{"id":5917,"date":"2011-04-15T13:05:49","date_gmt":"2011-04-15T10:05:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2011\/04\/15\/sinir-hastaligimin-yasam-oykusu-d-paul-schreber\/"},"modified":"2011-04-15T13:05:49","modified_gmt":"2011-04-15T10:05:49","slug":"sinir-hastaligimin-yasam-oykusu-d-paul-schreber","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2011\/04\/15\/sinir-hastaligimin-yasam-oykusu-d-paul-schreber\/","title":{"rendered":"Sinir Hastal\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n Ya\u015fam \u00d6yk\u00fcs\u00fc | D. Paul Schreber"},"content":{"rendered":"

1894 y\u0131l\u0131n\u0131n Mart ortalar\u0131ndan May\u0131s sonuna kadar bir s\u00fcre hayat\u0131m\u0131n en korkun\u00e7, en i\u011fren\u00e7 devresi oldu\u011funu rahat\u00e7a s\u00f6yleyebilirim. Ama yine de ya\u015fam\u0131m\u0131n “kutsal” zaman\u0131yd\u0131 ve bu zaman boyunca ruhum do\u011fa\u00fcst\u00fc \u015feyler taraf\u0131ndan esinleniyordu. Bunlar, d\u0131\u015f d\u00fcnyada g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm kaba muamelelere ra\u011fmen gittik\u00e7e artarak geliyorlard\u0131. Yine, bu d\u00f6nem i\u00e7inde i\u00e7im, Tanr\u0131 ve D\u00fcnyan\u0131n D\u00fczeni konusunda y\u00fcce d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerle doluyordu. Gen\u00e7li\u011fimden beri dinsel fanatizm e\u011filimlerim vard\u0131. Beni eski ya\u015fam\u0131mda yak\u0131ndan tan\u0131yanlar, sakin tabiatl\u0131, tutkusuz, mant\u0131kl\u0131 ve akl\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131nda biri oldu\u011fuma tan\u0131kl\u0131k edeceklerdir. Zekam, s\u0131n\u0131rs\u0131z bir hayal g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fcn yarat\u0131c\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan \u00e7ok, so\u011fukkanl\u0131 entellekt\u00fcel ele\u015ftiriye y\u00f6nelikti.<\/p>\n

Aras\u0131ra bir iki m\u0131sra yazmay\u0131 denemi\u015fsem de bana hi\u00e7 bir \u015fekilde ‘\u015fair’ denilemezdi. Bizim dinimizin \u00f6ng\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc \u015fekilde ger\u00e7ek bir dindar de\u011fildim (gen\u00e7li\u011fimde).<\/p>\n

Ama asla dini k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcmsemedim, daha \u00e7ok bu konuda konu\u015fmamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m. Ya\u015fl\u0131 ba\u015fl\u0131 insanlar, b\u00fcy\u00fck bir \u015fans eseri bir \u00e7ocuk safl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla dini inan\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 korumu\u015flarsa, onlar\u0131n mutlulu\u011funu bozmamak gerekir diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Fakat, kendi a\u00e7\u0131mdan gen\u00e7li\u011fimde do\u011fal bilimlerle \u00e7ok fazla u\u011fra\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m; \u00f6zellikle \u015fu s\u00f6z\u00fcm ona modern evrim teorisi \u00fczerine kurulmu\u015f olan \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmalar sonunda, t\u00fcm H\u0131ristiyan dini \u00f6\u011fretilerinden \u015f\u00fcphe etmeye ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Benim genel olarak izlenimim \u015fu olmu\u015ftu: Materyalizm dinsel konularda son s\u00f6z olamazd\u0131. Fakat Tanr\u0131’n\u0131n bir \u015fah\u0131s olarak varoldu\u011funa kesin olarak inanam\u0131yordum.<\/p>\n

Yukar\u0131da ‘Kutsal zaman’ diye isimlendirdi\u011fim devre hakk\u0131nda bu b\u00f6l\u00fcmde daha fazla detaylara inmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fman\u0131n do\u011furdu\u011fu zorluklar\u0131n fark\u0131nday\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Bu zorluklar k\u0131smen d\u0131\u015f, k\u0131smen de i\u00e7 kaynakl\u0131lar. \u00d6ncelikle, bu denememde tamam\u0131yla belle\u011fime g\u00fcvenmem gerekiyordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bahsetti\u011fim d\u00f6nemde not alabilmem olanaks\u0131zd\u0131. Zaten yaz\u0131 yazacak malzemem de yoktu, hem yazabilecek halde de\u011fildim.<\/p>\n

O zamanlar (do\u011fru mu yanl\u0131\u015f m\u0131 h\u00e2l\u00e2 karar veremedim ama), b\u00fct\u00fcn insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n yokoldu\u011funa inan\u0131yordum, \u00f6yleyse not tutman\u0131n bir yarar\u0131 yoktu. Ayr\u0131ca, bana gelen izlenimler do\u011fal olaylarla do\u011fa \u00fcst\u00fc kaynakl\u0131 olgular\u0131n \u00f6yle harika bir kar\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131ndan olu\u015fmu\u015flard\u0131 ki, salt d\u00fc\u015fsel g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcleri uyan\u0131kken ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m deneyimlerden ay\u0131rdedebilmek \u00e7ok zordu. Yani d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcklerim, ger\u00e7ekten ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131mdan ne kadar uzaktayd\u0131lar, bundan emin olamazd\u0131m. Bu sebeple, o zamana ait aralar\u0131m, hat\u0131rlad\u0131klar\u0131m bir \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcde kar\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131n, karma\u015fan\u0131n damgas\u0131n\u0131 ta\u015f\u0131maktad\u0131r ve bundan hi\u00e7 bir \u015fekilde ka\u00e7\u0131n\u0131lamaz.<\/p>\n

…<\/p>\n

Bundan \u00f6nceki b\u00f6l\u00fcmde, gittik\u00e7e artan sinirlili\u011fim ve dolay\u0131s\u0131yla \u00e7ekim g\u00fcc\u00fcme kap\u0131lan pek \u00e7ok eski ruhun bana geldi\u011finden bahsetmi\u015ftim. \u00d6zellikle ya\u015famlar\u0131 s\u0131ras\u0131nda benimle ki\u015fisel ili\u015fki kurmu\u015f olan ruhlar. Bu ruhlar bana do\u011fru gelip sonra ya ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde kayboluyor ya da v\u00fccuduma giriyorlard\u0131. Bu i\u015flem sonunda ruhlar\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde “k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck adamc\u0131klar” \u015feklinde insan bi\u00e7iminde k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck, belki de birka\u00e7 milimetre boyunda fig\u00fcrler k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre kal\u0131p sonra da tamamen yokolmalar\u0131yla tamamlan\u0131yordu…<\/p>\n

Bence, bu ruhlar\u0131n bana ilk yakla\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131nda h\u00e2l\u00e2 hat\u0131r\u0131 say\u0131l\u0131r derecede sinirleri vard\u0131 ve kendi benliklerini iyi tan\u0131yorlard\u0131. Bana her yakla\u015fmalar\u0131nda, benim \u00e7ekim g\u00fcc\u00fcm y\u00fcz\u00fcnden sinirlerinden bir par\u00e7a kaybediyorlard\u0131 ve sonunda hepsi yaln\u0131zca tek bir sinirden ibaret kal\u0131yor, daha fazla a\u00e7\u0131klanamayan esrarl\u0131 bir nedenle “k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck adamc\u0131k” \u015feklini al\u0131yorlard\u0131. B\u00f6ylece bu ruhlar tamamen yokolmadan \u00f6nce son bir varolu\u015f formuna giriyorlard\u0131.<\/p>\n

Bu olaylara ba\u011fl\u0131 olarak yakla\u015fan “d\u00fcnyan\u0131n sonu” kavram\u0131 geli\u015fmekteydi; bu Tanr\u0131yla benim aramdaki \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fclmez ba\u011f\u0131n bir sonucuydu. Her y\u00f6nden k\u00f6t\u00fc haberler geliyordu; \u015fu veya bu y\u0131ld\u0131z\u0131n feda edilmesi gerekti\u011fi, Ven\u00fcs’\u00fc sel bast\u0131\u011f\u0131, g\u00fcne\u015f sisteminin art\u0131k da\u011f\u0131laca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve b\u00fct\u00fcn y\u0131ld\u0131zlar\u0131n biraraya toplan\u0131p tek bir g\u00fcne\u015f haline getirilece\u011fini, belki yaln\u0131z \u00dclker y\u0131ld\u0131z tak\u0131m\u0131n\u0131n h\u00e2l\u00e2 kurtar\u0131labilece\u011fini, vs. vs…<\/p>\n

Geceleri bu g\u00f6r\u00fcleri ya\u015fad\u0131ktan sonra, g\u00fcnd\u00fczleri g\u00fcne\u015fin benim hareketlerimi izledi\u011fini, o zamanlar ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m tek pencereli odada benim hareketlerime g\u00f6re yer de\u011fi\u015ftirdi\u011fini farkedebildi\u011fimi zannediyordum.<\/p>\n

\u0130nsan hesab\u0131na g\u00f6re \u00fc\u00e7 d\u00f6rt ay s\u00fcrmesine ra\u011fmen bahis konusu s\u00fcre \u00e7ok uzun bir zaman dilimini kaps\u0131yordu. Sanki sadece geceler bile y\u00fczy\u0131llarca s\u00fcr\u00fcyordu, \u00f6ylesine uzun bir s\u00fcreydi ki, bu arada t\u00fcm insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n yap\u0131s\u0131nda de\u011fi\u015fiklikler oluyor, d\u00fcnya ve g\u00fcne\u015f sistemi de pek\u00e2l\u00e2 yenilenebiliyordu. Durmadan son on d\u00f6rt bin y\u0131ldan beri yap\u0131lanlar\u0131n kayboldu\u011fu belirtiliyordu. Bu s\u00fcre, d\u00fcnyada insanlar\u0131n da varoldu\u011fu d\u00f6nemi g\u00f6steriyordu yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak yaln\u0131zca iki y\u00fcz y\u0131l daha salt d\u00fcnya i\u00e7in ayr\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 yan\u0131lm\u0131yorsam tam olarak 212 rakam\u0131 s\u00f6ylenmi\u015fti. Flechsing’in t\u0131marhanesinde kal\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131n son devrelerinde bu s\u00fcrenin doldu\u011funa ve b\u00f6ylece de geride kalan tek insan o\u011flunun ben oldu\u011fuma inan\u0131yordum. Kendimden ba\u015fka g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm di\u011fer insan \u015fekilleri Profes\u00f6r Flechsig, baz\u0131 g\u00f6revliler, olduk\u00e7a tuhaf g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fl\u00fc hastalar hepsi yaln\u0131zca “ge\u00e7ici uyduruk adamlard\u0131”, bir mucize eseriydiler. Flechsig’in T\u0131marhanesinin t\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fcn veya belki de Leipzig \u015fehrinin bu mucize taraf\u0131ndan kaz\u0131l\u0131p g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcnde bir yerlere g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordum. Benimle konu\u015fan seslerin ima etti\u011fi b\u00fct\u00fcn bu ihtimaller benim de kafamda baz\u0131 sorular\u0131n belirmesine neden oluyordu. Bu sorulara do\u011fru cevaplar bulabilme \u015fans\u0131m yoktu. Yatak odam\u0131n penceresi geceleri kal\u0131n tahta panjurla kapat\u0131l\u0131yor ve gece g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6rmeme mani olunuyordu.<\/p>\n

Sadece gaz lambalar\u0131n\u0131n yanmakta olu\u015fu benim Flechsig’un T\u0131marhanesinin asl\u0131nda tamam\u0131yla tecrit edilmi\u015f oldu\u011funu mu, yoksa Leipzig \u015fehri ile ilgili bir ba\u011flant\u0131 kurman\u0131n gerekli oldu\u011funu mu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeme yol a\u00e7\u0131yordu. Ayr\u0131ca ancak genel olarak tan\u0131mlayabilece\u011fim baz\u0131 an\u0131lar\u0131ma g\u00f6re kendimin de bir s\u00fcre ikinci bir ya\u015fam\u0131, ak\u0131l y\u00f6n\u00fcnden daha basit bir \u015fekilde ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131ma inanm\u0131yordum. Bu \u00e7e\u015fit \u015feyler mucize yoluyla m\u0131 oluyordu yoksa sinirlerimin bir k\u0131sm\u0131yla beraber ikinci bir v\u00fccuda yerle\u015ftirilmem m\u00fcmk\u00fcn m\u00fcyd\u00fc? B\u00f6yle bir olas\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 kabullenmeme yetecek kadar \u015feyi hat\u0131rlayabiliyordum. Bu ikinci, daha a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 d\u00fczeydeki \u015fekildeyken akl\u0131m ve zek\u00e2 g\u00fcc\u00fcm daha d\u00fc\u015f\u00fck d\u00fczeyde idi ve bana bir ba\u015fka Paul Schreber’in oldu\u011fu, bu ki\u015finin zeka ve ak\u0131lca daha \u00fcst\u00fcn oldu\u011fu s\u00f6ylenmi\u015fti. Aile \u015feceremde benden \u00f6nce ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f olan ba\u015fka bir Daniel P. Schreber yoktu, bunu iyi biliyordum ve bu adam\u0131n benim b\u00fct\u00fcn sinirlerime ve duygular\u0131ma sahip oldu\u011funu hissediyordum. Demek ki bir g\u00fcn sessizce, bu ikinci \u015fekil i\u00e7inde \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p gitmi\u015ftim; hat\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kadar\u0131yla, t\u0131marhanede bildi\u011fim odalardan hi\u00e7 birine benzemeyen farkl\u0131 bir odada yat\u0131yordum ve ruhumun yava\u015f yava\u015f \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissediyordum, t\u00fcm\u00fcyle ac\u0131s\u0131z ve huzur dolu bir \u00f6l\u00fcmd\u00fc bu.<\/p>\n

Di\u011fer taraftan, bazen benimle sinirsel ili\u015fkide bulunan ruhlar belli bir say\u0131daki ba\u015flardan bahsediyorlard\u0131. Bende bulu\u015fan bu “ba\u015f”lar (yani tek bir kafatas\u0131 i\u00e7inde bir \u00e7ok bireyler vard\u0131) panik i\u00e7inde “Aman Tanr\u0131m bu bir\u00e7ok ba\u015f\u0131 olan bir insano\u011flu” diye \u00e7a\u011f\u0131r\u0131yorlard\u0131.<\/p>\n

Bunun di\u011fer insanlardan ne kadar ola\u011fan\u00fcst\u00fc g\u00f6r\u00fcnece\u011finin fark\u0131nday\u0131m, yaln\u0131zca haf\u0131zamda an\u0131 olarak kalm\u0131\u015f olan izlenimlerimi anlat\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

Daha \u00f6nce s\u00f6yledi\u011fim gibi, d\u00fcnyan\u0131n yokoldu\u011fu fikri ile ba\u011flant\u0131l\u0131 olarak ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00f6r\u00fcler k\u0131smen korkutucu ve i\u011fren\u00e7ti, k\u0131smen de onur verici ve inan\u0131lmaz derecede g\u00fczeldi. Bunlardan yaln\u0131zca birka\u00e7\u0131n\u0131 dile getirece\u011fim.<\/p>\n

Bir keresinde, sanki bir demiryolu arac\u0131 veya asans\u00f6re binmi\u015f d\u00fcnyan\u0131n derinliklerine do\u011fru gidiyordum ve insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n veya d\u00fcnyan\u0131n t\u00fcm tarihini sonundan ba\u015f\u0131na do\u011fru k\u0131saca ya\u015fam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00dcst taraflarda h\u00e2l\u00e2 yaprakl\u0131 a\u011fa\u00e7lar, ormanlar vard\u0131, daha a\u015fa\u011f\u0131larda gittik\u00e7e daha koyula\u015fan bir karanl\u0131k vard\u0131. K\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre i\u00e7in ara\u00e7tan \u00e7\u0131k\u0131nca Leipzig halk\u0131n\u0131n g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fc oldu\u011fu b\u00fcy\u00fck bir mezarl\u0131ktan ge\u00e7tim, y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcm ve bu arada kar\u0131m\u0131n mezar\u0131n\u0131 da g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Tekrar araca d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde yaln\u0131z 3 no’lu noktaya kadar ilerleyebildim. 1 no’lu nokta insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131n\u0131 i\u015faretliyordu, oraya kadar gitmeye cesaret edemedim. D\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f yolunda, arkamdaki \u015faft \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fc, i\u00e7eride kalan “g\u00fcne\u015f\u00a0 il\u00e2h\u0131n\u0131” da tehlikeye atm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, iki \u015faft oldu\u011fu s\u00f6yleniyordu (belki de Tanr\u0131n\u0131n yarat\u0131klar\u0131ndaki d\u00fcalizme uyuyordu), ikinci \u015faft\u0131n da y\u0131k\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 haberini al\u0131nca, her \u015feyin kaybedildi\u011fine inanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k.<\/p>\n

Bir ba\u015fka zamanda, Ladoga G\u00f6l\u00fcnden Brezilya’ya kadar, d\u00fcnyay\u0131 bir g\u00f6revliyle beraber katetmi\u015ftim. Orada, Tanr\u0131’n\u0131n evrenini yakla\u015fan sar\u0131 sele kar\u015f\u0131 korumak i\u00e7in, kale gibi bir bina yapt\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Bununla bula\u015f\u0131c\u0131 frengi salg\u0131n\u0131 aras\u0131nda bir ba\u011flant\u0131 kurmu\u015ftum. Bir keresinde de, kendimi Tanr\u0131’n\u0131n y\u00fcce kat\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kart\u0131lm\u0131\u015f gibi hissettim, cennetin y\u00fcksekliklerinden d\u00fcnya sanki mavi bir kubbe gibi g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordu. Y\u00fcce bir ihti\u015fam ve g\u00fczellik tablosuydu bu ve bu tabloyu tan\u0131mlamak i\u00e7in “Tanr\u0131yla Bir Olmak G\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fc” gibi gelen baz\u0131 s\u00f6zc\u00fckler duydum.<\/p>\n

Ba\u015fka olaylar konusunda ise, bunlar\u0131n yaln\u0131zca g\u00f6r\u00fc m\u00fc yoksa birazc\u0131k da olsa ger\u00e7ekten ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015f m\u0131yd\u0131lar diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordum, \u015f\u00fcphelerim vard\u0131.<\/p>\n

Gece boyunca s\u0131k s\u0131k yatak odamda, \u00fczerime bir g\u00f6mlek alm\u0131\u015f (tabii b\u00fct\u00fcn giysilerim al\u0131nm\u0131\u015ft\u0131), yerde oturdu\u011fumu hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum; yata\u011f\u0131 bir \u00e7e\u015fit i\u00e7 g\u00fcd\u00fcyle terketmi\u015ftim. Arkamda yere s\u0131k\u0131ca bast\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m ellerim g\u00f6zle g\u00f6r\u00fcl\u00fcr \u015fekilde, ay\u0131ya benzer \u015fekiller taraf\u0131ndan kald\u0131r\u0131l\u0131yorlard\u0131 (kara ay\u0131lar); di\u011fer kara ay\u0131lar da k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckl\u00fc b\u00fcy\u00fckl\u00fc, parlak g\u00f6zleriyle etraf\u0131mda oturmu\u015flard\u0131. Yatak \u00e7ar\u015faflar\u0131m, “beyaz ay\u0131lar” \u015fekline girmi\u015flerdi. Kap\u0131n\u0131n deli\u011finden kiral\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n etraf\u0131nda oturan, ufak boylu sar\u0131 adamlar\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm, onlarla bir \u015fekilde sava\u015fmaya haz\u0131rlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Bazen, gecenin ge\u00e7 saatlerinde h\u00e2l\u00e2 uyan\u0131kken, t\u0131marhanenin bah\u00e7esindeki a\u011fa\u00e7larda parlak g\u00f6zl\u00fc kediler g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum. Bir ara da, denizde bir kalede oldu\u011fumuzu ve seller, su bask\u0131nlar\u0131 korkusuyla buray\u0131 terketmek zorunda oldu\u011fumuzu hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. \u00c7ok, \u00e7ok uzun bir zaman sonra buradan Flechsig’in t\u0131marhanesine d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015f ve kendimi ayn\u0131 durumda bulmu\u015ftum.<\/p>\n

Yatak odam\u0131n penceresinden, sabah\u0131n ilk saatlerinde panjurlar a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131nca, \u00e7o\u011funlukla hu\u015f a\u011fac\u0131 ve k\u00f6knarlardan olu\u015fan b\u00fcy\u00fck bir orman g\u00f6r\u00fcl\u00fcyordu. Sesler, onun “kutsal orman” oldu\u011funu s\u00f6ylediler. 1882’de a\u00e7\u0131lan ve yollar\u0131n iki yan\u0131nda s\u0131ralanm\u0131\u015f a\u011fa\u00e7lan, \u00dcniversite Sinir Hastal\u0131klar\u0131 Klini\u011fine hi\u00e7 benzemiyordu. B\u00f6yle bir orman, e\u011fer ger\u00e7ekten varsa, \u00fc\u00e7 d\u00f6rt ayda ortaya \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f olamazd\u0131<\/p>\n

Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n etraf\u0131nda, \u0131\u015f\u0131nlar\u0131n yo\u011funla\u015fmas\u0131yla olu\u015fan bir hale vard\u0131, \u0130sa’n\u0131n resimlerindeki gibi. Yaln\u0131z benimki ondan \u00e7ok daha zengin ve parlakt\u0131; “\u0131\u015f\u0131klar tac\u0131”. Bu \u0131\u015f\u0131klar tac\u0131n\u0131n yans\u0131mas\u0131 \u00f6yle g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fcyd\u00fc ki, bir g\u00fcn Profes\u00f6r Flechsig, asistan\u0131 Dr. Quentin’le beraber yata\u011f\u0131ma yakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, Dr. Quentin’i g\u00f6remez oldum; bir ba\u015fka g\u00fcn de ayn\u0131 \u015fey g\u00f6revli hastabak\u0131c\u0131 H. ile oldu.<\/p>\n

Uzun bir s\u00fcre, g\u00fcne\u015fe ba\u015fka bir g\u00f6rev verildi\u011fi i\u00e7in, benim Cassiopia’n\u0131n korumas\u0131 alt\u0131nda kalmam s\u00f6ylendi. Benim sinirlerimin \u00e7ekim g\u00fcc\u00fc her \u015feye ra\u011fmen o kadar g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fcyd\u00fc ki bu plan y\u00fcr\u00fct\u00fclemedi; g\u00fcne\u015fin benim bulundu\u011fum yerde kalmas\u0131 veya benim yeniden geri g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fclmem \u015fartt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Bu gibi izlenimlerden sonra, benim ger\u00e7ekten d\u00fcnyada m\u0131 yoksa ba\u015fka bir g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc cisminde mi oldu\u011fum sorunuyla uzun y\u0131llar u\u011fra\u015fmam\u0131 anlay\u0131\u015fla kar\u015f\u0131layacaks\u0131n\u0131z. 1895 y\u0131l\u0131nda bile h\u00e2l\u00e2 Mars’\u0131n bir uydusu olan Phobos’ta olmam m\u00fcmk\u00fcnd\u00fc. Buras\u0131, bir ba\u015fka zamanda, seslerin bana tan\u0131mlad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir yerdi.<\/p>\n

Ruhdilinde, bir b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc yazmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m s\u00fcre boyunca, bana “ruhlar\u0131n g\u00f6r\u00fcc\u00fcs\u00fc,” yani ruhlar\u0131 g\u00f6ren ve hem i\u00e7imizdeki ruhlarla hem de \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015flerin ruhlar\u0131yla ili\u015fki kuran adam, diyorlard\u0131. \u00d6zellikle Flechsig’in ruhu benden, “b\u00fct\u00fcn y\u00fczy\u0131llar\u0131n en b\u00fcy\u00fck ruh g\u00f6r\u00fcc\u00fcs\u00fc” diye bahsetmekteydi ki, bana sorars\u0131n\u0131z “y\u00fczy\u0131l de\u011fil “bin y\u0131llar\u0131n” demesi gerekiyordu. Asl\u0131nda d\u00fcnyan\u0131n do\u011fu\u015fundan bu yana benimki gibi bir olay g\u00f6r\u00fclmemi\u015ftir. Bir insano\u011flunun devaml\u0131 olarak yani hi\u00e7 kesintisiz b\u00fct\u00fcn ruhlarla ve Tann’n\u0131n her \u015feye g\u00fcc\u00fc yeten kendi y\u00fcce varl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla ili\u015fki kurmas\u0131 s\u0131k rastlan\u0131r bir \u015fey de\u011fildir. Birisinin mani olmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir ger\u00e7ektir. Sinirsel ili\u015fki veya ba\u011flant\u0131, \u0131\u015f\u0131nlar veya seslerin konu\u015fmalar\u0131yla sa\u011flan\u0131yordu ve bu s\u00fcreye ‘kutsal anlar’ deniliyordu. “Kutsal olmayan zamanlar” ise ili\u015fkinin kesildi\u011fi anlard\u0131.<\/p>\n

K\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre sonra,sinirlerimin o m\u00fcthi\u015f \u00e7ekim g\u00fcc\u00fc art\u0131k hi\u00e7bir kesinti veya duraklamaya meydan vermeyecekti. Art\u0131k bundan sonra yaln\u0131zca ‘kutsal anlar’ olacakt\u0131. Benden \u00f6nce daha d\u00fc\u015f\u00fck kaliteli ruh g\u00f6r\u00fcc\u00fcleri ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f olabilirler, incil’de ge\u00e7en olaylara kadar gidersek, Jan Dark, Kutsal Kupay\u0131 arayan Ha\u00e7l\u0131lar; vs. B\u00fct\u00fcn bu olgularda ge\u00e7ici olarak \u0131\u015f\u0131nlarla ileti\u015fim sa\u011flan\u0131yordu veya ge\u00e7ici bir ilah\u00ee esinleme oluyordu. Ayn\u0131 varsay\u0131m\u0131 baz\u0131 bakirelerin damgalanmas\u0131, \u00e7e\u015fitli insanlar\u0131n hayalet, cin, peri vs. konulardaki efsaneleri gibi \u00f6yk\u00fclerde bulabilirsiniz.<\/p>\n

Kraepelin’in “Psikiyatrinin Ders Kitab\u0131”na g\u00f6re, sinirleri \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcc\u00fc bir halde gerilen insanlarda, b\u00f6yle seslerle do\u011fa\u00fcst\u00fc ileti\u015fim kurma olaylar\u0131na s\u0131k s\u0131k rastlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00c7ok defa bu olgular\u0131n salt hal\u00fcsinasyon olabilece\u011finden hi\u00e7 ku\u015fkum yok. Benim fikrime g\u00f6re bilim, hal\u00fcsinasyonlar\u0131 bu olgularla kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmakla b\u00fcy\u00fck bir hataya d\u00fc\u015fecektir. Bu \u00e7e\u015fit durumlar belki de daha d\u00fc\u015f\u00fck kaliteli g\u00f6r\u00fcc\u00fclerinin eserleri de olabilir. Bunu s\u00f6ylemekle \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcc\u00fc \u015fiddette bir “asabi hipereksitasyonu” inkar etmiyorum, hatta bu y\u00fczden ortaya \u00e7\u0131kan \u00e7ekim g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00e7o\u011falmas\u0131, do\u011fa\u00fcst\u00fc g\u00fc\u00e7lerle ileti\u015fimi kolayla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yordu diyebilirim. ‘Benim’ salt hal\u00fcsinasyonlardan dolay\u0131 hastalanm\u0131\u015f olmam, psikolojik a\u00e7\u0131dan imkans\u0131z g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyor. Ne de olsa, Tanr\u0131’yla veya \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015flerin ruhlar\u0131yla ileti\u015fim kurmu\u015f olma hal\u00fcsinasyonu yaln\u0131z Tanr\u0131’ya ve ruhun \u00f6l\u00fcms\u00fczl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne inanan ki\u015filere aittir. Benim durumum b\u00f6yle de\u011fildi, bunu yaz\u0131n\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131nda belirtmi\u015ftim. Ruh \u00e7a\u011f\u0131ran medyumlar bile bir anlamda g\u00f6r\u00fcc\u00fc olarak kabul edilebilirdi. Bu nedenle bilimsel olmayan genelle\u015ftirmelerden ve bu konulara kar\u015f\u0131 kat\u0131 bir tutum tak\u0131nmaktan ka\u00e7\u0131nmak gerekir. E\u011fer psikiyatri her t\u00fcrl\u00fc do\u011fa\u00fcst\u00fc olay\u0131 inkar edip, \u00e7\u0131plak materyalizme ayaklar\u0131n\u0131 basmak amac\u0131nda de\u011filse ara s\u0131ra bu t\u00fcr olgular\u0131n ger\u00e7eklerle ba\u011flant\u0131s\u0131 olmas\u0131 ve her \u015feyi ‘hal\u00fcsinasyon’ ismini vererek bir kenara atmamak gerekti\u011fi olas\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kabul etmesi laz\u0131md\u0131r.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

1894 y\u0131l\u0131n\u0131n Mart ortalar\u0131ndan May\u0131s sonuna kadar bir s\u00fcre hayat\u0131m\u0131n en korkun\u00e7, en i\u011fren\u00e7 devresi oldu\u011funu rahat\u00e7a s\u00f6yleyebilirim. Ama yine de ya\u015fam\u0131m\u0131n “kutsal” zaman\u0131yd\u0131 ve bu zaman boyunca ruhum do\u011fa\u00fcst\u00fc \u015feyler taraf\u0131ndan esinleniyordu. Bunlar, d\u0131\u015f d\u00fcnyada g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm kaba muamelelere ra\u011fmen gittik\u00e7e artarak geliyorlard\u0131. Yine, bu d\u00f6nem i\u00e7inde i\u00e7im, Tanr\u0131 ve D\u00fcnyan\u0131n D\u00fczeni konusunda y\u00fcce d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerle […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[52],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-5917","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-psikoloji"},"yoast_head":"\nSinir Hastal\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n Ya\u015fam \u00d6yk\u00fcs\u00fc | D. 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Bunlar, d\u0131\u015f d\u00fcnyada g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm kaba muamelelere ra\u011fmen gittik\u00e7e artarak geliyorlard\u0131. 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