131 yald\u0131zl\u0131 koyu mavi kravat\u0131m\u0131 takaca\u011f\u0131m (gecenin bitiminde tak\u0131yordum onu) dedi\u011fim gibi. \u00c7abuk \u00e7abuk, yoksa a\u011flayaca\u011f\u0131m. Bir dostum olacak, benim ya\u015flar\u0131mda, benden farks\u0131z, eski bir sava\u015f\u00e7\u0131, sava\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z g\u00fcnlerden s\u00f6z edece\u011fiz birlikte, yara izlerimizi g\u00f6sterece\u011fiz birbirimize. \u00c7abuk \u00e7abuk. Ben toplumla pusuya d\u00fc\u015fen d\u00fc\u015fmana ate\u015f ya\u011fd\u0131r\u0131rken deniz kuvvetlerinde yapm\u0131\u015f olmal\u0131yd\u0131 askerli\u011fini, belki de Jellicoe\u2019ydu komutan\u0131. Ya\u015fayacak, \u00f6n\u00fcm\u00fczde ya\u015fayacak \u00e7ok zaman\u0131m\u0131z kalmad\u0131 g\u00f6z\u00fck\u00fcyor art\u0131k, son k\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z bu ku\u015fkusuz, amin. \u00d6l\u00fcm\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fcn neden olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 soruyoruz birbirimize. O verem diyor kendisi i\u00e7in, bense prostat. Birbirimizi k\u0131skan\u0131yoruz, ben onu k\u0131skan\u0131yorum, o beni k\u0131skan\u0131yor arada s\u0131rada. Genel bir tuvalette ayakta, tek ba\u015f\u0131ma, titreyen elimle, iki b\u00fckl\u00fcm olmu\u015f, pelerinimle \u00f6rt\u00fcnerek sonda sokuyorum, insanlar ya\u015fl\u0131 ve i\u011fren\u00e7 bir ihtiyar yerine koyuyor beni. Bu s\u0131rada o bir banka oturmu\u015f, \u00f6ks\u00fcr\u00fcklerle sars\u0131larak, dolar dolmaz, uygarl\u0131k gere\u011fi kanala bo\u015faltt\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir enfiye kutusuna t\u00fck\u00fcrerek bekliyor beni. Anayurdumuza lay\u0131k evlatlar olduk biz, \u00f6lmeden \u00f6nce d\u00fc\u015fk\u00fcnlerevine kald\u0131racaklar bizi. Kamuya a\u00e7\u0131k bir ye\u015fil alanda ayn\u0131 anda g\u00fcne\u015fin \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131yla bedava bir bank\u0131 bir araya getirmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015farak ge\u00e7iriyoruz ya\u015fam\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 (o bizim ya\u015fam\u0131m\u0131z), do\u011faya biraz ge\u00e7 ya\u015fta g\u00f6n\u00fcl d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrd\u00fck, kimi yerlerde herkese ait o. Al\u00e7ak sesle, soluksuz kala kala bir \u00f6nceki g\u00fcn\u00fcn gazetesini okuyor bana, g\u00f6zleri g\u00f6rmeseydi ke\u015fke. At yar\u0131\u015flar\u0131 ortak tutkumuz, taz\u0131 yar\u0131\u015flar\u0131 da, siyasi g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fcz yok ikimizin de, yine de biraz cumhuriyet\u00e7i say\u0131l\u0131r\u0131z. Ama Winsdor, Hanoverian, ba\u015fka neydi, Hohenzollern\u2019lerle de ilgileniyoruz. Taz\u0131 ve at yar\u0131\u015flar\u0131 haberlerini \u00f6z\u00fcmsedikten sonra insana ait hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yabanc\u0131 de\u011fil bize. Hay\u0131r, yaln\u0131z ba\u015f\u0131ma, \u00e7ok daha iyi olaca\u011f\u0131m yaln\u0131z ba\u015f\u0131ma, daha h\u0131zl\u0131 gidecek. Yiyecek bir \u015feyler veriyordu bana, bir domuz kasab\u0131yla arkada\u015ft\u0131, can\u0131m bo\u011faz\u0131mdan geliyordu salamlar\u0131 a\u011fz\u0131ma t\u0131karken. Avuntu veren s\u00f6zleriyle, kansere yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00f6ndermelerle, \u00f6l\u00fcms\u00fcz sarho\u015fluklar\u0131 an\u0131msat\u0131\u015flar\u0131yla mezar\u0131na bir ta\u015f dikemememin \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc unutturmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu bana. Bense, kendi ufuklar\u0131mda yo\u011funla\u015faca\u011f\u0131ma (onlar\u0131 bir kamyonun alt\u0131na f\u0131rlatmama olanak verirdi bu), usumu onun anlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015feylerle me\u015fgul edip duruyordum. Haydi, silah arkada\u015f\u0131m, b\u0131rak t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131, art\u0131k d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnme, demem gerekiyordu ona, ama d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnme yetisini yitiren karde\u015flik duygusunun al\u0131kla\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 ben olmu\u015ftum. Bir de yapmam zorunlu olan \u015feyler vard\u0131! Spora g\u00f6n\u00fcl verenlerin meyhaneler a\u00e7\u0131lmadan \u00f6nce, g\u00fcn\u00fcn erken saatinde, bahislerini sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 bir bi\u00e7imde oynayabilmek i\u00e7in topluluklar olu\u015fturdu\u011fu Duggan\u2019\u0131n d\u00fckkan\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde sabah\u0131n onunda g\u00fcne\u015f de a\u00e7sa, dolu da ya\u011fsa gitmem gereken bulu\u015fmalar \u00f6rne\u011fin. Bak\u0131n, \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fck, zaman\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 doldurmu\u015ftuk (ne g\u00fczel, ne g\u00fczel) ama nas\u0131l da dakiktik, belirtmeliyim bunu. Vincent\u2019\u0131n kal\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n, sicim gibi ya\u011fan bir ya\u011fmurda, omuzlar\u0131n\u0131 istemeyerek de olsa (yasak kelime kulland\u0131n\u0131z)bir denizci gibi ne\u015feyle iki yana sallaya sallaya, kafas\u0131 kan lekeli kirli bezlerle sar\u0131l\u0131, g\u00f6zlerinde bir par\u0131lt\u0131yla geli\u015fini g\u00f6rmek, iyi bir g\u00f6zlemci i\u00e7in insan\u0131n zevk u\u011fruna neler yapabilece\u011fini g\u00f6steren m\u00fckemmel bir \u00f6rnekti. Sanki h\u0131zl\u0131 bir denizci dans\u0131na ba\u015flayacakm\u0131\u015f gibi bir eliyle g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcs kemi\u011fini, \u00f6tekinin \u00fcst\u00fcyle omurgas\u0131n\u0131 tutuyordu, hay\u0131r, yaln\u0131zca an\u0131 bunlar, tufandan \u00f6nceki son ka\u00e7amaklar. Hi\u00e7 kimsenin bulunmad\u0131\u011f\u0131, hi\u00e7bir \u015feyin olup bitmedi\u011fi burada neler olup bitiyor bir bakal\u0131m \u015fimdi, bir \u015feyler olmas\u0131n\u0131, birinin gelmesini sa\u011flayal\u0131m, sonra bir son verelim buna, sessizlik olsun, sessizli\u011fin benim ya\u015fam ve \u00f6l\u00fcmlerimin seslerinden ba\u015fka bir g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fcn\u00fcn i\u00e7ine do\u011fru yol alal\u0131m, \u00f6yk\u00fcm\u00fcn i\u00e7ine girelim, \u00e7\u0131kmak i\u00e7in girelim, hay\u0131r, hi\u00e7bir anlam ta\u015f\u0131m\u0131yor bu s\u00f6ylediklerim. Sonunda benim diyebilece\u011fim, kendime lay\u0131k zehirler haz\u0131rlayabilece\u011fim bir kafaya, ve yollara d\u00fc\u015fmek i\u00e7in bacaklara sahip olacak m\u0131y\u0131m, oraya ula\u015faca\u011f\u0131m sonunda, gidebilece\u011fim sonunda, t\u00fcm istedi\u011fim bu i\u015fte, hay\u0131r, elimden gelmiyor bir \u015fey istemek. Yaln\u0131zca bir kafa, iki de bacak, hay\u0131r, ortada bir bacak, z\u0131playa z\u0131playa giderdim. Ya da yaln\u0131zca yusyuvarlak ve d\u00fcmd\u00fcz kafa yeterli olurdu, y\u00fcz \u00e7izgilerine gerek yoktu, ar\u0131 gibi bir usa indirgenip, yoku\u015flar\u0131n e\u011filimlerine uyarak yuvarlan\u0131p giderdim, hay\u0131r, bu da olmayacak, her \u015fey y\u00fckselti halinde burada, bacak ya da e\u015fde\u011ferde bir \u015fey gerekiyor burada, kas\u0131l\u0131p b\u00fcz\u00fclebilen birka\u00e7 halka \u00f6rne\u011fin, b\u00f6ylece uza\u011fa gidilebilirdi. Duggan\u2019\u0131n d\u00fckkan\u0131n\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131ndan, ya\u011fmurlu ve g\u00fcne\u015fli bir bahar g\u00fcn\u00fc, ak\u015fama \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p \u00e7\u0131kmayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmeden yola koyulmak, bir terslik mi var burada? \u00c7ok kolay olurdu. Kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n, \u00e7emberlerin ve balonlar\u0131n aras\u0131nda, bu beden ya da ba\u015fka bir bedende, dost bir kolun tuttu\u011fu bu kolda, kolsuz, elsiz ve bu titreyen ruhlar\u0131n i\u00e7inde ruhsuz bu elde g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fc sakl\u0131 olmak, ne terslik var burada? Bilmiyorum, buraday\u0131m ben, t\u00fcm bildi\u011fim bu, ve hala ben de\u011filim o, i\u015fte d\u00fczenlemenin burada yap\u0131lmas\u0131 gerekiyor. G\u00f6ze g\u00f6r\u00fcnen bir beden yok, \u00f6lmenin olana\u011f\u0131 da. B\u0131rak t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131, t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131 s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerinin hangi anlama geldi\u011fini hi\u00e7 bilmeden, b\u0131rakmak istemek t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131, \u00e7abuk s\u00f6yledik, \u00e7abuk bitirdik, bo\u015funa oldu, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey k\u0131m\u0131ldamad\u0131 yerinden, kimse konu\u015fmad\u0131. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey olmayacak burada, hi\u00e7 kimse gelmeyecek buraya uzun s\u00fcre. Gidi\u015fler, \u00f6yk\u00fcler, yar\u0131n hi\u00e7 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fclmedi. Ve sesler (nereden gelirse gelsinler) bir ya\u015famdan yoksun.<\/p>\n<p>*******<\/p>\n<p>Aniden, hay\u0131r, sonunda, en sonunda, katlanamad\u0131m daha fazla, s\u00fcrd\u00fcremedim. Burada kalamazs\u0131n\u0131z, dedi biri. Orada kalamazd\u0131m ama s\u00fcrd\u00fcremezdim de. Ye\u0131i betimleyece\u011fim, \u00f6nemi yok bunun. D\u00fcmd\u00fcz doru\u011fu, bir da\u011f\u0131n, hay\u0131r, bir tepenin, ama \u00e7ok vah\u015fi, \u00e7ok vah\u015fi, kes yeter. Batakl\u0131k, diz boyu fundal\u0131k, g\u00f6ze \u00e7arpmayan patikalar, ya\u011fmurlar\u0131n a\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131 derin yar\u0131klar. \u0130\u015fte bunlardan birinde uzann\u0131\u0131\u015f yat\u0131yordum r\u00fczg\u00e2rdan korunarak. Manzara g\u00f6zal\u0131c\u0131yd\u0131, bir de \u015fu her \u015feyi, vadileri, g\u00f6lleri, ovay\u0131, denizi g\u00f6lgeleyen sis olmasayd\u0131. Nas\u0131l s\u00fcrd\u00fcrecektim, ba\u015flamamam gerekiyordu, hay\u0131r, ba\u015flamam gerekiyordu. Neden geldiniz, dedi biri, belki ayn\u0131 ki\u015fiydi. S\u0131cak ve kuru yuvamda kalabilirdim ama kalamam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Evimi betimleyece\u011fim size, hay\u0131r, yapamam bunu. \u00c7ok kolay do\u011frusu, art\u0131k katlanam\u0131yorum, insan b\u00f6yle s\u00f6yl\u00fcyor i\u015fte. Bedenime, Haydi aya\u011fa kalk, diyorum, harcad\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00e7abay\u0131 hissediyorum, yolun ortas\u0131nda y\u0131\u011f\u0131l\u0131p kalan ve kalkmaya \u00e7abalayan, \u00e7abalamay\u0131 s\u00fcrd\u00fcren, ba\u015faramay\u0131nca da \u00e7abalamaktan vazge\u00e7en ya\u015fl\u0131 bir beygire benzetiyorum onu. K\u00e2faya, Onu rahat b\u0131rak, rahat dur, diyorum, soluk al\u0131p veri\u015fi duruyor, sonra eskisinden daha k\u00f6t\u00fc bi\u00e7imde ba\u015fl\u0131yor yeniden. T\u00fcm bu hik\u00e2yelerden uzaktay\u0131m, hi\u00e7 kafam\u0131 kurcalamamam gerekirdi onlarla, hi\u00e7bir \u015feye gereksinme duymuyorum, ne daha \u00e7ok ilerlemeye, ne de bulundu\u011fum yerde kalmaya, ger\u00e7ekten de umursam\u0131yorum t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131, uzakla\u015fmal\u0131yd\u0131m onlardan, bedenimden de, kafamdan da, kendi aralar\u0131nda uzla\u015fmalar\u0131 i\u00e7in, son bulmalar\u0131 i\u00e7in b\u0131raksayd\u0131m onlar\u0131, yapam\u0131yorum, benim son bulmam gerekiyor. Ya evet, sanki birden \u00e7ok ki\u015fiyiz biz, hepimiz sa\u011f\u0131r\u0131z, sa\u011f\u0131r bile de\u011filiz, ya\u015fam getirmi\u015f bizi bir araya. Bir ba\u015fkas\u0131, ya da ayn\u0131s\u0131, ya da ilki, Evinizde kalman\u0131z gerekirdi, diyor, t\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fcn de ayn\u0131 sesi, ayn\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceleri var. Evimde. Evime d\u00f6nmemi istiyorlar. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m yere. Sis olmasa, keskin g\u00f6zlerle, bir d\u00fcrb\u00fcnle, g\u00f6rebilirdim buradan. Yaln\u0131zca yorgunluk de\u011fil nedeni, yorgun de\u011filim yaln\u0131zca, t\u0131rman\u0131\u015fa kar\u015f\u0131n. Burada kalmak istemem gibi de bir nedenim yok. \u0130\u015fitmi\u015ftim, manzaradan s\u00f6z edildi\u011fini i\u015fitmi\u015f olmal\u0131yd\u0131m, uzaktaki deniz sanki kur\u015fun d\u00f6k\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f gibiydi, alt\u0131n ovalar dillerden d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcyordu, \u00e7ifte vadiler, buzul g\u00f6lleri, dumanlara b\u00fcr\u00fcnen kent, hepsi yediden yetmi\u015fe a\u011f\u0131zlardayd\u0131. Asl\u0131nda kim bu insanlar? Ard\u0131mdan m\u0131 geldiler buraya kadar, \u00f6n\u00fcmde miydiler, birlikte miydik yoksa? Y\u00fczy\u0131llar\u0131n, k\u00f6t\u00fc haval\u0131 y\u00fczy\u0131llar\u0131n kazd\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00e7ukurun dibindeyim, yava\u015f yava\u015f emilen sar\u0131 bulan\u0131k bir suyun \u00fczerinde birikti\u011fi kara topra\u011fa uzanm\u0131\u015f\u0131m y\u00fcz\u00fcst\u00fc. Yukar\u0131da duruyorlar, \u00e7evrelemi\u015fler beni, mezara koyulmu\u015fum sanki. Bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 kald\u0131ram\u0131yorum onlara, ne yaz\u0131k, y\u00fczlerini g\u00f6remezdim, fundal\u0131klara g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fc bacaklar\u0131m belki. G\u00f6r\u00fcyorlar m\u0131 beni, neremi g\u00f6r\u00fcyorlar? Belki kimse kalmad\u0131 geride, belki usand\u0131 ve gitti t\u00fcm\u00fc de. Kulak veriyorum, i\u015fitti\u011fim hep ayn\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceler, her zamankiler demek istiyorum, tuhaf \u015fey. Lime lime g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcnden g\u00fcne\u015fin t\u00fcm vadide p\u0131r\u0131l p\u0131r\u0131l parlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek. Ne kadar s\u00fcredir buraday\u0131m, ne bi\u00e7im soru bu, defalarca sordum kendime. Defalarca da verdim yan\u0131t\u0131n\u0131, Bir saat, bir ay, bir y\u0131l, y\u00fcz y\u0131l, diye, buras\u0131, ben ve olmak kavramlar\u0131ndan anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131ma g\u00f6re de\u011fi\u015fiyordu, ola\u011fan\u00fcst\u00fc yan\u0131tlar da aram\u0131yordum orada, pek de\u011fi\u015fmiyordum orada, biraz de\u011fi\u015fiyor g\u00f6z\u00fcken buras\u0131 yaln\u0131zca. Geleli \u00e7ok zaman ge\u00e7medi, yoksa dayanamazd\u0131m, diyordum ya da. Kervan\u00e7ulluklar\u0131n\u0131 duyuyorum, g\u00fcn bitimini imliyor bu, gecenin olu\u015funu, kervan\u00e7ulluklar\u0131 b\u00f6yle \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc, b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcn suskun kal\u0131p, karanl\u0131k basarken ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yorlar, bu yaban\u0131l ve benimle kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131r\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131nda k\u0131sa \u00f6m\u00fcrl\u00fc yarat\u0131klar b\u00f6yle i\u015fte. \u00c7ok iyi bildi\u011fim \u015fu yan\u0131tlanamayan \u00f6teki soru, Neden geldiniz, sorusuna da, De\u011fi\u015fmek i\u00e7in, ya da, Ben de\u011filim, ya da, Rastlant\u0131yla, ya da G\u00fcne\u015fli uzun y\u0131llar g\u00f6rmek i\u00e7in, ya da, Yazg\u0131, diye yan\u0131t veriyordum, duyumsuyorum geldi\u011fini ba\u015fka bir sorunun, gelsin, haz\u0131rl\u0131ks\u0131z yakalanmayaca\u011f\u0131m nas\u0131lsa. Her yan\u0131m\u0131 g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fc sarm\u0131\u015f, a\u011fz\u0131na kadar dolu batakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n emip duru\u015fu s\u00fcrekli, dalgalanan dev e\u011freltiotlar\u0131, dingin u\u00e7urumlar bar\u0131nd\u0131ran fundal\u0131klarda bo\u011fulan r\u00fczg\u00e2r; ya\u015fam\u0131m ve bildik nakaratlar\u0131. G\u00f6rmek i\u00e7in, de\u011fi\u015fmek i\u00e7in, hay\u0131r, g\u00f6recek bir \u015fey kalmad\u0131, g\u00f6zlerim k\u0131zarana kadar, g\u00f6rd\u00fcm her \u015feyi, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckten ka\u00e7ma olana\u011f\u0131 da kalmad\u0131, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck yap\u0131ld\u0131, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck yap\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bir g\u00fcn, kendi yoluna gidecek olan, kendi yoluna gitmelerine izin verdi\u011fim ve beni buraya s\u00fcr\u00fckleyen ayaklar\u0131m beni d\u0131\u015far\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fckledi\u011fi g\u00fcn yap\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, i\u015fte bunun i\u00e7in geldim. Yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015fey, \u00e7ok \u00f6nemli olan \u015fey, soluk al\u0131p verip, dumandanm\u0131\u015f izlenimi veren s\u00f6zc\u00fckleri yinelemek kendime, Gidemem, kalamam, ne olacak \u015fimdi. Ya duyumsal olarak? Tanr\u0131m, yak\u0131nmaya hakk\u0131m yok, evet o ta kendisi, yaln\u0131zca kar alt\u0131na g\u00f6m\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f gibi bo\u011fuk \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor sesi, s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 biraz yitirmi\u015f gibi, uykusunu biraz yitirmi\u015f gibi, iyice ,izleyebiliyorum onlar\u0131, t\u00fcm sesleri, t\u00fcm b\u00f6l\u00fcmleri, olduk\u00e7a iyi izleyebiliyorum, so\u011fuk sar\u0131yor her yan\u0131m\u0131, \u0131slakl\u0131k da, en az\u0131ndan ben \u00f6yle san\u0131yorum, uzaktay\u0131m. Romatizmama gelince, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcyorum art\u0131k onu, annem sa\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda romatizma \u00e7ekerken nas\u0131l bu ac\u0131 vermediyse bana; \u015fimdi benimki de vermiyor. Akbabay\u0131 an\u0131msatan bu yaban\u0131l y\u00fczdeki diren\u00e7li ve sabit bak\u0131\u015flar, akbabalar\u0131n g\u00fcn\u00fc belki de bug\u00fcn. Yukar\u0131day\u0131m ben, a\u015fa\u011f\u0131day\u0131m da ayn\u0131 zamanda, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131m \u00fczerimde, yere uzanm\u0131\u015f\u0131m, g\u00f6zlerim yumulu, kula\u011f\u0131m emip duran batakl\u0131\u011fa yap\u0131\u015f\u0131k, ayn\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncedeyiz, hepimiz ayn\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncedeyiz, eskiden de \u00f6yleydi, hep \u00f6yleydi, seviyoruz birbirimizi, ac\u0131yoruz birbirimize, ama bir de \u015fu var, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey gelmiyor elimizden birbirimiz i\u00e7in. En az\u0131ndan bir \u015fey kesinlik kazanm\u0131\u015f durumda, bir saat i\u00e7inde her \u015fey i\u00e7in \u00e7ok ge\u00e7 olacak, yar\u0131m saat i\u00e7inde, gece olacak, ama hen\u00fcz olmad\u0131, kesin de\u011fil bu, kesin olmayan ne, salt\u0131k bir kesinlik bu, g\u00fcn\u00fcn izin verdi\u011fini gecenin engellemesi yani, bununla u\u011fra\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 bilenlere, bununla u\u011fra\u015fmak isteyenlere, yeterince g\u00fcc\u00fc olanlara, yeniden denemek i\u00e7in g\u00fcc\u00fc olanlara. Evet, gece olacak, sis da\u011f\u0131lacak, t\u00fcm dalg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131ma kar\u015f\u0131n tan\u0131yorum sisimi, r\u00fczg\u00e2r sakinle\u015fecek ve gece g\u00f6\u011f\u00fc bana yolumda bir kez daha k\u0131lavuzluk eden B\u00fcy\u00fck ve K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck Ay\u0131 Tak\u0131my\u0131ld\u0131z\u0131 da i\u00e7inde olmak \u00fczere t\u00fcm \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131yla a\u00e7\u0131lacak da\u011f\u0131n \u00fczerinde, hadi bekleyelim geceyi. Her \u015fey kar\u0131\u015f\u0131yor birbirine, zamanlar, zaman kipleri kar\u0131\u015f\u0131yor birbirine, ba\u015flang\u0131\u00e7ta burada bulunuyordum yaln\u0131zca, \u015fu anda h\u00e2l\u00e2 buraday\u0131m, birazdan art\u0131k bulunmayaca\u011f\u0131m burada, yamac\u0131n ya da korunun s\u0131n\u0131r\u0131ndaki e\u011freltiotlar\u0131n\u0131n aras\u0131nda ter d\u00f6k\u00fcyor olaca\u011f\u0131m, kara\u00e7amlar, anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yorum, bir daha asla anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmayac\u00e2\u011f\u0131m, b\u00f6yle diyor insan, \u015fimdilik buraday\u0131m, hep buradayd\u0131m, hep burada olaca\u011f\u0131m, art\u0131k korkmuyorum b\u00fcy\u00fck s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerden, b\u00fcy\u00fck de\u011fil onlar. Geli\u015fimi an\u0131msam\u0131yorum, asla gidemeyece\u011fim buradan, bana e\u015flik eden k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck toplulu\u011fum, g\u00f6zlerim yumulu ve yana\u011f\u0131ma de\u011fen kara topra\u011f\u0131n nemini ve kat\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyumsuyorum, \u015fapkam d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, uza\u011fa d\u00fc\u015fmedi ya da r\u00fczg\u00e2r s\u00fcr\u00fckledi onu uza\u011fa, boynuma ba\u011flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m onu. Bazen deniz, bazen da\u011flard\u0131, \u00e7o\u011fu kez de ormand\u0131, kentti, ovayd\u0131 da, evet ovalarda da d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcp kalkt\u0131m, d\u00f6rt bir yanda a\u00e7l\u0131\u011f\u0131n, ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n eline, \u00f6l\u00fcme b\u0131rakt\u0131m kendimi, cinayete kurban gittim, bo\u011fuldum, sonra hi\u00e7 nedensiz can s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131ndan \u00f6ld\u00fcm, son solu\u011fumu verirken sanki yeni bir ya\u015fam ye\u015ferdi i\u00e7imde, canland\u0131m, sonra odalarda do\u011fal \u00f6l\u00fcmlerle y\u00fcz y\u00fcze geldim, yata\u011f\u0131ma uzan\u0131p, ev i\u00e7i tanr\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n gazab\u0131na u\u011frad\u0131m, hep ayn\u0131 \u00f6yk\u00fcleri, ayn\u0131 s\u00f6zleri, ayn\u0131 sorular\u0131, ayn\u0131 bilgisizli\u011fin s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131ndayd\u0131m, beddua d\u00f6k\u00fclmedi dudaklar\u0131mdan, o kadar da aptal de\u011fildim, ya da \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 da an\u0131msam\u0131yorum bunu. Evet, beni yat\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmas\u0131 i\u00e7in, bana e\u015flik etmesi i\u00e7in, sonuna kadar, hep f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131ylayd\u0131, kulaklar\u0131m\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131yordum iyice, eski \u00f6yk\u00fcler i\u00e7in kulaklar\u0131m\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131yordum iyice, aynen babam\u0131n beni dizlerine oturtup da, bir fener bek\u00e7isinin o\u011flu olan Joe Breem miydi, Breen miydi, birinin \u00f6yk\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc, t\u00fcm k\u0131\u015f boyunca, art arda her ak\u015fam okurken yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m gibi. Bir \u00f6yk\u00fcyd\u00fc, bir \u00e7ocuk \u00f6yk\u00fcs\u00fcyd\u00fc, her \u015fey f\u0131rt\u0131nada; bir kayan\u0131n \u00fczerinde olup bitiyordu, anne \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, mart\u0131lar gelip fenere \u00e7arp\u0131yorlard\u0131, Joe di\u015flerinin aras\u0131nda bir b\u0131\u00e7ak, denize atl\u0131yordu, yaln\u0131zca bunu an\u0131ms\u0131yorum, yapmas\u0131 gerekeni yap\u0131yor ve geri d\u00f6n\u00fcyordu, t\u00fcm an\u0131msad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu ak\u015fam, mutlu bir sonla bitiyordu, k\u00f6t\u00fc ba\u015fl\u0131yor, iyi bitiyordu, her ak\u015fam, bir oyundu bu, \u00e7ocuklar i\u00e7in. Evet, babamd\u0131m ben ve \u00e7ocu\u011fumdum, kendime sorular sordum, elimden geldi\u011fince yan\u0131tlad\u0131m bunlar\u0131, art arda her ak\u015fam anlatt\u0131rd\u0131m kendime, ezbere bildi\u011fim ama bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc inanamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu ayn\u0131 eski \u00f6yk\u00fcy\u00fc, ya da el ele, hi\u00e7 konu\u015fmadan, kendi d\u00fcnyalar\u0131m\u0131za g\u00f6m\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f, her birimiz kendi d\u00fcnyas\u0131na g\u00f6m\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f, eller birbirinin i\u00e7inde unutulmu\u015f y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fck. \u0130\u015fte \u015fu ana kadar b\u00f6yle dayanabildim. Bu ak\u015fam da i\u015fler yolunda g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyor, kollar\u0131m\u0131n aras\u0131nday\u0131m ben, kendimi kollar\u0131m\u0131n aras\u0131nda, b\u00fcy\u00fck bir sevgiyle olma sa da ba\u011fl\u0131l\u0131kla, evet ba\u011fl\u0131l\u0131kla tutuyorum: Uyu \u015fimdi, \u015fu uzaktaki lamban\u0131n alt\u0131ndaki gibi, birbirine sar\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, bu kadar \u00e7ok konu\u015fmaktan, bu kadar \u00e7ok dinlemekten, bu kadar \u00e7abalamaktan ve oynamaktan yorgun d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f.<\/p>\n<p>Samuel Beckett-Hi\u00e7 \u0130\u00e7in Metinler<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>B\u0131rak, b\u0131rak t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131 diyecektim. Kimin konu\u015ftu\u011funun ne \u00f6nemi var, biri kimin konu\u015ftu\u011funun ne \u00f6nemi var dedi. Biri kalk\u0131p gidecek, giden ben olaca\u011f\u0131m, ben olmayaca\u011f\u0131m o, ben burada olaca\u011f\u0131m, buradan uzaktay\u0131m diyece\u011fim, ben olmayaca\u011f\u0131m o, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemeyece\u011fim, bir \u00f6yk\u00fc anlat\u0131lacak, biri bir \u00f6yk\u00fc anlatmaya \u00e7abalayacak. Evet, yads\u0131m\u0131yorum art\u0131k, her \u015fey d\u00fczmece, hi\u00e7 kimse yok, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[138],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-4752","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-edebiyat-dunya"},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.9 (Yoast SEO v24.9) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Hi\u00e7 \u0130\u00e7in Metinler | Samuel Beckett - narteks.net<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2010\/11\/01\/hic-icin-metinler-samuel-beckett\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"tr_TR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hi\u00e7 \u0130\u00e7in Metinler | Samuel Beckett\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"B\u0131rak, b\u0131rak t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131 diyecektim. Kimin konu\u015ftu\u011funun ne \u00f6nemi var, biri kimin konu\u015ftu\u011funun ne \u00f6nemi var dedi. Biri kalk\u0131p gidecek, giden ben olaca\u011f\u0131m, ben olmayaca\u011f\u0131m o, ben burada olaca\u011f\u0131m, buradan uzaktay\u0131m diyece\u011fim, ben olmayaca\u011f\u0131m o, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemeyece\u011fim, bir \u00f6yk\u00fc anlat\u0131lacak, biri bir \u00f6yk\u00fc anlatmaya \u00e7abalayacak. 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