{"id":6022,"date":"2011-05-27T11:33:22","date_gmt":"2011-05-27T08:33:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2011\/05\/27\/hem-peygamber-hem-duskun-ahmet-umit\/"},"modified":"2011-05-27T11:33:22","modified_gmt":"2011-05-27T08:33:22","slug":"hem-peygamber-hem-duskun-ahmet-umit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2011\/05\/27\/hem-peygamber-hem-duskun-ahmet-umit\/","title":{"rendered":"Hem Peygamber Hem D\u00fc\u015fk\u00fcn | Ahmet \u00dcmit"},"content":{"rendered":"![](\"images\/stories\/ahmet-umit.jpg\")
Oteldeki odamda, pencerenin \u00f6n\u00fcne oturmu\u015f, bu kuzey Avrupa kentinin karl\u0131 gecesini seyrediyordum. R\u00fczg\u00e2r, \u00f6n\u00fcne katt\u0131\u011f\u0131 kar taneciklerini cadde boyunca s\u00fcr\u00fckl\u00fcyor, sokak lambalar\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131, geceye al\u0131\u015fk\u0131n olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir keder kat\u0131yordu. Vakit geceyar\u0131s\u0131na yak\u0131n olmas\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131n az ilerideki gece kul\u00fcb\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fc ar\u0131 kovan\u0131 gibiydi. Neon \u0131\u015f\u0131klarla ayd\u0131nlanan kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde otomobiller durup kalk\u0131yor, kad\u0131nl\u0131 erkekli gruplar i\u00e7eri girip \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorlard\u0131.<\/p>\n
Birden kul\u00fcb\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcnde bir iti\u015fme oldu. \u0130ri yar\u0131 iki g\u00fcvenlik g\u00f6revlisinin k\u0131sa boylu, \u00e7elimsiz birini itekleyerek, d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Adam g\u00f6revlilere direnmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu. Bir ara ellerinden kurtularak, i\u00e7eri girmek istedi. Ama g\u00f6revlilerden biri onu ensesinden yakalad\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi caddeye savurdu; adamca\u011f\u0131z az kals\u0131n, bir arac\u0131n alt\u0131nda kalacakt\u0131; \u015fof\u00f6r zaman\u0131nda fark etti de yaralanmaktan kurtuldu. Yolun kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131ndaki kald\u0131r\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131kan adam birka\u00e7 ad\u0131m att\u0131p, durdu. Yine gece kul\u00fcb\u00fcne gidecek diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm. G\u00f6revliler i\u015flerine d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015fler, art\u0131k onunla ilgilenmiyorlard\u0131. Adam ger\u00e7ekten de yola do\u011fru y\u00f6neldi ama birden \u00fczerine y\u0131ld\u0131r\u0131m d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f gibi bedeni \u00e7arp\u0131ld\u0131. G\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fckle geriye d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Duvarlara yaslanarak ilerdeki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck kiliseye y\u00f6neldi. Kilisenin \u00f6n\u00fcne gelmi\u015fti ki titremeye ba\u015flad\u0131 ve oldu\u011fu yere y\u0131\u011f\u0131ld\u0131. D\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc benden ba\u015fka kimse g\u00f6rmemi\u015fti.<\/p>\n
Ona yard\u0131m etmek i\u00e7in ne zaman karar verdi\u011fimi an\u0131msam\u0131yorum. Bildi\u011fim paltomu giyip, otelden f\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, birka\u00e7 kez d\u00fc\u015fme tehlikesi ge\u00e7irerek adam\u0131n yan\u0131na ula\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131md\u0131.
Zavall\u0131 adam yerde s\u0131tmal\u0131 bir hasta gibi titriyor, kontrols\u00fczce hareket eden bedeni sa\u011fa sola savruluyordu. Ellerini yakalayarak, kendini yaralamas\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6nlemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Bir ara g\u00f6zlerim adam\u0131n ac\u0131yla \u00e7arp\u0131lm\u0131\u015f y\u00fcz\u00fcne tak\u0131ld\u0131; a\u00e7\u0131k bir aln\u0131 vard\u0131, \u00e7\u0131k\u0131k elmac\u0131k kemikleri ve uzun sakallar\u0131 daha ilk bak\u0131\u015fta dikkati \u00e7ekiyordu. Bu hastal\u0131kl\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fc bir yerlerde g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrken, adam\u0131n a\u011fz\u0131nda biriken k\u00f6p\u00fckleri fark ettim. Bu adam saral\u0131yd\u0131, daha s\u0131k\u0131 tuttum ellerini.<\/p>\n
Adam\u0131n tepkileri gev\u015fedi, giderek hareketsizle\u015fti. \u00d6nce \u00f6ld\u00fc diye korktum. Elimle boynundaki atardamar\u0131 yoklad\u0131m, hay\u0131r \u00f6lmemi\u015fti. Hafif\u00e7e soluk al\u0131p veren adam\u0131n y\u00fcz\u00fcnden doygunluk ve huzur okunuyordu. Az \u00f6nce olanlar\u0131 g\u00f6rmemi\u015f olsam, adamca\u011f\u0131z\u0131n m\u0131\u015f\u0131l m\u0131\u015f\u0131l uyudu\u011funu, uykusunda da \u00e7ok g\u00fczel bir d\u00fc\u015f g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc sanabilirdim. Kendine zarar veremeyece\u011fini anlay\u0131nca ellerini b\u0131rakt\u0131m. Onu buradan g\u00f6t\u00fcrmeliydim. Kilisede yard\u0131m edebilecek birileri var m\u0131yd\u0131 acaba? Umars\u0131zca kilisenin iki kanatl\u0131 ah\u015fap kap\u0131s\u0131na dokundum. Tuhaf, sanki kap\u0131 dokunmam\u0131 bekliyormu\u015f gibi kendili\u011finden a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131verdi. \u0130\u00e7eride ilk g\u00f6z\u00fcme \u00e7arpan \u015fey mum \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131yla ayd\u0131nlat\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, \u0130sa’n\u0131n \u00e7arm\u0131ha gerili\u015f heykeli oldu. Mumlardan yans\u0131yan \u0131\u015f\u0131k, kilisenin mistik havas\u0131n\u0131 tamaml\u0131yor, bu \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131\u015ft\u0131ran sessizlik insanda ister istemez derin bir sayg\u0131 duygusu uyand\u0131r\u0131yordu. Fazla d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden adamca\u011f\u0131z\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fckleyerek i\u00e7eri ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131m. \u0130\u00e7erideki s\u0131ralardan birinin \u00fczerine yat\u0131rd\u0131m. Art\u0131k ay\u0131lmas\u0131n\u0131 beklemekten ba\u015fka yapacak bir \u015fey yoktu.<\/p>\n
Uyanmas\u0131n\u0131 beklerken bir ara g\u00f6zlerim \u0130sa’n\u0131n heykeline tak\u0131ld\u0131. Nas\u0131l da canl\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordu. S\u0131ralar\u0131n aras\u0131ndan ge\u00e7erek heykele do\u011fru y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcm. \u0130sa’n\u0131n y\u00fcz\u00fc de s\u0131ran\u0131n \u00fczerinde yatan adam\u0131nki gibi sapsar\u0131, dikenli tac\u0131n \u00e7izdi\u011fi aln\u0131nda, avu\u00e7lar\u0131ndaki ve ayaklar\u0131ndaki \u00e7ivi ba\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n kenarlar\u0131ndaki koyu renk kan lekeleri de sahici gibiydi. Ben etkilenmi\u015f bir halde heykeli izlerken, ayaklar\u0131m\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcne bir damla d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. Yan\u0131lm\u0131\u015f m\u0131yd\u0131m? Hay\u0131r, ikinci bir damla ilkini izledi. Bu eski kilisenin dam\u0131 ak\u0131yor olmal\u0131yd\u0131. B\u00f6yle d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeme kar\u015f\u0131n yine de e\u011filip, yere d\u00fc\u015fen damlalara dokunmaktan kendimi alamad\u0131m. \u0130\u015faret parma\u011f\u0131mla dokundu\u011fum s\u0131v\u0131n\u0131n ne oldu\u011funu anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken,
“A\u011fl\u0131yor de\u011fil mi?” diyen bir sesle irkildim. H\u0131zla geriye d\u00f6nd\u00fcm. Bizim \u00e7elimsiz adamd\u0131.
“Siz miydiniz?” dedim.
“Adam sanki beni duymam\u0131\u015f gibi yineledi.
“\u0130sa efendimiz a\u011fl\u0131yor de\u011fil mi?”
“Sanm\u0131yorum,” dedim. “Dam ak\u0131yor olmal\u0131.”
“Ah,” dedi. “Siz de inan\u00e7s\u0131z birisiniz.” Sesinde su\u00e7lamadan \u00e7ok ac\u0131ma vard\u0131. Halime \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyor gibiydi. Onun bu tavr\u0131 can\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131kt\u0131. Aram\u0131zda ac\u0131nacak biri varsa bu kendisiydi. Az \u00f6nce bir kumarhaneden at\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, yard\u0131m etmeseydim belki de sokak ortas\u0131nda donarak \u00f6lecekti.<\/p>\n
“Kendinize geldi\u011finize sevindim,” dedim. Biraz da onun i\u00e7in yapt\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131 an\u0131msatmak i\u00e7in. “Az \u00f6nce \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordunuz.”
S\u00f6zlerim hedefini bulmu\u015ftu, adam ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6ne e\u011fdi.<\/p>\n
“Beni siz i\u00e7eri alm\u0131\u015f olmal\u0131s\u0131n\u0131z,” dedi. “\u00d6z\u00fcr dilerim, size te\u015fekk\u00fcr etmeyi unuttum.”
“\u00d6nemi yok,” dedim. Ne\u015fem yerine gelmi\u015fti. “Benim yerimde kim olsa ayn\u0131 \u015feyi yapard\u0131.”
“Yapmazd\u0131,” dedi. “D\u00fcnya daha da berbat bir yer olmu\u015f. \u0130nsanlar daha da k\u00f6t\u00fcle\u015fmi\u015f.”
G\u00fcl\u00fcmseyerek adam\u0131 tepeden t\u0131rna\u011fa s\u00fczd\u00fcm.
“D\u00fcnyaya birka\u00e7 kez gelmi\u015f gibi konu\u015fuyorsunuz?”
“\u00d6yle, daha \u00f6nce de bu d\u00fcnyada ya\u015fam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.”
Gece kul\u00fcb\u00fcnden tekme tokat at\u0131lman\u0131n nedeni \u015fimdi daha iyi anla\u015f\u0131l\u0131yor, diye ge\u00e7irdim i\u00e7imden.
“Ah, kendimi tan\u0131tmay\u0131 unuttum,” dedi adam elini uzatarak. “Ben Fyodor Mihaylovi\u00e7 Dostoveyski.”
Dostoveyski s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc duyunca bu y\u00fcz\u00fcn neden tan\u0131d\u0131k geldi\u011fini anlad\u0131m. Kar\u015f\u0131mdaki adam ger\u00e7ekten de, b\u00fcy\u00fck ustaya benziyordu. Bu y\u00fczden adam\u0131n abuk sabuk konu\u015fmalar\u0131na kahkahalarla g\u00fclmek, ya da bu tuhaf kiliseden ka\u00e7\u0131p gitmek yerine onunla sohbet etmeyi se\u00e7tim.
“S\u00f6zleriniz hi\u00e7 inand\u0131r\u0131c\u0131 de\u011fil,” dedim. “Siz Dostoyevski olamazs\u0131n\u0131z.”
“Belki de de\u011filimdir ama ben yerinizde olsam tuhaf olaylara, mucizelere inan\u0131rd\u0131m.”
“\u00d6teki d\u00fcnyaya gidip gelmek gibi mi?” dedim b\u0131y\u0131k alt\u0131ndan g\u00fclerek.
Adam dalga ge\u00e7ti\u011fimi anlamam\u0131\u015ft\u0131.
“O da var,” diye yan\u0131tlad\u0131. “As\u0131l anlatmak istedi\u011fim \u00f6teki d\u00fcnya de\u011fil. Ger\u00e7e\u011fi anlamak i\u00e7in d\u00fc\u015fler ve hayaller gerekir.”<\/p>\n
Konu\u015fmam\u0131z ilgin\u00e7 bir hal almaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131.
“Diyalektikten mi bahsediyorsunuz?” dedim, meraklanarak.
“Evet, ama Marks’\u0131nki de\u011fil; daha \u00e7ok Hegel’inki.”
“Neden Marks’\u0131nki de\u011fil.”
“Y\u00f6ntemin kurucusu Hegel de ondan.”
“Ama y\u00f6ntemi yerli yerine oturtan da Marks.”
Durdu, \u00e7ekik g\u00f6zlerini y\u00fcz\u00fcme dikerek, bir s\u00fcre k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcmser bir tav\u0131rla beni s\u00fczd\u00fc.
“Demek siz de sosyalistsiniz?”
“Bir zamanlar siz de \u00f6yleydiniz,” dedim. “Tabii h\u00e2l\u00e2 Dostoyevski oldu\u011funuzu iddia ediyorsan\u0131z.”
“Ediyorum tabii, siz beni ne sand\u0131n\u0131z.”<\/p>\n
Sonra \u00e7ok eskilerde kalm\u0131\u015f ho\u015f bir an\u0131y\u0131 an\u0131msam\u0131\u015f gibi g\u00fcl\u00fcmsedi.
“Ben yaln\u0131zca sosyalistlere sempati duydum. O da Belinski (1) y\u00fcz\u00fcnden.”
“Oysa kimi ele\u015ftirmenler, \u00f6nerdi\u011finiz toplum projesinin \u00fctopik sosyalizme yak\u0131n oldu\u011funu s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorlar.”
Bo\u015fver dercesine sa\u011f elini bo\u015flukta sallad\u0131.
“\u0130nsanlar\u0131n sa\u00e7malama haklar\u0131 da vard\u0131r.”
“Ya ‘G\u00fcl\u00fcn\u00e7 Adam\u0131n R\u00fcyas\u0131’?(2) O \u00f6yk\u00fcde hi\u00e7 de cennetten s\u00f6z edilmiyor ama insanlar\u0131n e\u015fit, \u00f6zg\u00fcr ve mutluluk i\u00e7inde ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir toplum anlat\u0131l\u0131yor.”
“Gen\u00e7lik hayalleri…” diyecek oldu.
“Yapmay\u0131n,” diyerek s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc kestim. “\u00d6yk\u00fcy\u00fc yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131zda elli ya\u015f\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7oktan a\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131n\u0131z.”
“\u0130yi g\u00fczel s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorsunuz da, k\u0131sa bir \u00f6yk\u00fcden yola \u00e7\u0131karak bana sosyalist yaftas\u0131 yap\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmak do\u011fru mu?” Durdu, sinirli sinirli soluyarak ekledi. “Beni anlamak istiyorsan\u0131z romanlar\u0131m\u0131 okumal\u0131s\u0131n\u0131z. Orada sosyalizm gibi insan ruhunu hi\u00e7e sayan ak\u0131lc\u0131 ak\u0131mlar\u0131n\u0131 ele\u015ftirisini g\u00f6receksiniz.”
“Hi\u00e7 merak etmeyin,” dedim. “Hepsini okudum. Ama pek s\u00f6yledi\u011finiz gibi bir sonu\u00e7 \u00e7\u0131km\u0131yor.”
“Ne \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor peki.”
“Tamam ele\u015ftiriyorsunuz ama sosyalizmi de\u011fil, ak\u0131lc\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131. Ama unutmay\u0131n ak\u0131lc\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n k\u00f6kleri sizin \u0130sa Efendinizin do\u011fumuna kadar uzan\u0131r.”
“Abart\u0131yorsunuz,” dedi.
“Hi\u00e7 de abartm\u0131yorum. Evet siz, insan\u0131n yaln\u0131zca akla indirgenmesini ele\u015ftirdiniz. Bunda da hakl\u0131yd\u0131n\u0131z. \u00dcstelik bu ele\u015ftirel tavr\u0131n\u0131z sizi o \u00e7ok korktu\u011funuz devrimcilerden biri haline getiriyordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00fcslubunuz \u00f6yleydi.”
“Yanl\u0131\u015f,” diye g\u00fcrledi, “Ben Slavlar\u0131n ortodoks inan\u00e7 \u00e7evresinde birli\u011fine inan\u0131r\u0131m. Vremya (3) dergisindeki yaz\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 okuyun, daha iyi anlayacaks\u0131n\u0131z.”
“\u0130nan\u0131n sizi sand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131zdan \u00e7ok daha iyi anl\u0131yorum. Son iki y\u00fczy\u0131l\u0131n getirdi\u011fi olumsuzluklar\u0131 ilk g\u00f6ren ki\u015filerden biri oldunuz. Bu da y\u00fcksek dehan\u0131z\u0131 g\u00f6steriyor. Ama ne yaz\u0131k ki Bat\u0131 Radikalizmi ile Slav mistisizmi aras\u0131nda bir sentez olu\u015fturamad\u0131n\u0131z. B\u00f6yle bir sentez olu\u015fturman\u0131z gerekiyor muydu, ondan da pek emin de\u011filim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc siz felsefeci de\u011fil sanat\u00e7\u0131s\u0131n\u0131z. Ama \u015funu s\u00f6ylemek zorunday\u0131m: Yaln\u0131zca Vremya dergisindeki yaz\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131z de\u011fil, Su\u00e7 ve Ceza, Budala, Ecinliler ve Karamazov Karde\u015fler gibi ba\u015fyap\u0131tlar\u0131n\u0131z bile Bat\u0131 ayd\u0131nlanmas\u0131yla, Slav mistisizmi aras\u0131nda s\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131p kald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 g\u00f6steriyor.”<\/p>\n
“Siz kimsiniz,” dedi sesini y\u00fckselterek.
“Biraz al\u00e7akg\u00f6n\u00fcll\u00fc olun l\u00fctfen. Kar\u015f\u0131ma ge\u00e7ip d\u00fcnyan\u0131n gizine ermi\u015f gibi, nas\u0131l b\u00f6yle emin konu\u015fabilirsiniz.”
“D\u00fcnyan\u0131n gizine ermedi\u011fim kesin. Dahas\u0131 b\u00f6yle bir giz var m\u0131 ondan bile emin de\u011filim. Yaln\u0131zca sizin tutkulu bir hayran\u0131n\u0131z\u0131m, desem?”
\u0130nanmam\u0131\u015f gibi y\u00fcz\u00fcme bakt\u0131.
“Tuhaf,” dedi. “Sizin gibi maddeci birisi benim gibi bir yazara neden hayran olsun ki.”<\/p>\n
“Size hayran olmamak elde mi \u00fcstat? Shakespeare’den sonra insan ruhunu en ger\u00e7ek\u00e7i olarak siz kaleme ald\u0131n\u0131z.”
S\u00f6zlerimde i\u00e7ten oldu\u011fumu anlay\u0131nca yumu\u015fad\u0131.
“Sesimi y\u00fckseltti\u011fim i\u00e7in beni ba\u011f\u0131\u015flay\u0131n,” dedi, uzun sakallar\u0131n\u0131 s\u0131vazlayarak. “Neden b\u00f6yle sinirliyim bilmiyorum. \u0130nsanlar\u0131n bu hali hasta ediyor beni.”
“Biz de onlar\u0131n bir par\u00e7as\u0131y\u0131z.”
“As\u0131l sorun da bu ya. Ba\u015fkalar\u0131 iyi ya da k\u00f6t\u00fc olmu\u015f, o kadar \u00f6nemli de\u011fil. Ama ben kendi i\u00e7imdeki k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc a\u015fam\u0131yorum. Az \u00f6nce o kumarhaneden nas\u0131l at\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcn\u00fcz. \u015eu an sizinle konu\u015furken bile akl\u0131m\u0131n bir par\u00e7as\u0131 h\u00e2l\u00e2 orada.”
“Ama yaln\u0131zca kumar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcyorsunuz, kafan\u0131zda daha \u00f6nemli sorunlar da var.”
Umars\u0131zl\u0131k i\u00e7inde ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 sallad\u0131.
“Sorunlar m\u0131? Hastal\u0131k diyelim \u015funa. \u0130yi ve k\u00f6t\u00fc s\u00fcrekli bo\u011fazla\u015f\u0131yor kafatas\u0131m\u0131n i\u00e7imde. Bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc huzura ula\u015fam\u0131yorum.”
“Belki de dehan\u0131z\u0131 bu bo\u011fu\u015fmaya bor\u00e7luyuz.”
\u015eaka m\u0131 yap\u0131yorum yoksa ciddi miyim, anlamak istercesine \u015f\u00f6yle bir bakt\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcme. Ciddi oldu\u011fumu anlad\u0131ktan sonra, “Belki de,” diyerek onaylad\u0131 beni. ” \u0130yi ve k\u00f6t\u00fc, masum ve canavar, katil ve kurban, zeki ve aptal, korkak ve cesur, namuslu ve al\u00e7ak, daha sayamayaca\u011f\u0131m onlarca insanl\u0131k durumu. \u00c7o\u011fu insan fark\u0131na bile varm\u0131yor bunlar\u0131n. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde sallanan tehlikeyi bilmeden, ekme\u011fini geveleyip, \u015farab\u0131n\u0131 i\u00e7ip, her f\u0131rsatta \u00e7iftle\u015fip ya\u015famaya bak\u0131yor. Belki de do\u011frusu bu. Ama ben yapam\u0131yorum. Yanl\u0131\u015f yapmak korkutuyor beni. \u0130\u015fin k\u00f6t\u00fcs\u00fc yanl\u0131\u015f yapmaktan, g\u00fcnah i\u015flemekten de al\u0131koyam\u0131yorum kendimi. Temiz kalmal\u0131y\u0131m diyorum ama ya\u015fad\u0131k\u00e7a daha \u00e7ok kirleniyorum. Bu kaosu \u00e7\u00f6zebilmi\u015f de\u011filim. Soluk alabildi\u011fim tek alan var: yazmak.”
“O zaman ar\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 m\u0131 hissediyorsunuz?”
“Hay\u0131r. Yazmak ar\u0131nd\u0131rm\u0131yor beni. Ama su\u00e7 i\u015flemenin, g\u00fcnaha girmenin, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn de ya\u015fama dahil oldu\u011funa inanmam\u0131 sa\u011fl\u0131yor. Yazarken d\u00fcnyan\u0131n, insanlar\u0131n halini daha iyi g\u00f6rebiliyorum. \u0130nsan\u0131n o kadar \u00e7ok hali var ki, bunlar\u0131 azaltmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rsan\u0131z, sanki ruhumuzdan bir \u015feyler eksiliyor.”
“Bu y\u00fczden mi kahramanlar\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 ruhsal \u00e7alkant\u0131lar i\u00e7inde k\u0131vranan insanlar olarak canland\u0131r\u0131yorsunuz.”
“O y\u00fczden de\u011fil, \u00f6yle oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in. Bunu ben uydurmuyorum. \u0130nsanlar b\u00f6yle. O kadar \u00e7ok ac\u0131, o kadar \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck var ki. Sonra bunun bir raslant\u0131 olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anl\u0131yorum. \u0130nsano\u011flu ancak b\u00fcy\u00fck k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fcklerden, sonra ar\u0131nabiliyor; b\u00fcy\u00fck ac\u0131lardan sonra mutlu olabiliyor.”
“Bence yan\u0131l\u0131yorsunuz,” dedim. “\u0130yi olmak i\u00e7in k\u00f6t\u00fc olmam\u0131z gerekmiyor. Mutlu olmak i\u00e7inde ac\u0131 \u00e7ekmemiz gerekmiyor. Geli\u015fkin bir toplum yarat\u0131labilirse, olumlu ko\u015fullar sa\u011flanabilirse, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckler de ac\u0131lar da en aza iner.”<\/p>\n
“Laf bunlar,” dedi sinirli sinirli g\u00fclerek. “Kendini halktan \u00fcst\u00fcn sayan ayd\u0131nlar\u0131n y\u00fcreklerindeki a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131 hafifletmek i\u00e7in uydurdu\u011fu safsatalar. \u015eu i\u00e7inde ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z y\u00fczy\u0131la bak: \u00d6l\u00fcm, yoksulluk ve mutsuzluk. O \u00e7ok \u00f6v\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcz teknoloji ne getirdi size? Hani nerede iyilik?”
“Birdenbire olmayacak tabii. Yeni bir k\u00fclt\u00fcr yaratmak zaman al\u0131r.”
“\u00c7ok dinledim bunlar\u0131. Hepsi palavra. Bizi ancak tanr\u0131sal bir d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce kurtarabilir. Halk\u0131 etkileyecek tek d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce budur: Kutsanm\u0131\u015f ekmek, \u0130sa’n\u0131n kan\u0131 ve ke\u015fi\u015fin kutsal s\u00f6zc\u00fckleri.”
“\u0130yi de bu s\u00f6yledikleriniz zaten vard\u0131. Dinler, kutsal kitaplar, peygamberler, hi\u00e7biri \u00e7are bulamad\u0131 insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n derdine.
“Yeterince inan\u0131lmad\u0131 \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc.”
Ku\u015fkulu g\u00f6zlerle onu s\u00fczd\u00fcm.
“Ya siz, ger\u00e7ekten inan\u0131yormusunuz dinlere?”
Ne demek istiyorsun gibilerden ters ters bakmaya ba\u015flad\u0131.
“Bir yaz\u0131n\u0131zda,” diye a\u00e7\u0131klama gere\u011fi duydum, “tanr\u0131n\u0131n olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131na ili\u015fkin kan\u0131tlar \u00e7o\u011fald\u0131k\u00e7a ona daha \u00e7ok inan\u0131yorum, demi\u015ftiniz de.”
“Benim inan\u0131p inanmamam \u00f6nemli de\u011fil,” dedi. S\u00f6zlerindeki kesinlik hissedilmeyecek gibi de\u011fildi. “\u0130nsanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n buna gereksinimi var.”
Romanlar\u0131ndaki insanlar\u0131 anlat\u0131rken inan\u0131lmaz bir ho\u015fg\u00f6r\u00fc ve derinli\u011fe sahip olan bir zek\u00e2, politik konular a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131nda bu denli ba\u011fnaz ve s\u0131\u011f bir yakla\u015f\u0131m\u0131 nas\u0131l benimseyebiliyordu anlayam\u0131yordum.
“Rus halk\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6nderli\u011finde bir dinsel uyan\u0131\u015fa,” diye alay etmeye ba\u015flad\u0131m.
“Evet,” dedi. S\u00f6zc\u00fcklerin \u00fczerine basa basa devam etti. “Daha a\u00e7\u0131k konu\u015fmak gerekirse, insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n Rusla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131lmas\u0131na,”
“Bu u\u011furda sava\u015fa da haz\u0131rs\u0131n\u0131z.”
“\u0130nsanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n kurtulu\u015fu i\u00e7in…”
“Hep b\u00f6yle s\u00f6ylenir.”
S\u00f6zlerim onu sinirlendirmeye ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131.
“\u00c7arp\u0131t\u0131yorsunuz,” diye ba\u011f\u0131rd\u0131,
“s\u00f6ylediklerimi anlayacak ruh temizli\u011fi yok sizde.”
“Hakl\u0131s\u0131n\u0131z \u00fcstat,” dedim. Kendini Dostoyevski sanan bu tuhaf adamdan s\u0131k\u0131lmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. “Benim ruhum yeterince temiz de\u011fil. Gidip biraz bedenimi dinlendireyim, bakars\u0131n\u0131z ruhum ar\u0131n\u0131r.”<\/p>\n
“Alay etmekle ger\u00e7eklerden ka\u00e7amazs\u0131n,” dedi buruk bir tav\u0131rla.
“Yine de ho\u015f\u00e7akal\u0131n,” diyerek kalkt\u0131m.
Sanki bir \u015fey unutmu\u015fum gibi,”Bekleyin,”
diye seslendi ard\u0131mdan.
Ona do\u011fru d\u00f6nd\u00fcm. Az \u00f6nceki \u00f6fkeli hali kaybolmu\u015f gibiydi.
“\u015eey… Sizden bir ricam olacak,” dedi. Bunu s\u00f6ylerken ezik bir tav\u0131rla yan\u0131ma yakla\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. “Bana biraz bor\u00e7 verebilir miydiniz?”
Alaca\u011f\u0131 bor\u00e7la kumar oynayaca\u011f\u0131 o kadar belliydi ki, sorup onu al\u00e7altmak istemedim. C\u00fczdan\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p bir miktar para b\u0131rakt\u0131m avucuna.
“Sa\u011folun, borcumu en k\u0131sa zamanda \u00f6deyece\u011fim” dedi. \u00c7ekik g\u00f6zleri zaferle \u0131\u015f\u0131maya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. “\u015eunu da unutmay\u0131n, benim yazar kimli\u011fimle politik kimli\u011fim ayr\u0131lmaz.”
Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemeden y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcm. Kap\u0131dan \u00e7\u0131karken, d\u00f6nd\u00fcm. Bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 h\u00e2l\u00e2 \u00fczerimdeydi.
“Belki hakl\u0131s\u0131n\u0131z,” dedim. “Ama ben; Raskolnikov(4)’u, Dimitri Karamazov(5)’u, Prens Mi\u015fkin(6)’i yaratan, insano\u011flunun \u00e7aresizli\u011fini b\u00fcy\u00fck bir duyarl\u0131l\u0131kla anlatan Dostoyevski’yi seviyorum. Tanr\u0131n\u0131n, \u0130sa’n\u0131n, Kutsal Ruh’un ve Rus Ortodoks kilisesinin emrindeki Dostoyevski’yi de\u011fil.”<\/p>\n
Notlar:<\/strong>
<\/em><\/p>\n1. Vissarion Gregoryevi\u00e7 Belinski; Rusya’da radikal d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncenin kurucular\u0131ndan, \u00fcnl\u00fc edebiyat ele\u015ftirmeni.
2. G\u00fcl\u00fcn\u00e7 Adam\u0131n R\u00fcyas\u0131; Dostoyevski’nin bir \u00f6yk\u00fcs\u00fc.
3. Vremya (Zaman); Dostoyevski’nin 1960 y\u0131l\u0131nda karde\u015fiyle birlikte \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir dergi.
4. Raskolnikov; Su\u00e7 ve Ceza’n\u0131n ba\u015f kahraman\u0131.
5. Dimitri Karamazov; Karamazov Karde\u015fler’in ba\u015f kahraman\u0131.
6. Prens Mi\u015fkin; Budala’n\u0131n ba\u015f kahraman\u0131.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Oteldeki odamda, pencerenin \u00f6n\u00fcne oturmu\u015f, bu kuzey Avrupa kentinin karl\u0131 gecesini seyrediyordum. R\u00fczg\u00e2r, \u00f6n\u00fcne katt\u0131\u011f\u0131 kar taneciklerini cadde boyunca s\u00fcr\u00fckl\u00fcyor, sokak lambalar\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131, geceye al\u0131\u015fk\u0131n olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir keder kat\u0131yordu. Vakit geceyar\u0131s\u0131na yak\u0131n olmas\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131n az ilerideki gece kul\u00fcb\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fc ar\u0131 kovan\u0131 gibiydi. Neon \u0131\u015f\u0131klarla ayd\u0131nlanan kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde otomobiller durup kalk\u0131yor, kad\u0131nl\u0131 erkekli gruplar i\u00e7eri […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-6022","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-turkiye-den-oykuler"},"yoast_head":"\n
Hem Peygamber Hem D\u00fc\u015fk\u00fcn | Ahmet \u00dcmit - narteks.net<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/narteks.net\/index.php\/2011\/05\/27\/hem-peygamber-hem-duskun-ahmet-umit\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"tr_TR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hem Peygamber Hem D\u00fc\u015fk\u00fcn | Ahmet \u00dcmit\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Oteldeki odamda, pencerenin \u00f6n\u00fcne oturmu\u015f, bu kuzey Avrupa kentinin karl\u0131 gecesini seyrediyordum. R\u00fczg\u00e2r, \u00f6n\u00fcne katt\u0131\u011f\u0131 kar taneciklerini cadde boyunca s\u00fcr\u00fckl\u00fcyor, sokak lambalar\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131, geceye al\u0131\u015fk\u0131n olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir keder kat\u0131yordu. 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R\u00fczg\u00e2r, \u00f6n\u00fcne katt\u0131\u011f\u0131 kar taneciklerini cadde boyunca s\u00fcr\u00fckl\u00fcyor, sokak lambalar\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131, geceye al\u0131\u015fk\u0131n olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir keder kat\u0131yordu. Vakit geceyar\u0131s\u0131na yak\u0131n olmas\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131n az ilerideki gece kul\u00fcb\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fc ar\u0131 kovan\u0131 gibiydi. 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