Ve g\u00fcz geldi \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m. D\u00fcnya ayd\u0131nl\u0131k sabahlar\u0131n\u0131 yitiriyor usul usul. \u0130nsan\u0131n i\u00e7ini karartan bulutlar\u0131n seferi var g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn mavili\u011finde.
Ya\u011fmur ha ya\u011fd\u0131 ha ya\u011facak. \u0130ncecik bir \u00e7isenti yokluyor bo\u015flu\u011funu insan y\u00fcre\u011finin. H\u00fczn\u00fcn b\u00fct\u00fcn ko\u015fullar\u0131 haz\u0131r. Nedenini bilmedi\u011fim bir keder ak\u0131yor damarlar\u0131mdan. Kalbimin \u00fcst\u00fcnde binlerce b\u0131\u00e7ak a\u011fz\u0131, y\u00fcz\u00fcm \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn atlas\u0131, d\u00fczl\u00fckleri bunalt\u0131, y\u00fckseklikleri korku, u\u00e7urumlar\u0131 y\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131mla dolu bir engebeler atlas\u0131. Ya\u015famak bir can s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131 m\u0131d\u0131r \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m?
Her \u015feyi iyi yan\u0131ndan g\u00f6rmeyi kim \u00f6\u011fretti bize? Ac\u0131y\u0131 g\u00f6rmeyen insan, umutsuzlu\u011fu ya\u015famayan, iliklerine dek kederin i\u015fleyip yaralamad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir insan, mutluluktan, umuttan, sevin\u00e7ten ne anlar?
G\u00f6\u011f\u00fc g\u00f6rmeden, denizi g\u00f6rmeden maviyi anlamaya benzemez mi bu? Bir g\u00fcz d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcn ki \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m, ilkyaz\u0131 olmam\u0131\u015f, yaz\u0131 ya\u015fanmam\u0131\u015f. B\u00f6yle bir g\u00fcz\u00fcn h\u00fczn\u00fc h\u00fcz\u00fcn m\u00fcd\u00fcr? Ba\u015flaman\u0131n bir anlam\u0131 varsa biti\u015fi g\u00f6ze almak, biti\u015fin bir anlam\u0131 varsa ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131 olmak de\u011fil midir?
Ya\u015fam\u0131 d\u00fcz bir \u00e7izgide tutmak t\u00fckenmektir. Ya\u015famak zorunda oldu\u011fumuz \u015funca y\u0131l\u0131 ayk\u0131r\u0131 u\u00e7lar aras\u0131nda gezdirip ge\u00e7irmedik\u00e7e, al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131klar\u0131n s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131n\u0131 a\u015fmad\u0131k\u00e7a zaman zaman, ya\u015famak nas\u0131l yenilik olur t\u00fckenmek de\u011fil de?
Ya\u011fmur ya\u011f\u0131yor \u00f6m\u00fcr han\u0131m…g\u00f6kten de\u011fil, y\u00fcre\u011fimin bo\u015flu\u011fundan \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn \u0131ss\u0131z topra\u011f\u0131na…Ve ben sonsuz bir d\u00fczl\u00fckte bir k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck bir silik nokta gibi eriyip gidiyorum. Seslensem kim duyar sesimi yaln\u0131zl\u0131klar kat\u0131ndan?
D\u00f6nelim…D\u00f6nmek yenilmektir biraz da, yar\u0131m kalmas\u0131d\u0131r \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n, korkakl\u0131kt\u0131r, al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131klar\u0131n g\u00fcvenli k\u00fcfl\u00fc kabuklar\u0131na s\u0131\u011f\u0131nmakt\u0131r…Olsun d\u00f6nelim biz yine de. Bilincinde olmadan \u00fcstlendi\u011fimiz sorumluluklar\u0131m\u0131z var. Evlere d\u00f6nelim, s\u0131rt\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n kamburu evlere, c\u0131l\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n g\u00f6rkemli korunaklar\u0131na, yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n kalelerine d\u00f6nelim. \u00d6l\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fcz ya\u015famak bize g\u00f6re de\u011fil \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m. B\u00fcy\u00fcrken geni\u015f ufuklar\u0131m\u0131z olmad\u0131 bizim. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck avu\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131zla s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 geni\u015fletmek istedik\u00e7e ya\u015fam\u0131n binlerce engeli y\u0131\u011f\u0131ld\u0131 \u00f6n\u00fcm\u00fcze. Hangi birini yenebilirdik bunca olanaks\u0131zl\u0131k i\u00e7inde. Umutsuzlu\u011fu tan\u0131d\u0131k, yenilgiyi \u00f6\u011frendik b\u00f6ylece.
Ya\u015fama sevinci ad\u0131na bir tutama\u011f\u0131m kalmad\u0131 \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m. Bir garip bo\u015flukta \u00e7iviliyim g\u00fcnlerdir g\u00f6zbebeklerimden. Sahi nedir ya\u015fam\u0131n anlam\u0131? Geriye d\u00f6n\u00fcyorum s\u0131k s\u0131k yan\u0131t aramak ad\u0131na, y\u00fcre\u011fimin silik izler b\u0131rak\u0131p, a\u011f\u0131r y\u00fckler ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 zaman\u0131n derin denizlerine. Bak\u0131yorum umut karamsarl\u0131\u011f\u0131n, sevin\u00e7 ac\u0131n\u0131n az\u0131c\u0131k soluk almas\u0131ndan ba\u015fka ne ki?
Ya\u015famsa ger\u00e7ekle d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn umutsuz bir sava\u015f\u0131, her \u015feyi i\u00e7ine alan kocaman bir yan\u0131lsama de\u011fil mi yoksa?
\u00d6yle b\u00fcy\u00fck umutlar\u0131m olmad\u0131 benim, b\u00fcy\u00fck d\u00fc\u015flerim, \u00f6zlemlerim, b\u00fcy\u00fck beklentilerim olmad\u0131. Ko\u015fullar\u0131m beni olu\u015fturdu ben ac\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 buldum. Herkes gibi ya\u015fasayd\u0131m e\u011fer, ya\u015fam\u0131 onlar gibi g\u00f6rebilseydim \u00e7ar\u015f\u0131lar yeterdi avutmaya beni. Bir g\u00f6mlek, bir ayakkab\u0131, bir elbise, bir yemek lokantalarda; televizyon, hal\u0131, masa ve daha nice e\u015fya yeterdi yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u00f6rtmeye, kendimi g\u00f6stermeye, varolmaya, dar \u00e7evre Yitikleri’nde \u00f6nem kazanmaya…
Oysa ben bir ak\u015fam\u00fcst\u00fc oturup turuncu bir yang\u0131n\u0131n eteklerine y\u00fcre\u011fi avu\u00e7lar\u0131mda atan bir can yolda\u015f\u0131yla d\u00fcnyay\u0131 ve kendimi t\u00fcketmek isterdim. \u00d6yle bir t\u00fcketmek ki, sonucu yepyeni bir ben’e ula\u015ft\u0131r\u0131rd\u0131 beni, kederli dalg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan her d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde…Bir ben ki t\u00fcm ili\u015fkilerin perde arkas\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcr de g\u00fclerdim sessizce yapay yak\u0131nl\u0131klar\u0131na insanlar\u0131n. Kim kimi ne kadar anlayabilir \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m?
Susmak yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n ana dilidir, \u00f6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m, \u015fiiridir beni konu\u015fmaya zorlama ne olur. S\u00f6z\u00fcn sular\u0131n\u0131 t\u00fckettim ben, kayna\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kuruttum. Geriye bir b\u00fcy\u00fck sessizlik kald\u0131 y\u00fcre\u011fimde, kalabal\u0131klar, kalabal\u0131klar kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck…Yaln\u0131z\u0131m \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m, geceler boyu ak\u0131p giden \u0131rmaklar gibi karanl\u0131klar i\u00e7re, \u00f6yle yitik, \u00f6yle \u00fczg\u00fcn, yaln\u0131z\u0131m…Sular\u0131m topra\u011fa s\u0131z\u0131yor bak. Y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc geceler \u00f6rt\u00fcyor. Binlerce ta\u015f saklan\u0131yor i\u00e7imde. Kim kimin derinli\u011fini g\u00f6rebilir, hem hangi g\u00f6zle?
Kendilerinden olan tek s\u00f6zc\u00fck yok dillerinde, \u00f6yle \u00e7ok konu\u015fuyorlar ki…Bir s\u00f6z insan\u0131n neresinden do\u011far dersiniz? Dilinden mi, y\u00fcre\u011finden mi, akl\u0131ndan m\u0131? D\u00fc\u015flerinden mi yoksa ger\u00e7e\u011finden mi? Ve ka\u00e7 kap\u0131dan ge\u00e7ip yerini bulur bir ba\u015fka insanda? Yerini bulur mu ger\u00e7ekten? S\u00f6z\u00fc yasaklamal\u0131 \u00d6m\u00fcr han\u0131m yasaklamal\u0131…Kimsenin kimseyi anlamad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir d\u00fcnyada s\u00f6z bo\u015flu\u011fu d\u00f6vmekten ba\u015fka ne i\u015fe yar\u0131yor ki?
Olana\u011f\u0131 olsa da insanlar\u0131n y\u00fcrekleri konu\u015fabilseydi dilleri yerine, her \u015fey daha yalans\u0131z, daha i\u00e7ten olurdu. Akl\u0131 silmeli diyorum insan ili\u015fkilerinden. Yan\u0131l\u0131yor muyum? Olsun. Yan\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 biliyorum ya…
Yeni bir \u015feyler s\u00f6yle bana ne olur, yeni bir \u015feyler. Kur\u015fun akt\u0131 kulaklar\u0131ma hep ayn\u0131 s\u00f6zleri, ayn\u0131 sesleri duymaktan. Belirsizlik g\u00fczeldir, de \u00f6rne\u011fin, kesinlik \u00e7irkin. Sessizlik sesten hele de g\u00fcncel ve kof her zaman iyidir, d\u00fc\u015f g\u00fcc\u00fc, i\u00e7 zenginli\u011fi verir insana. D\u00fcnyan\u0131n usul usul a\u011faran o puslu sabahlar\u0131 ve g\u00fcn\u00fcn turuncu t\u00fclleriyle \u00f6rt\u00fcnen dingin ak\u015famlar\u0131 bu y\u00fczden etkiler bizi, duyguland\u0131r\u0131r, de. Anl\u0131k izlenimler s\u00fcrekli g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcmlerden her zaman daha g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc, kal\u0131c\u0131 \u00f6m\u00fcrl\u00fcd\u00fcr…Al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131klar \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcr g\u00fczelli\u011fimizi, bizi de\u011fi\u015fmek \u00e7irkinle\u015ftirir de.
Kimse d\u00fc\u015flerine yeti\u015femez ve kimse ge\u00e7emez ger\u00e7e\u011fini bir ad\u0131m bile, bu y\u00fczden s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 verir zaman, k\u0131sa kal\u0131r, sonsuz olur insan\u0131n k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck \u00f6mr\u00fcn\u00fcn kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda. \u0130stemenin kural\u0131 yoktur; istemek ya\u015fam\u0131n kendili\u011finden sonucudur, ne hakl\u0131 ne haks\u0131z, ne yerinde ne yersiz.
Biz hepimiz dikenli tellerle sar\u0131l\u0131y\u0131z, her ili\u015fkide bir par\u00e7am\u0131z kal\u0131r ve b\u00f6l\u00fcne b\u00f6l\u00fcne biteriz de. En b\u00fcy\u00fck h\u00fcnerimiz kendimize kar\u015f\u0131 olmak, ayk\u0131r\u0131 ya\u015famakt\u0131r, ac\u0131 kaynaklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ellerimizle yaratarak…
K\u0131y\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z duygular\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n boyunda, derinli\u011fimiz akl\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fcndedir, ufuklar\u0131m\u0131zsa sisler i\u00e7inde…O k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131z g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc nas\u0131l s\u0131\u011far k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck g\u00f6zlerimize, bir bardak suya, a\u011f\u0131z dil vermez geceye? Ve nedir ki gizi, darald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z her yerde bir geni\u015flik duygusu verir i\u00e7imize. \u00c7\u00f6zemeyiz de, bu g\u00fcd\u00fck bilin\u00e7, bu s\u0131\u011f y\u00fcrek, bu ezbere ya\u015famla.
D\u00fcnya bir testidir, de, \u00d6m\u00fcr han\u0131m, \u00f6m\u00fcr bir su…S\u0131zar i\u011fne ucu g\u00f6zeneklerinden zaman\u0131n, bir i\u00e7im serinlik bir yudum mutluluk i\u00e7in. Ve bir g\u00fcn \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn balkonundan…d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcr topra\u011fa el i\u00e7i kadar bir su. Yerde birka\u00e7 damla nem bir avu\u00e7 \u0131slakl\u0131k…\u00d6l\u00fcm\u00fc bilerek nas\u0131l ya\u015far insan, geride d\u00fcnyan\u0131n kalaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilerek nas\u0131l \u00f6l\u00fcr; bilmek b\u00fct\u00fcn ac\u0131lar\u0131n anas\u0131d\u0131r, de…
Sars akl\u0131m\u0131n c\u0131l\u0131z ayaklar\u0131n\u0131, ku\u015fat beni. De\u011fi\u015fik \u015feyler s\u00f6yle ne olur, yeni bir \u015feyler s\u00f6yle. Y\u0131ld\u0131m \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn kal\u0131plar\u0131ndan. Beni duy ve anla.
Ya\u011fmur dindi \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m. G\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc masmavi g\u00fcl\u00fcmsedi yine. Do\u011fa ayn\u0131 oyunu oynuyor bizimle. Umudun ucunu g\u00f6steriyor usulca, iyimserli\u011fin \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcz\u00fcyor mavi atlas\u0131ndan. Ne aldan\u0131\u015f! Bulutlar\u0131n rengi mavi-beyaz m\u0131d\u0131r, kur\u015funi-k\u00fclrengi mi yoksa?
G\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6pmek isterdim \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m, g\u00f6zlerimle de\u011fil dudaklar\u0131mla. Yoruldum bulutlar\u0131 kirpiklerimde ta\u015f\u0131maktan. Delilik mi dedin? Kim bilir…Belki de yerde s\u00fcr\u00fcnmenin bir tepkisidir bu, ya da ne bileyim bilin\u00e7siz bir ayk\u0131r\u0131 olmak duygusu. G\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc de olmak isteyebilirdim de\u011fil mi? kim ne diyebilir ki?
Kimseler g\u00f6rmedi \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m, bu d\u00fcnyadan ben ge\u00e7tim. \u0130\u00e7imde umudun k\u0131rk kilitli sand\u0131klar\u0131, elimde bir avu\u00e7 d\u00fc\u015f \u00f6l\u00fcs\u00fc y\u00fcre\u011fim -i\u00e7inde senin ve benim a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131m- benim olmayan garip bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemeyle y\u00fcz\u00fcmde, incelik ad\u0131na ben ge\u00e7tim…Yerini bulmam\u0131\u015f bir i\u00e7tenlik, yan\u0131lm\u0131\u015f bir sayg\u0131 ve bir h\u00fcz\u00fcn e\u011frisi olarak ili\u015fkilerin gergefinde, \u00f6rd\u00fcm \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn dokusunu ilmek ilmek. Beni cam k\u0131r\u0131klar\u0131yla an\u0131msas\u0131n insanlar, savrulan bir yaprak h\u00fczn\u00fc ve da\u011f\u0131n\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile… Y\u00fck\u00fcm\u00fc yanl\u0131\u015f bedestanlarla \u00e7\u00f6zd\u00fcm.
Ezilmi\u015f bir g\u00fcl h\u00fczn\u00fc var y\u00fcre\u011fimde. Saatlerce dayak yemi\u015f bir san\u0131\u011f\u0131n \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fclmesi i\u00e7indeyim. \u00dcrperiyorum. Bir at kestanesi durmadan yaprak d\u00f6k\u00fcyor yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n sokaklar\u0131nda, \u00f6rt\u00fcyor \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn ilk yaz\u0131n\u0131. \u0130\u00e7imde bir \u00e7ocuk, yal\u0131n ayak ko\u015fuyor ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131\u011fa do\u011fru, binlerce kez yenilmi\u015f umut \u00f6l\u00fclerini \u00e7i\u011fneyerek. Sahi ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131k, derin bir i\u00e7 \u00e7eki\u015f, yan\u0131lm\u0131\u015f bir \u00e7ocukluk olmas\u0131n \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m?
\u00a0
\u015e\u00fckr\u00fc ERBA\u015e<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ve g\u00fcz geldi \u00d6m\u00fcr Han\u0131m. D\u00fcnya ayd\u0131nl\u0131k sabahlar\u0131n\u0131 yitiriyor usul usul. \u0130nsan\u0131n i\u00e7ini karartan bulutlar\u0131n seferi var g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn mavili\u011finde.Ya\u011fmur ha ya\u011fd\u0131 ha ya\u011facak. \u0130ncecik bir \u00e7isenti yokluyor bo\u015flu\u011funu insan y\u00fcre\u011finin. H\u00fczn\u00fcn b\u00fct\u00fcn ko\u015fullar\u0131 haz\u0131r. Nedenini bilmedi\u011fim bir keder ak\u0131yor damarlar\u0131mdan. Kalbimin \u00fcst\u00fcnde binlerce b\u0131\u00e7ak a\u011fz\u0131, y\u00fcz\u00fcm \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn atlas\u0131, d\u00fczl\u00fckleri bunalt\u0131, y\u00fckseklikleri korku, u\u00e7urumlar\u0131 y\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131mla dolu […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[214],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-7009","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-sukru-erbas"},"yoast_head":"\n