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\u0130\u015fte buras\u0131. Mavi demir kap\u0131, K\u0131smet apartman\u0131 No: 25. T\u0131pk\u0131 onun ya\u015f\u0131 gibi, ama isim pek ona yak\u0131\u015fmad\u0131. \u015e\u00f6yle olmal\u0131yd\u0131, k\u0131smetsiz apartman\u0131 No: sonsuz. As\u0131l ya\u015f\u0131 bu art\u0131k. Kendimi oyal\u0131yorum gene. Ka\u00e7\u0131\u015f y\u00f6ntemim budur her zaman. Sa\u00e7ma sapan d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelere sap, sonunda oldu\u011fum \u015fey bu i\u015fte yaln\u0131zca bir sap. Bir baltaya olursun belki. Gene yapt\u0131m ayn\u0131s\u0131n\u0131. Elimdeki \u00e7i\u00e7ekler bile isyan etti art\u0131k. Boyunlar\u0131n\u0131 b\u00fckt\u00fc garipler. O kadar \u00e7ok dola\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131m ki onlar\u0131. Ka\u00e7 kez ge\u00e7tim bu evin \u00f6n\u00fcnden. Bu mavi demir oymal\u0131 kap\u0131ya, \u015fu kabartma harflerle yaz\u0131lm\u0131\u015f isme bak\u0131p bak\u0131p ge\u00e7tim buradan. G\u00f6rmezden gelerek, kendime s\u00f6yledi\u011fim sa\u00e7mal\u0131klar\u0131n aras\u0131nda bo\u011fularak ar\u015f\u0131nlad\u0131m bu soka\u011f\u0131. Ne \u00e7ok zil var burada. \u0130ki tarafta da \u00e7ifter \u00e7ifter s\u0131ralanm\u0131\u015flar. Annesinin ad\u0131n\u0131 hat\u0131rlayam\u0131yorum.\u00a0 As, As, evet i\u015fte buldum, Ramize As. Sinan As\u2019\u0131n biricik annesi. Geri d\u00f6nmeliyim. Kollar\u0131mdan \u00e7eki\u015ftiriyorlar sanki. Ne i\u015fim var benim burada. Hen\u00fcz ge\u00e7 de\u011fil, i\u015f i\u015ften ge\u00e7meden hadi d\u00f6n. Bir y\u0131l ge\u00e7 de\u011fil mi peki? Daha fazla ka\u00e7amam. Art\u0131k y\u00fczle\u015fme vakti geldi. Her g\u00fcn \u00f6ld\u00fcm ben, onu akl\u0131mdan hi\u00e7 \u00e7\u0131karamad\u0131m, oyunlar oynad\u0131m, insanlara kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131m gene de olmad\u0131. Buradan d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f yok. Elim zile gidiyor yava\u015f yava\u015f. Zille bulu\u015ftu parmaklar\u0131m, kolum ask\u0131da. T\u00fcm kaslar\u0131m erimi\u015f, peltele\u015fmi\u015f gibi g\u00fc\u00e7s\u00fcz. Sinan elimi tut, g\u00fc\u00e7 ver bana. Ask\u0131dan al beni, orada ya\u015famaktan usand\u0131m. Zilin sesini duydum, nas\u0131l oldu\u011funu anlamadan basm\u0131\u015f\u0131m zile. Ses b\u00fct\u00fcn soka\u011f\u0131 inletti adeta. Beynimin i\u00e7inde davullar \u00e7ald\u0131 bir s\u00fcre. Yoksa bu \u00e7alan alarm m\u0131? Beni buradan uzakla\u015ft\u0131rmak i\u00e7in, parmak izime duyarl\u0131 bir h\u0131rs\u0131z alarm\u0131 olmal\u0131 bu. Ne de olsa Ramize As\u2019\u0131n t\u00fcm iyi niyetlerini, kader dedi\u011fi t\u00fcm avuntular\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7almaya geldim. H\u00e2l\u00e2 ka\u00e7mak i\u00e7in zaman\u0131m var. \u201cKim o?\u201d
Onun sesi, ya\u015fl\u0131 ve \u00e7atall\u0131. Ne yan\u0131t vermeliyim? As\u0131l d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmem gerekeni d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmemi\u015fim. Sahi kimim ben? Nas\u0131l s\u0131fatland\u0131rmal\u0131 Selvi\u2019yi? Bir hi\u00e7. O kazadan sonra tam anlam\u0131yla, her \u015feyi yutan bir s\u0131f\u0131r.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
\u201cBenim Selvi, Sinan\u2019\u0131n arkada\u015f\u0131, yani\u2026\u201d
Kap\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131. Bu kadar gevelemenin anlam\u0131 neydi? Yaln\u0131zca Sinan demem yeterliydi belki de. Bu kap\u0131n\u0131n parolas\u0131 bu olmal\u0131. Kap\u0131y\u0131 itmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum, ne kadar da a\u011f\u0131r b\u00f6yle. \u0130\u00e7eriye girmenin bir bedeli var, g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc olacaks\u0131n der gibi. Kollar\u0131m yetmeyince omzumdan destek al\u0131yorum. Kap\u0131 biraz aralan\u0131nca at\u0131yorum kendimi i\u00e7eri. \u00d6nce h\u0131zl\u0131 sonra yava\u015f kapan\u0131yor ard\u0131mdan. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde an\u0131nda bir \u0131\u015f\u0131k yand\u0131. \u0130tiraflara ba\u015flamam i\u00e7in sorgu yarg\u0131c\u0131 birazdan ba\u015f\u0131ma dikilecek. \u0130tiraf et buraya neden geldin? Asl\u0131nda kimsin, amac\u0131n ne? S\u00f6yle, Ramize As\u2019tan Sinan\u2019 \u0131 alan sen misin hemen konu\u015f, yoksa sonsuza kadar vicdan azab\u0131yla cezaland\u0131r\u0131lacaks\u0131n. Geni\u015f mermer merdiven uzad\u0131k\u00e7a uzuyor \u00f6n\u00fcmde. \u00d6yle beyaz ki, kirletmekten korkuyorum. Yukar\u0131da kap\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131yor. \u0130lk kat, yolum uzun de\u011fil, nedense \u00f6yle hissetmiyorum. Avu\u00e7lar\u0131m terlemi\u015f, koltukaltlar\u0131m s\u0131r\u0131ls\u0131klam. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 e\u011fip kontrol ettim, neyse ki kokmuyor. Kedi ad\u0131mlar\u0131yla y\u00fcr\u00fcyorum ve a\u011f\u0131r a\u011f\u0131r \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorum bu merdivenleri. Her ad\u0131m at\u0131\u015f\u0131mda ard\u0131ma bak\u0131yorum, hi\u00e7bir iz yok. T\u0131pk\u0131 Sinan\u2019a yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m gibi. Otopside ruhunu okuyam\u0131yorlar insanlar\u0131n. Son yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z konu\u015fman\u0131n izleri ruhuna i\u015flemi\u015ftir oysa. Hadi sevgilim, seni \u00e7ok \u00f6zledim, gece ate\u015fim k\u0131rk\u0131 buldu, g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm o r\u00fcyadan sonra uyuyamad\u0131m. H\u00e2l\u00e2 etkisindeyim, sensizli\u011fe dayanam\u0131yorum, yaln\u0131z\u0131m, bu gece \u00e7\u0131k yola, zaman kaybetme ne olur. \u0130\u015fte kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcndeyim, kap\u0131 aral\u0131k, g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcrde kimse yok. Hafiften t\u0131klat\u0131yorum kap\u0131y\u0131. Yakla\u015fan ad\u0131mlar. Filmini \u00e7ekseydim gerilim m\u00fczi\u011fi yerle\u015ftirirdim buraya. Gitgide y\u00fckselen bir ritim, kalp at\u0131\u015f\u0131 gibi, d\u0131m t\u0131s, d\u0131m t\u0131s,d\u0131m t\u0131ss\u00a0 ve i\u015fte kar\u015f\u0131mda Ramize Asss. G\u00fcl\u00fcms\u00fcyor. Kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131k vermeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsam da t\u00fcm renkler kar\u0131\u015f\u0131yor, y\u00fcz\u00fcmde anlams\u0131z bir ifade olmal\u0131. O ise h\u00e2l\u00e2 tatl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcrd\u00fcr\u00fcyor. Ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131k y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc ge\u00e7mi\u015fe d\u00f6nmektir ne de olsa, ben de iyi an\u0131lar getirmi\u015f bir noel baba. Jan janl\u0131 paketlere sar\u0131lm\u0131\u015f reng\u00e2renk ya\u015fant\u0131lar getirdim san\u0131yor, ondan mutlu. Sinan\u2019\u0131 anlatacak, Sinan\u2019\u0131 anlataca\u011f\u0131m, sonra tekrar d\u00f6n\u00fcp d\u00f6n\u00fcp onu yad edece\u011fiz, hep o.
\u201cBuyurun, kap\u0131da kald\u0131n\u0131z yavrum, i\u00e7eri girin.\u201d
Hemen bir \u00e7ift terlik koyuyor \u00f6n\u00fcme. Pembe t\u00fcyl\u00fc bir \u00e7ift misafir terli\u011fi, \u00e7ok az kullan\u0131lm\u0131\u015f. \u00d6n\u00fcmde y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fcp bana yol g\u00f6steriyor. Ard\u0131nda b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 lavanta kokusunun i\u00e7inden ge\u00e7erek izliyorum onu. Bir y\u0131la be\u015f y\u0131l\u0131 s\u0131\u011fd\u0131rm\u0131\u015f, \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015f, \u00f6lmek i\u00e7in acele ediyor gibi kamburu iyice belirginle\u015fmi\u015f. Buna kar\u015f\u0131n sa\u00e7\u0131na takt\u0131\u011f\u0131 t\u00fcll\u00fc tokas\u0131yla, \u00fczerindeki pazen elbise, pek birbirine uymasa da, bir yerlerden hayata ba\u011fland\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6steriyor. T\u00fcm evi saran b\u00f6rek kokusu da bunun kan\u0131t\u0131.
\u201cBuyurun.\u201d
Kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131kl\u0131 konulmu\u015f tekli koltuklara oturuyoruz. Aram\u0131zda fiskos masa ve \u00fczerinde Sinan. Ah\u015fap \u00e7er\u00e7evede, ba\u015f\u0131nda kep y\u00fcz\u00fcnde o durumdan s\u0131k\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 belli eden, duda\u011f\u0131na yap\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f tek tarafl\u0131 bir g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f.
\u201cNas\u0131ls\u0131n\u0131z k\u0131z\u0131m?\u201d
\u201c\u0130yiyim teyzecim, ben bu kadar zamand\u0131r hep gelmeyi pl\u00e2nlad\u0131m fakat olmad\u0131, uzun zamand\u0131r buralarda de\u011fildim, yani duramad\u0131m, anlars\u0131n\u0131z\u2026\u201d
En \u00e7ok ac\u0131 \u00e7eken benim mi demeye geliyor bu s\u00f6ylediklerim. Sa\u00e7malad\u0131m iyice. O Sinan\u2019\u0131n do\u011fdu\u011fu evde onunla ya\u015f\u0131yor ben ise bu \u015fehirde onu hat\u0131rlamaktan delice korktu\u011fum i\u00e7in ka\u00e7\u0131yorum. Kendimi g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm her yere Sinan\u2019\u0131 da g\u00f6t\u00fcrerek nas\u0131l ka\u00e7\u0131l\u0131rsa \u00f6yle. Hadi neden duramad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlat, onu nas\u0131l \u00f6ld\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc bir bir s\u00f6yle ona.
\u201cBen de b\u00f6rek yapm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, bug\u00fcn belki gelen olur diye. Geldi\u011fine \u00e7ok sevindim. Bug\u00fcn tam bir y\u0131l oldu.\u201d
G\u00f6zleri ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131ktan m\u0131 yoksa ac\u0131dan m\u0131 bilinmez hep nemli. Bir bana bir foto\u011frafa bak\u0131p konu\u015fuyor.
\u201cAnkara\u2019ya gitmeyi hi\u00e7 istememi\u015fti yavrum, ama o i\u015fi \u00e7ok istiyordu. Giderken merak etme en fazla bir y\u0131l sonra \u0130stanbul\u2019daki \u015fubeye ald\u0131r\u0131r\u0131m tayinimi demi\u015fti. Beni hep avutmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131.\u201d
\u201cK\u0131yamazd\u0131 size. \u00c7ok d\u00fc\u015fk\u00fcnd\u00fc.\u201d
\u201cYolculuklar\u0131 hi\u00e7 sevmezdi, ayr\u0131l\u0131klara dayanamazd\u0131 yavrum. Bir de sen vard\u0131n.\u201d
\u201cOnu \u00e7ok \u00f6zledim.\u201d
\u201cAnkara\u2019ya gitti\u011finde her g\u00fcn arad\u0131k birbirimizi. \u0130kimiz de yaln\u0131zd\u0131k.\u201d
\u201c\u0130\u015fi \u00e7ok yo\u011fundu, be\u015f ay birbirimizi g\u00f6remedik.\u201d
\u201cBuras\u0131 \u00e7ok s\u0131cak anne derdi, bir de i\u015fin stresi hep uyuyamad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan s\u00f6z ederdi.\u201d
\u201cEhliyetini yeni alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, alt\u0131nda \u015firketin arabas\u0131, o yola \u00e7\u0131kmamal\u0131yd\u0131, fakat ben\u2026\u201d
Sesim daha fazla \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131. Tek bir s\u00f6zc\u00fck b\u00fct\u00fcn musluklar\u0131 a\u00e7acakm\u0131\u015f gibiydi. \u0130kimizin de g\u00f6zleri nemli, ka\u00e7amak bak\u0131yoruz birbirimize. Derin bir soluk ald\u0131 konu\u015fmaya \u00e7abal\u0131yordu sanki.
\u201cBenim y\u00fcz\u00fcmden.\u201d
Kim konu\u015fmu\u015ftu, ben mi o mu? Benim c\u00fcmlem ondan \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131.
\u201cOnu yollara ben d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrd\u00fcm, zavall\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan yapt\u0131m bunu. Yaln\u0131z kalmaya dayanamad\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan. \u00c7ok hastay\u0131m hemen gel dedim. Kimsem yok, sen de oralardas\u0131n, bu ak\u015fam yola \u00e7\u0131ksan yava\u015f yava\u015f gelirsin, sabaha burada olursun dedim ve a\u011flad\u0131m. Yavrum sustu sonra tamam anne dedi.\u201d
Art\u0131k akmayan g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 mendiline silerek a\u011fl\u0131yor. Ben ise odadaki herhangi bir e\u015fya kadar hareketsizim. Demek Sinan\u2019\u0131 yollara d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcren ben de\u011fildim. O g\u00fcnden beri ilk kez g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 tutam\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n