{"id":4777,"date":"2010-11-09T11:59:41","date_gmt":"2010-11-09T08:59:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2010\/11\/09\/uyandigimda-kendimi-annemin-koynunda-mi-bulacagim-eski-sevgi-eski-bahce-tezer-ozlu\/"},"modified":"2010-11-09T11:59:41","modified_gmt":"2010-11-09T08:59:41","slug":"uyandigimda-kendimi-annemin-koynunda-mi-bulacagim-eski-sevgi-eski-bahce-tezer-ozlu","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2010\/11\/09\/uyandigimda-kendimi-annemin-koynunda-mi-bulacagim-eski-sevgi-eski-bahce-tezer-ozlu\/","title":{"rendered":"Uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kendimi annemin koynunda m\u0131 bulaca\u011f\u0131m? | Eski Sevgi Eski Bah\u00e7e – Tezer \u00d6zl\u00fc"},"content":{"rendered":"

Bir s\u00fcre sonra kent ya\u015fam\u0131 ba\u015flayacak. T\u00fcm i\u015fyerleri \u00e7al\u0131\u015facak insanlarla dolacak. S\u00fcrekli \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan fabrikalarda i\u015f\u00e7iler vardiya de\u011fi\u015ftirecek. \u0130stasyonlarda trenler duracak. Trenler kalkacak. G\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcnde u\u00e7an u\u00e7aklar d\u00fcnyan\u0131n belirli havaalanlar\u0131na do\u011fru g\u00f6klerde yol alacak. Gemilere arabalar e\u015fyalar y\u00fcklenecek. \u0130stasyonlara yorgun yolcular inecek. Uykusuz gece ge\u00e7irenler yorgun kalkacak. Uzun uyuyanlar da yorgun kalkacak. Kimi mutlu kimi ac\u0131l\u0131 kimi sevgi ile ge\u00e7irdi\u011fi gecenin a\u015fk\u0131 ile uyanacak. Kimi bir intihar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnecek. Kimi \u00f6zlem duydu\u011fu bir kenti, \u00f6zlem duydu\u011fu bir insan\u0131.<\/p>\n

Ak\u015fam \u00e7ok uzun s\u00fcreden sonra gelmi\u015fti. Ayn\u0131 ak\u015fam\u0131n gecesi \u00e7ok derin, karanl\u0131k, ola\u011fan\u00fcst\u00fc karanl\u0131k oldu. Bir ara a\u011fa\u00e7lar alt\u0131nda y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fc hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum.Sonra suya atlad\u0131lar yan\u0131mdakiler. Belki ben bunun i\u00e7in d\u00f6nd\u00fcm eve. Bilmiyorum. Hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum. Evde her g\u00fcn \u00fczerinde oturdu\u011fum bir koltuk var. Camdan d\u00fczensiz bir duvar, bir ayva a\u011fac\u0131, toprak birikintileri ve kurumu\u015f otlara bak\u0131yorum. Gece bile olsa g\u00f6r\u00fcr gibiyimonlar\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu evi ve bah\u00e7esini \u00e7ok iyi tan\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u0130\u00e7eri girdi\u011fimde kapkaranl\u0131k her yan. G\u00f6zlerim al\u0131\u015fs\u0131n diye sokak kap\u0131s\u0131na dayan\u0131p bekliyorum. Al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yor g\u00f6zlerim. Hi\u00e7 bir \u015feyi se\u00e7mek imkans\u0131z. Her \u015fey imkans\u0131z. Ellerimle e\u015fyalar\u0131 bulmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

Yok hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey.<\/p>\n

Birden salonda bir mum parl\u0131yor. Ve hi\u00e7 bir ayd\u0131nl\u0131k vermiyor bu mum. Salona do\u011fru bir ad\u0131m at\u0131yorum. Ve kafam\u0131 \u00e7evirdi\u011fim her yanda \u0131\u015f\u0131k vermeyen, parlak mumlar\u0131n ufak alevlerini g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum. Yer birden sallanmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yor. Mumlar, ev, ben sallanarak d\u00f6n\u00fcyoruz. Bu sallant\u0131 aras\u0131nda birden bir fare beliriyor. Ben \u00e7ok korkar\u0131m farelerden. \u00c7ocuklu\u011fumdan beri. (Birden bu geliyor akl\u0131ma.) Fare kafas\u0131n\u0131 kald\u0131rm\u0131\u015f hareketsiz s\u0131\u00e7ramakta. Kafas\u0131n\u0131n iki yan\u0131nda siyah g\u00f6zleri var. (Birden bunun eskiden, \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumda g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f oldu\u011fum farelerden \u00e7ok ba\u015fka oldu\u011fu ge\u00e7iyor akl\u0131mdan.) Bu grilikte, kafas\u0131ndan b\u00fcy\u00fck g\u00f6zl\u00fc fare g\u00f6rmemi\u015ftim hi\u00e7.<\/p>\n

Ve ben bunu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrken g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc oynatt\u0131\u011f\u0131m her yer farelerle doluyor. Say\u0131s\u0131z yanan mumlar ve her yanda say\u0131s\u0131z siyah g\u00f6zl\u00fc gri fareler. Ve ben bunlar\u0131n aras\u0131nda sallanarak\u00a0 d\u00f6nmekteyim. \u00c7ok korkuyorum. Arkamda bir kap\u0131 oldu\u011funu hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Hemen geri d\u00f6n\u00fcyorum. A\u00e7\u0131p kap\u0131y\u0131 soka\u011fa \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131m. Tam o anda kap\u0131n\u0131n ortas\u0131nda durmakta olan, g\u00f6r\u00fclmemi\u015f irilikte, benim ba\u015f\u0131m kadar b\u00fcy\u00fckl\u00fckte kara g\u00f6zl\u00fc bir fare, g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcme s\u0131\u00e7ramaz m\u0131? \u00dcstelik pen\u00e7elerini ge\u00e7iriyor g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcme ve ben onu \u00e7\u00f6zmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a, o daha derin g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fcyor i\u00e7ime.<\/p>\n

Ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yordum. \u0130ki elim de g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcmdeydi. Sanki bir \u015feyi s\u00f6k\u00fcp atmak istiyordum g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcmden. G\u00fcn yeni yeni do\u011fmaktayd\u0131. Yeniden uyumaktan korktum. Ta\u015fradaki evimiz bir yoku\u015fun \u00fczerindeydi. Alabildi\u011fine b\u00fcy\u00fck bir hol\u00fcn her d\u00f6rt k\u00f6\u015fesinde gene \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck odalar vard\u0131. Biz k\u0131\u015f aylar\u0131nda bu odalardan birine \u00e7ekilirdik. Ancak oras\u0131 \u0131s\u0131n\u0131rd\u0131. Ama uykum gelince, annem beni, k\u0131\u015f\u0131n i\u00e7inde ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bu odan\u0131n tam kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131ndaki odaya g\u00f6nderirdi. S\u0131cak ve havas\u0131z odadan \u00e7\u0131k\u0131nca, so\u011fuk, korkutucu, karanl\u0131k bir b\u00fcy\u00fckl\u00fckte gelirdi hol bana.<\/p>\n

Kar\u015f\u0131 odaya girer girmez, yata\u011f\u0131n alt\u0131na bakar, sonra i\u00e7ine girer, yorgan\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7ekip g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fcrd\u00fcm. \u0130\u015fte o zaman korkmaya, terlemeye ba\u015flard\u0131m. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum. Oysa o b\u00fcy\u00fck evini\u00e7inde herbirimizin uykular\u0131n\u0131n ne b\u00fcy\u00fck bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131kta ge\u00e7ti\u011fini biliyorum. Ninem \u00f6l\u00fcm d\u00f6\u015fe\u011finde uzun s\u00fcre yatt\u0131. Yata\u011f\u0131 benimkinin tam kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131ndayd\u0131. Ben b\u00fcy\u00fcyordum. O \u00f6l\u00fcyordu. O zamanlar, yat\u0131nca, onun ne zaman \u00f6lece\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Do\u011frusu istiyordum \u00f6lmesini. \u00d6lmesi gerekiyordu. Eriyordu \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bedeni. Ufalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Derileri kemiklerinden sark\u0131yordu. Sabahlar\u0131 uyan\u0131r uyanmaz onun koynuna girerdim. San\u0131r\u0131m bu, onun \u00f6l\u00fcm hastal\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan daha evveldi. \u00c7oktan uyanm\u0131\u015f ve yuvarlak g\u00f6zl\u00fcklerini takm\u0131\u015f bulurdum onu. G\u00f6zl\u00fcklerinin alt\u0131ndan iki yana\u011fa ya\u015flar s\u0131zard\u0131.<\/p>\n

A\u011fl\u0131yor musun? derdim.Hay\u0131r, g\u00f6zlerim sulan\u0131yor, derdi. Ama onlar g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131na \u00e7ok al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f da, ondan, derdim. Bu b\u00fcy\u00fck evde, sabah insan\u0131n a\u011flatabilece\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm. Ve gece yatmadan \u00f6nceki korku. Bir g\u00fcn hol\u00fcn karanl\u0131k bir girintisinde olan mutfa\u011fa girdi\u011fimde, (daha kap\u0131dayken) ninemi karn\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7m\u0131\u015f, karn\u0131na bir b\u0131\u00e7ak dayam\u0131\u015f, -beklerken- g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Ben de kap\u0131 e\u015fi\u011finde bekledim bir s\u00fcre. O ise hareketsiz durmaktayd\u0131. Eli bile titremiyordu. Hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey yapm\u0131yordu. Ben de bir \u015fey yapm\u0131yordum. Beni g\u00f6rm\u00fcyordu. Ben onu g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum.<\/p>\n

Mutfa\u011fa ben ni\u00e7in gelmi\u015ftim? Unuttum. Sonra yan\u0131na gittim. Nap\u0131yorsun? dedim. Kendimi \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcyorum, dedi.<\/p>\n

Hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey anlamad\u0131m. B\u0131\u00e7a\u011f\u0131 elinden al\u0131p, almad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum. Ama o \u00f6ld\u00fcrmedi kendini. Bunu biliyorum. Bir g\u00fcn gene evden ka\u00e7m\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Bu daha \u00f6nce oturdu\u011fumuz kentten yazlar\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yayladayd\u0131. Orada bir g\u00f6l ve evimizin \u00f6n\u00fcnde bir elma bah\u00e7esi vard\u0131. B\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcn a\u011fa\u00e7lara \u00e7\u0131kar, elma yerdik. Ak\u015famlar\u0131 da annem \u00f6n\u00fcne bir sepet al\u0131r, elmalar\u0131 teker teker yedirirdi. Hepimiz elmadan usanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Orada ninem evden ka\u00e7t\u0131. Onu aramaya \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131k. Ben yaln\u0131z \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Ve onu uzakta, b\u00fcy\u00fck at kestanesi a\u011fac\u0131n\u0131n yak\u0131n\u0131nda bir \u00e7ukurda buldum. Ba\u015f\u0131na e\u015farb\u0131n\u0131 ba\u011flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Yuvarlak g\u00f6zl\u00fckleri g\u00f6z\u00fcndeydi. Bana bak\u0131yor, beni g\u00f6rm\u00fcyor. Benimle konu\u015fmuyordu. \u0130ncecik y\u00fcz\u00fc sararm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Korkarak yan\u0131na sokuldum. Hay\u0131r korkmad\u0131m. Onu buldu\u011fuma sevindim. Ger\u00e7ekten bulamayaca\u011f\u0131m yerlere gitti sanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00c7ukurda b\u00f6yle duru\u015fu \u015fa\u015f\u0131rtt\u0131 beni. Ni\u00e7in \u00e7ukura girdin? dedim.<\/p>\n

Kendimi kaybedece\u011fim, taa \u015fu da\u011flar\u0131n ard\u0131na gidece\u011fim, derken, bana gerideki Bozda\u011flar\u0131 g\u00f6sterdi. Kendini da\u011flarda dola\u015farak kaybetmenin ne oldu\u011funu hi\u00e7 anlamad\u0131m. Eve birlikte d\u00f6n\u00fcp d\u00f6nmedi\u011fimizi hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum. Ama onun \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc \u00e7ok iyi biliyorum. Yat\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z hastanede onu ameliyat etmek istediler. Buna kar\u015f\u0131 diretti. (Kimden duydum bunu? O zamanlar \u00e7ok k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in, almazlard\u0131 beni hastaneye.) O \u00f6ld\u00fc. Hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey anlamad\u0131m onun \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcnden. Korkmad\u0131m da. Yaln\u0131z bir evin y\u00fcksek kat\u0131ndan caddeye bakarken, a\u015fa\u011f\u0131da giden cenaze arabas\u0131nda onun g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc biliyordum. Bir kad\u0131n beni oyuncaklarla oynamaya zorluyordu. Sanki \u015fimdi bir ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcnden bir \u015fey anl\u0131yor muyum? Kendi \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcmden?<\/p>\n

Bir y\u0131l annemle yaln\u0131z kald\u0131k ta\u015frada. O zaman birlikte yat\u0131yorduk. Uzun s\u00fcre karlarla kapl\u0131 kal\u0131yordu kent. Ve biz o koca evde, birlikte uyudu\u011fumuz uykuda ne de\u011fin yaln\u0131zd\u0131k. \u00d6l\u00fcm\u00fcm\u00fc anlamadan b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fcm. Bir g\u00fcn y\u00fcksek bir evin balkonunda tek kolumla as\u0131l\u0131 kald\u0131m. V\u00fccudum caddeye sark\u0131yordu. Kalabal\u0131k ve bombo\u015ftu cadde. A\u015fa\u011f\u0131da ninemin cenaze arabas\u0131 gidiyordu. G\u00f6zlerimi a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya y\u00f6neltmekten korkuyordum. Tek elimle balkonun i\u00e7ine ge\u00e7mek i\u00e7in g\u00f6sterdi\u011fim her \u00e7aba, caddenin derinli\u011fine d\u00fc\u015fmem i\u00e7in bir tehlike oluyor. Ne i\u00e7eri girebiliyorum ne de caddeye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorum. Bu bir d\u00fc\u015f m\u00fc? Bo\u015flu\u011fa sallan\u0131rken bunun bir d\u00fc\u015f oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyor muyum? Bunun bir d\u00fc\u015f olup olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Oysa bu d\u00fc\u015ften uyan\u0131p uyanmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum.\u00a0 Bilmiyorum.Annemle birlikte yat\u0131yoruz. Sabaha kar\u015f\u0131 kap\u0131y\u0131 \u00e7alarak uyand\u0131r\u0131yorlar bizi. Okulun hademesi gelmi\u015f. A\u011flayarak kendisi ile gelmemizi istiyor bizden. Hen\u00fcz y\u00fcksek karlar aras\u0131ndan ge\u00e7memi\u015f kimse.<\/p>\n

Onlar \u00f6nden gidiyorlar.
Ben arkadan.
Kar onlar\u0131n dizlerine geliyor.
Benim omzuma.
O kad\u0131n nereye g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcyor bizi?
Eve d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fczde annem gene \u00fczg\u00fcn. Ve ben gene bir \u015fey anlam\u0131yorum. Annem benim camdan d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yor ve ben onun sesini duyarak d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum.
Uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kendimi annemin koynunda m\u0131 bulaca\u011f\u0131m?
Yoksa bamba\u015fka bir bo\u015flukta m\u0131?<\/p>\n

1966<\/p>\n

Kaynak: Eski Sevgi,\u00a0 Eski Bah\u00e7e<\/p>\n

YKY<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bir s\u00fcre sonra kent ya\u015fam\u0131 ba\u015flayacak. T\u00fcm i\u015fyerleri \u00e7al\u0131\u015facak insanlarla dolacak. S\u00fcrekli \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan fabrikalarda i\u015f\u00e7iler vardiya de\u011fi\u015ftirecek. \u0130stasyonlarda trenler duracak. Trenler kalkacak. G\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcnde u\u00e7an u\u00e7aklar d\u00fcnyan\u0131n belirli havaalanlar\u0131na do\u011fru g\u00f6klerde yol alacak. Gemilere arabalar e\u015fyalar y\u00fcklenecek. \u0130stasyonlara yorgun yolcular inecek. Uykusuz gece ge\u00e7irenler yorgun kalkacak. Uzun uyuyanlar da yorgun kalkacak. Kimi mutlu kimi ac\u0131l\u0131 kimi […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-4777","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-turkiye-den-oykuler"},"yoast_head":"\nUyand\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kendimi annemin koynunda m\u0131 bulaca\u011f\u0131m? | Eski Sevgi Eski Bah\u00e7e - Tezer \u00d6zl\u00fc - narteks.net<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2010\/11\/09\/uyandigimda-kendimi-annemin-koynunda-mi-bulacagim-eski-sevgi-eski-bahce-tezer-ozlu\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"tr_TR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kendimi annemin koynunda m\u0131 bulaca\u011f\u0131m? | Eski Sevgi Eski Bah\u00e7e - Tezer \u00d6zl\u00fc\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Bir s\u00fcre sonra kent ya\u015fam\u0131 ba\u015flayacak. 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