\u00a0<\/p>\n
Tek ba\u015f\u0131na bir odada kal\u0131yordun. Odan\u0131n duvarlar\u0131 ba\u015ftan ba\u015fa camd\u0131. Ba\u015ftan ba\u015fa s\u0131ms\u0131cak ruhtu… <\/p>\n
Odan\u0131n ortas\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131r\u0131l\u00e7\u0131plakt\u0131n. Bir sandalyede oturuyordun. Odan \u0131l\u0131k, tan\u0131d\u0131k, hi\u00e7 kesilmeyen bir r\u00fcyan\u0131n ortas\u0131nda sal\u0131n\u0131yordu. Y\u00fcz\u00fcnden d\u00fcnyadaki b\u00fct\u00fcn zamanlar ge\u00e7iyordu. Y\u00fcz\u00fcndeki b\u00fct\u00fcn zamanlar\u0131 \u00f6zl\u00fcyordum… Y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn b\u00fct\u00fcn zamanlar\u0131n\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131m. <\/p>\n
Odanda tek ba\u015f\u0131nayd\u0131n, ama o b\u00fcy\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc, o derinli\u011fini ya\u015famay\u0131 \u00e7ok arzulasam da, yine de nerede oldu\u011funu bilmedi\u011fim d\u00fcnyaya senden gidiliyordu… Senin g\u00f6zlerinden g\u00f6r\u00fcl\u00fcyordu… Senin g\u00f6zlerinden g\u00f6r\u00fcl\u00fcyordu benim sonsuz d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm… Sonsuz kay\u0131pl\u0131\u011f\u0131m… Varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n bir par\u00e7as\u0131 sana gitmi\u015f, bir par\u00e7as\u0131 bende kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n sende olan par\u00e7as\u0131 seninle ger\u00e7ek d\u00fcnyaya, ba\u015fka ruhlara, \u00f6teki hayatlara gidiyordu… <\/p>\n
Beni i\u00e7eri, odana, yan\u0131na almam\u0131\u015ft\u0131n. <\/p>\n
Varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n en sahici, en cesur, en erdemli yan\u0131 i\u00e7erde, seninle kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, seninle gitmi\u015fti \u00f6teki hayatlara, ba\u015fka ruhlara… <\/p>\n
B\u00f6yle ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 o b\u00fcy\u00fck d\u0131\u015flanmam. <\/p>\n
\u00d6mr\u00fcm odan\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131nda, beni i\u00e7eri \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rman\u0131 beklemekle ge\u00e7mi\u015fti… <\/p>\n
Ya\u015famad\u0131m diyemem, ya\u015fad\u0131m. <\/p>\n
Sevgilerim oldu. Ba\u015far\u0131lar kazand\u0131m. Misafirler geldi evlerime… \u00c7\u0131lg\u0131n, ba\u015f\u0131bo\u015f, \u015f\u0131mar\u0131k, ihtiras dolu yaz ak\u015famlar\u0131m oldu… Sevgi dolu mektuplar\u0131 ald\u0131m. Telgraflar, \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131lar… Yolculuklara \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Beni kar\u015f\u0131layanlara el sallad\u0131m sevin\u00e7le, i\u00e7im kama\u015farak… \u0130\u015ftahl\u0131yd\u0131m. Arzular\u0131m hi\u00e7 dinmeyecek gibiydi… Do\u011fum g\u00fcnlerimde pastam\u0131 keserken herkese ve kendime hak etti\u011fimizden daha \u00e7ok \u015fans diledim hep… <\/p>\n
Ama yine de unutamazd\u0131m senin kap\u0131nda bekletildi\u011fimi, beni i\u00e7eri almad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n en anlaml\u0131, en sahici par\u00e7as\u0131n\u0131n sende kald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, o ikiye b\u00f6l\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015fl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcn derin s\u0131z\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 unutamazd\u0131m, bunun y\u0131llarca s\u00fcrece\u011fini ve de hi\u00e7 dinmeyece\u011fini… <\/p>\n
Baz\u0131 geceler penceremi a\u00e7ar derin nefesler al\u0131rd\u0131m. Nefes al\u0131rken g\u00fcc\u00fcm\u00fc daha da art\u0131rs\u0131n, ac\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 bana unuttursun diye Tanr\u0131\ufffdya yaranmak ge\u00e7erdi akl\u0131mdan. <\/p>\n
Do\u011fan\u0131n ayr\u0131lmaz bir par\u00e7as\u0131yd\u0131 odan. Odan do\u011fadaki o en a\u011f\u0131rba\u015fl\u0131 cinayetlerin ortas\u0131nda sessizce beklerdi… Daha da \u0131s\u0131n\u0131rd\u0131 sahipsiz ruhlardan yap\u0131lm\u0131\u015f camlar\u0131… O camlar\u0131 k\u0131rabilsem, sana dokunabilsem, kendimi sana inand\u0131rabilsem kainat\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn \u015fefkati, b\u00fct\u00fcn sevgisi i\u00e7ime akacakt\u0131, biliyorum… <\/p>\n
Ya\u015farken hi\u00e7 tatmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu duygu elimi uzatsam dokunabilece\u011fim kadar yak\u0131nd\u0131 sanki. Ama neden bu kadar uzaktayd\u0131, hi\u00e7 anlayam\u0131yordum… Bilmek \u00e7\u00f6zer san\u0131yordum bu muammay\u0131… Bu uzakl\u0131\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rsam beni i\u00e7eri al\u0131rs\u0131n diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordum… <\/p>\n
\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015fehirlerden en umutsuz durumlardan b\u00fcy\u00fck vaatler, b\u00fcy\u00fck s\u00fcrprizler \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131yorlard\u0131 kar\u015f\u0131ma insanlar… Sanki insanlar o b\u00fcy\u00fck kaybolu\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 unutturmak i\u00e7in bir arada ya\u015f\u0131yorlard\u0131… <\/p>\n
Ben de o insanlardan biriydim ve bir g\u00fcn kap\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131p beni i\u00e7eri alaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131, bir g\u00fcn beni ger\u00e7ekten sevece\u011fini san\u0131yordum… <\/p>\n
Bu y\u00fczden d\u00fcnyadaki hi\u00e7bir \u015fey \u00fczerinde dikkatimi yo\u011funla\u015ft\u0131ram\u0131yordum. Bu hayatta hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi tam yapam\u0131yordum. G\u00f6renler kendimden intikam al\u0131yorum san\u0131yorlard\u0131… <\/p>\n
Sonsuz bir ertelemeydi hayat\u0131m. <\/p>\n
Asl\u0131nda bu bir gecikmi\u015flik de\u011fildi. Hayattan istifa etmek de de\u011fildi. Hem sen olmadan nereye gidebilirdim ki? Ben senden uzakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131mda gecikmi\u015f olurdum her \u015feye, seni sevmekten vazge\u00e7ti\u011fimde intikam alm\u0131\u015f olurdum her \u015feyden, seni sevmekten vazge\u00e7ti\u011fimde intikam alm\u0131\u015f olurdum kendimden… <\/p>\n
Uza\u011fa, istedi\u011fim uzaklara gitme \u015fans\u0131m ancak yan\u0131nda olursam m\u00fcmk\u00fcnd\u00fc. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ne zaman i\u00e7ime baksam y\u00fcz\u00fcnden ge\u00e7en b\u00fct\u00fcn zamanlar\u0131, b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00f6zleyi\u015fleri, y\u00fcz\u00fcnden ger\u00e7ek d\u00fcnyaya a\u00e7\u0131lan yollar\u0131, ba\u015fka ve \u00f6teki hayatlar\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum… Y\u00fcz\u00fcnde varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n sende kalan par\u00e7as\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum. B\u00f6yle zamanlarda y\u00fcz\u00fcnde, ac\u0131yla g\u00f6lgelense de ba\u011f\u0131\u015flayan bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmseme olurdu. Ve bu g\u00fcl\u00fcmseme senin beni bir g\u00fcn i\u00e7indeki varl\u0131\u011f\u0131mla bulu\u015fturaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissettirdi… <\/p>\n
\u0130\u015fte o zaman bu s\u00fcrg\u00fcn bitecekti… <\/p>\n
\u0130\u015fte o zaman ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m b\u00fct\u00fcn endi\u015feler, bu su\u00e7luluk, de\u011fersizlik duygular\u0131, bu korkular, bu g\u00fcna\u015f\u0131r\u0131 intiharlar bitecekti… <\/p>\n
Bunu bile bile ya\u015famak nedir bilir misin? … <\/p>\n
Geri d\u00f6nece\u011fini bile bile tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131n, sana hep yabanc\u0131 yollara d\u00fc\u015fmek… <\/p>\n
Kar\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kan herkeste seni aramak… Seni hat\u0131rlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in birine \u00e2\u015f\u0131k oldu\u011funu sanmak… Sen olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bile bile, b\u00fct\u00fcn hayat\u0131n\u0131 bu ili\u015fkiye adamak i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131p durmak… <\/p>\n
Bunu bile bile ya\u015famak nedir bilir misin? … <\/p>\n
D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsene, ben seninle d\u00fc\u015flerimi, heyecanlar\u0131m\u0131, \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumu, ac\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 aldatt\u0131m… <\/p>\n
Seni unuturum diye ya\u015famaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m her a\u015fk\u0131, ben yine seninle aldatt\u0131m… <\/p>\n
Sen beni i\u00e7ine almad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan beri y\u0131llard\u0131r ben seninle kendimi aldatt\u0131m… <\/p>\n
Bir tek seni sevdi\u011fim do\u011fruydu… Ve bu do\u011fru y\u00fcz\u00fcnden hayat\u0131m yalana batt\u0131… <\/p>\n
Sen beni d\u0131\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan beri beni sevenlere bir hayalet hediye ettin… <\/p>\n
Tepeden t\u0131rna\u011fa a\u015fka, tepeden t\u0131rna\u011fa \u00f6zleme batm\u0131\u015f bir hayalet… <\/p>\n
Bu hayaletin i\u00e7inde beni de\u011fil seni g\u00f6rd\u00fcler hep. \u00c7o\u011fu bu hayalete dayanamay\u0131p \u00e7ekip gitti… <\/p>\n
Kimisi senin beni bekletti\u011fin kap\u0131da, beni bekledi. Seni beklemekten yorulur, onunla birlikte \u00e7ekip giderim diye buralardan… <\/p>\n
Ve ben en \u00e7ok onlar\u0131n sevgisine inand\u0131m. En \u00e7ok onlara derinden \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fcm. Ve hep merak ettim, kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131ks\u0131z ve onca y\u0131l bir hayaleti nas\u0131l b\u00f6ylesine sevebildiler diye… D\u00fcnyan\u0131n iyi bir yer oldu\u011funa ve ya\u015famak i\u00e7in \u00e7ok sebep bulundu\u011funa bu insanlar\u0131n bir hayalete duyduklar\u0131 o ak\u0131lalmaz, o sonsuz sevgileri y\u00fcz\u00fcnden bir kez daha inand\u0131m… <\/p>\n
Seni unutmak i\u00e7in ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131 her a\u015fk\u0131 yine seninle aldatan bir hayalete… <\/p>\n
Seninle kendini, b\u00fct\u00fcn hayat\u0131n\u0131, d\u00fc\u015flerini, \u00e7ocuklu\u011funu, ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn ac\u0131lar\u0131 aldatan bir hayalete… <\/p>\n
Bir tek sana duydu\u011fu sevgisi do\u011fru olan, bu y\u00fczden b\u00fct\u00fcn hayat\u0131 b\u00fcy\u00fck bir yalan olan hayalete…<\/p>\n
Cezmi ERS\u00d6Z<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u00a0 Tek ba\u015f\u0131na bir odada kal\u0131yordun. Odan\u0131n duvarlar\u0131 ba\u015ftan ba\u015fa camd\u0131. Ba\u015ftan ba\u015fa s\u0131ms\u0131cak ruhtu… Odan\u0131n ortas\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131r\u0131l\u00e7\u0131plakt\u0131n. Bir sandalyede oturuyordun. Odan \u0131l\u0131k, tan\u0131d\u0131k, hi\u00e7 kesilmeyen bir r\u00fcyan\u0131n ortas\u0131nda sal\u0131n\u0131yordu. Y\u00fcz\u00fcnden d\u00fcnyadaki b\u00fct\u00fcn zamanlar ge\u00e7iyordu. Y\u00fcz\u00fcndeki b\u00fct\u00fcn zamanlar\u0131 \u00f6zl\u00fcyordum… Y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn b\u00fct\u00fcn zamanlar\u0131n\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131m. Odanda tek ba\u015f\u0131nayd\u0131n, ama o b\u00fcy\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc, o derinli\u011fini ya\u015famay\u0131 \u00e7ok arzulasam da, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-641","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-cezmi-ersoz"},"yoast_head":"\n